Monday, August 31, 2009

Off the record: Some yoga scammer is using my name in pitch letters to hacks

One of the more respectable filthy hacks at one of the more respectable scumbag publications just forwarded to Katie an email he got from a yoga entrepreneur named Balachandran Pillai who runs a Web site about yoga. Email goes like this:

Dear [redacted],

I understand that Mr. SteveJobs,CEO of Apple is suffering from weight loss because of some pancreas problem. Tell him, if you could, to look at our website, for yoga is the best tool for weight management with zero side effects and contact us if interested

As longtime readers know, I have a few issues with Indians. In fact the only people in the world that I dislike more than Indians are Finns and Roman Catholics. But this guy really gets to me. For one thing, I’ve forgotten more about yoga than Mr. Pillai will ever know — which is evidenced by the photo above, from the Balush Yoga Web site. Apparently it is presented as an example of a proper yoga pose. But any beginner could tell you it’s all wrong. Look at the feet. Are they symmetrical? Not even close. The guy looks like he’s being kidnapped and hogtied and put into the trunk of a car. (Also, look at the fucking hair on that dude’s shoulders. Buddy, it’s called waxing. Have you heard of it?) The other thing I’d like to address is this notion (repeated here on the Balush site) that yoga can cure all sorts of diseases and add years to your life. Oh really? You mean like this guy? Yeah, the picture of health. He looks like me, circa January 2009.

Friends, forgive me for ranting, but I need to get this off my chest. Yoga is an ancient art form and one that I have practiced for decades, along with the study of Zen Buddhism. But now, in its current incarnation, yoga has been turned into just another consumer fad — it’s the aerobics for this decade, and it makes me sick. Especially because most of the people who are going around raving about yoga don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. They’re doing everything wrong. There’s no discipline. No structure. Do you hear me, dipshits? Yes, you know who you are. Everywhere you go there are these dopey fat-assed women running around with their yoga mats, dressed in stretchy black pants designed to show off their front butts and saddle bags and camel toes (yoga toes?), deluding themselves into thinking they’re fit just because they can get down all fours and moan. Good Lord! Enough is enough! Last week I was in a coffee shop listening to some dame go on about her “workout” and I was like, Lady, you do realize that “yoga” is not a Hindi word meaning “exercise that fat people can do,” right? Turns out she owns the coffee shop. I was asked to leave. Fine by me. Wasn’t the first time, won’t be the last. It’s the price of speaking the truth.