Friday, November 30, 2007

Zander gets the RAZR

See here. Wildly overrated CEO Ed Zander has been booted out of Motorola after running the place into the ground. Fast Eddie previously helped set up the collapse of Sun Microsystems and bailed before the fecal matter hit the spinning blades, saying he wanted to run his own show. Well, he got what he wished for but this was a bit like the dog who chases cars and finally catches one. I hate to gloat but we called this ouster last March in a story called “ZANDR is a GONR.” (See here.) The real silver bullet came in April when Carl Icahn started cranking up the pressure and the Wall Street Journal, purely coincidentally, ran a Page One hatchet job on Eddie and quoted him saying “I love my job, I hate my customers.” Icahn waited a few days and then ran a huge full-page ad lambasting Ed and pretending it was a response to the article that he’d just planted in the Journal. (See here.)

Friends, I’d like to tell you something about Ed Zander. I’d like to tell you that Ed Zander is a prince among men, a true hero, a great guy. I’d like to tell you that, but it’s not true. He’s a dick. And he screwed the pooch at Motorola and totally let his competition eat his lunch. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll leave with a lot of coin in his pocket, and he’ll no doubt end up running some other company, probably out here in the Valley. You mark my words. Guys like this can just keep fucking up and moving on forever.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Zander meltdown continues

Talk about radical transparency. Here he is in Mission Dolores Park in San Francisco yesterday. He was up in the city doing customer visits and on the way to the airport stopped for a burrito in the Mission. Some kid working at the burrito joint asked him when the iPhone is coming out. That did it. Next thing you know Fast Eddie is streaking up to the park, screaming, “iPhone, iPhone, iPhone! Sweet mother of Jesus!” Police were called but Ed’s handlers smoothed things over.

Dude, get help. I’m serious.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

More Zander appearances

He’s a judge. A politician. A monk. Ed, you’ve got more identities than Zelig. And you’re scaring me. Get some help.

Fast Eddie goes bonkers

This just in from one of our competitive analysis spies who was at some Wall Street conference where Motorola was presenting. The investor dudes started grilling the shit out of Zander about how the iPhone was gonna kick Motorola’s ass and why doesn’t Motorola have an answer for the iPhone and is it true the board is trying to force him out. Finally Zander just lost it on this one young assistant analyst from Goldman and started saying, “Jesus H. Christ, the iPhone! The iPhone! Is that all anyone wants to talk about? The fucking iPhone? I guess all the rest of us should just stop making phones because Apple’s coming out with the iPhone! Right? Should we just all fold our tents and go home? Well what the fuck do you want me to do? You want me to stick these fuggin phones on my head like a pair of clown ears? Is that what you want? I’ll kick your fucking ass, punk! How old are you anyway? Huh? Twenty-five? Twenty-six? I’ve got meat in my colon that’s older than you! You know I grew up in Brooklyn, don’t you? And not some fancy pants loft in Park Slope, right? I’m tawkin da real Brooklyn.” Just a complete and total meltdown. Ed, seriously, you need help. Maybe consider going back to being a monk. You were doing so well with the anger when you were in the monastery.

Friday, March 23, 2007


Put it this way. When the Journal does a story like this one, saying how the board is taking a bigger role in day-to-day, it doesn’t happen by accident. Okay? The board teed up this story and planted it in the Journal. Who do you think the anonymous sources “close to the matter” are? This is the board’s way of telling the institutional shareholders: Don’t worry, we’re pushing this idiot out of here as fast as we can.

Poor old Ed. Or, um, “Fast Eddie,” as he likes to be called. Guy always chafed under McNealy at Sun, always bitched about how he wanted to be the top gun. But it’s a classic case of the Peter Principle at work. I mean, Ed’s a nice enough guy — well, okay, strike that; Ed’s a total friggin dick — but anyway, he’d be great, or at least competent, running a sales division. Or a Greek restaurant. Or a chain of cut-price consumer electronics retail stores. But trying to run a $40 billion company? Waaay over his head. Glug glug. That sound you hear? That’s Ed’s career going down the drain.