Sunday, November 5, 2006

Remember, it’s San Francisco

Lot of nasty comments rolling in about BHG’s dance video. One thing you gotta remember. This is San Francisco, okay? It’s not New York or Los Angeles. I mean the weather is nice here but we don’t exactly draw the top talent in certain cultural areas. We’re not really a major city; we’re basically Bend, Oregon, with taller buildings. The kids who really know how to dance and sing don’t come here. Who does? Well, the kids who minored in dance at Oberlin and want to play around at it for a few years before either a) going to Stanford to get an MBA; or b) marrying some investment banker and moving to Marin to make babies. You just have to adjust expectations down if you live here. Our symphony is second rate; our museums are a joke; our newspapers are worse than most college dailies. But out here it’s all about trying hard and having good intentions. You ever read the arts reviews in the Chronicle? Disney can spend $50 million and put hundreds of the world’s best talent to work making a first-rate movie for kids, and some wanker at the Chron who probably can’t splice together two clips in iMovie dismisses it as “derivative” and gives it one star. But if four spastics put on leotards and leap around a stage like they’ve got St. Vitus’ Dance, claiming this is about no-blood-for-oil, then it’s a triumphant breakthrough in the world of performance art, an important — no, necessary — piece of work. Ugh.

So anyway. BHG, I love you. Don’t listen to these frigtards who are dissing your dance video. It’s great. Honestly. It’s creative and inspiring. And it’s all about you, expressing yourself. I loved it. Peace out.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Bike Helmet Girl video!

No kidding, it’s her, and she’s dancing in very tight black shorts and a white tank top. See here. Oh my friggin God. I don’t know much about dance, and this stuff looks pretty funky and avant garde, almost sort of reminds me of some of my tai chi moves. But one thing I do know about is women’s butts, and this girl is about as close to a 10 as you’ll ever see. Lot of people don’t know about my ass fixation, but it’s true. I’m a butt man, always have been. Larry is more about the boobs (and epicanthic folds) but I’m all about the ass. And let me tell you something, this Bike Helmet Girl has got some Grade A glutes. Must be all the cycling. That and the dancing. I swear you could bounce quarters off those cheeks. Tiffany, I worship at your altar of callipygian perfection.

PS if any other incredibly attractive funky-alternative type babes in the Bay Area have upcoming events where they will be performing with very little clothing on, and you want these events promoted, please be like Tiffany and send the info along. Old sugar daddy FSJ will be glad to help you out.

You gotta love Bike Helmet Girl

Larry says I’m crazy, but you know what? I’m totally falling for this Bike Helmet Girl. Larry says it’s just some midlife crisis kind of thing. But I dunno. Feels real to me. I’ve got to talk to my spiritual advisor about it. Meanwhile I just got this email (see below) from Bike Helmet Girl, whose real name happens to be Tiffany. She’s totally cool, has a great sense of humor, and she’s some kind of dancer or performance artist. Best of all, if you’re in the Bay Area, you can see her perform live on Nov. 16. Tiffany, stop doing this to me. You’re making an old man crazy. I mean it, girl. Daddy’s gonna have to spank you. And you wouldn’t want that. Or would you?

Dear Mr. FS Jobs,

It has been a while since we last corresponded, but I wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about the promised macbook pro. I am more or less settled in San Francisco now, but feel a bit awkward giving you my mailing address, as we have never been formally introduced. Instead, I would rather invite you to an upcoming event. Besides, I think you would prefer seeing me and my fellow artists live as opposed to on somebody’s flickr site…

I have made tremendous progress with respect to my aforementioned condition and continue perform on a rather consistent basis. While I am no longer in need of wearing a bike helmet during daylight hours, I occasionally don a headlamp at night to ensure that I remain aware of my surroundings in the event that I experience an episode. It’s not so bad, but I look forward to making further progress and achieving a full recovery. Fortunately, it has been incorporated into our next performance event so I do not appear to be such an anomaly.

On Thursday, November 16th, DOUBLE VISION is hosting a benefit at DragonBar in North Beach, San Francisco from 6-8pm. Link here.

The event features free food, drinks, chair massage, silent auction items, dance, video and music. A fair number of yelpers (or yelpsters as you prefer to call them) will be in attendance among our other guests. I do hope you can make it, as it would be a pleasure to finally meet you.

(aka Karen, aka Tiffany)

Dudes– and Tiffany — all I can say is that I will DEFINITELY be there. But you may not recognize me, since I usually go out in some kind of disguise. Otherwise I’m swamped by groupies. Basically I’m like a white Flavor Flav. Yeah. It’s like dat y’all. But Tiffany, you’ll know who I am. I promise. I’ll be the soft-spoken gentleman with the roses and the MacBook Pro for you. All I ask is that you be kind to me, my sweetheart. Be gentle with an old man’s heart. Namaste. I bow to you. Peace out.

PS I also want to give a big photo credit and huge shout-out to my main man, amateur pornographer Mitchell Aidelbaum. No doubt Maximum Mitch will be at the DOUBLE VISION event, so dudes, buy the guy a beer. He’s riding high these days ever since the Hustler guys flew him down to L.A. to shoot some test pix for Barely Legal. Couldn’t be happier for you, Mitchell Aidelbaum.

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

New Yelp superhero: Pube Face

Do you like my chin patch? It was inspired by a dancer at the Mitchell Brothers. Or was it the Lusty Lady? Damn I can’t remember cause I’m sooooo wasted and having soooo much fun out here in the suuuuuper coooool Bay Area, duuuuude! Whew! Who wants to go to Tahoe? No, I mean right now! Right fucking now, dude, I will soooo do that! I will just get in my “Too Fast Too Furious” Civic, flip on the purple neon running lights and bad-ass it over the Bay Bridge at like a hundred and twenty, I am soooo serious, just totally!

Thanks again to our dear friend Mitchell Aidelbaum, aka Maximum Mitch. M to the A-izzle, bro.

Much love to Jeremy Levine of Bessemer Ventures, yo

Hot Asian lezbo chicks were making out and grabbing ass. Ethnic looking dudes were chugging Grey Goose in elevators. Jeremy Levine of Bessemer, I likes da way you roll, dawg. One hunnert percent classy.

Best of all, my favorite wigga K-Fed was in da house, yo.

Sadly, Bike Helmet Girl missed the bash. And Big Mama Gummy Bear is rumored to have been out having more gum surgery.

All photographs courtesy of the massively talented Mitchell Aidelbaum.

Obviously a Dell user

This bad boy’s real name is Todd, and he grew up in Grosse Point, Michigan but tells everyone he’s from Detroit. His dad is a top exec at GM and very disappointed in old Todd, who lives in Potrero Hill, works at Staples and has changed his name to to Sat’n — “Yeah, that’s with an apostrophe instead of the second `a,’ but it’s pronounced `Satan.'” He’s got a tongue and he knows how to use it, both on dudes and on chicks.

And, um, isn’t that chick the same hot Asian who was assaulting chicks in the other photos? This girl knows how to party.

Disgusting photos courtesy of amateur pornographer Mitchell Aidelbaum who reports three new cases of genital warts were acquired as a result of this party, all from the same certain Miss You-Know-Who. A new record for Yelp!

Hot damn, yo! The Yelptards is back!

And throwin down bigtime yo. Yes folks it’s true. Those moronic, drunken, rug-munching, Web 2.0 posers-slash-losers-who-think-they’re-soooo-hiphop-cool, those utterly San Francisco hard partying kids have struck again, with a an “Elite” Yelptard party at the Bubble Lounge. Once again the debauchery was captured for posterity by the talented Mitchell Aidelbaum, who is now calling himself “Maximum Mitch.” See the whole party here on the Flickr page of Maximum Mitch.

And yes, I’m pretty sure that’s Make-out Girl from the last party. Right?

UPDATE: The girl in the original photo insists she is NOT Make-Out Girl from the last party; and asks that I take down her photo. KK, I got your email. Peace.

(And KK? You might want to contact Mitchell Aidelbaum aka Maximum Mitch. He’s the Yelptard who took that embarrassing photo of you and put it on his flickr page to promote the wild Yelptard lifestyle. It’s still there on his page, where anyone can see it, just FYI.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Make Out Girl writes in too

And her email is a doozy.

Dear Steve Jobs,
My name is Catherine and I’m one of the “girls” you made fun of in your blog for “making out” with another “chick.” (I’m the more attractive one, wearing the gray skirt. And fair play to you on the frumpy dress my friend was wearing. I agree it’s hideous. But on the subject of my “freaky” skirt, however, I’m afraid I must protest. It’s Givenchy, darling, and not off the rack.) But moving on. Just wanted to let you know that my companion, Catriona, and I are not, in fact, “Yelptards.” We are graduates of Harvard, which is a university on the East Coast. Have you heard of it? It’s pretty well regarded in some circles. Catriona graduated with honors, and I graduated summa cum laude. (It’s Latin, you can look it up.) We’re now Ph.D. candidates at the UC-Santa Cruz, in the Department of Feminist Studies (formerly called Women’s Studies) studying under Bettina Aptheker. (Have you heard of her? No? Really? She’s pretty famous. And you’d like her. She’s a “lezbo” too.) We’ve been following your blog for some time, reading it as a clever parody-of-a-parody (or parity or parroty as the case may be). We admired its droll, puckish send-up of schoolboy humor; its deconstructed author-as-both-narrative-and-author; not to mention its self-aware yet juvenile humor which we read as intended to mock things like the ghastly Harvard Lampoon. Sort of a lampoon of lampoons, if you will. (Or even if you won’t, for that matter.) In other words, Fake Steve, we dug your stuff.

But apparently we were giving you too much credit. Because we were shocked when you latched on to our “make-out” performance and thought it represented an image of “lezbos” (ugh, shiver, hate that word) and failed to recognize its actual intent, which was as a sly, ironic statement about subverting (by (in)verting and thus (per)verting) the male gaze. Honestly, we thought a smarty-pants Zen master like yourself would catch that right away. You have heard of the “male gaze,” right? No? Come on. Laura Mulvey? Michel Foucault? Jacques Lacan? Jacques Derrida? Gilles Deleuze? Felix Guattari? These names ringing any bells? Seriously? Oh, wait. That’s right. You didn’t go to college. Aw. Well, trust me. They’re right up there with Einstein, Picasso and Gandhi. Even with John Lennon. (I know, hard to believe.) As for what our performance was about, let me try to explain it in a way that you and your little pal Nemo could understand. We’re not “hot lezzzbos” from a Girls Gone Wild video. We were making a joke, and you ended up being the butt of it. Peace out. Catherine.

(Please note that the above photograph was taken by a fantastic photographer named Mitchell Aidelbaum. Here is the flickr account page of Mitchell Aidelbaum, where you can see the entire body of work by Mitchell Aidelbaum, including this one entitled “Bundle of Women,” and this one showing a three-girl makeout session. Is it porno? I don’t know, but I’m beating off to it. Mitchell Aidelbaum, everyone at Apple loves your work and we want to see more. How do you get them to do this? I can never get chicks to agree to it. At least not good-looking ones. What draws them? Is it the venture money? Maybe we should start a Web 2.0 company. Which, by the way, let’s give a big shout-out to venture capitalist and “king o’ da pimps” Jeremy Levine, whose firm, Bessemer Venture Partners, put up the bucks for this. Thanks, Jeremy. And, as always, thanks again to the very talented Mitchell Aidelbaum.)

Bike Helmet Girl responds

Here’s her email. It’s awesome, I must admit.

Dear Obnoxious Guy Who Is Totally Older Than My Dad but Thinks He’s Still Cool, As If:
Thank you so much for the offer of a free MacBook Pro. I’d like to take you up on it, but right now I am between apartments and staying with friends (in their van) and therefore don’t have a mailing address you could use. Could you perhaps hold on to the MacBook Pro for a while until I’m able to take delivery, or until we save up enough gas money to drive down the Peninsula and pick it up? If you wouldn’t mind, please take it out of the box, turn it on, and let it run for a while until it gets good and hot. Then wedge it up between your butt cheeks and squeeze. See if you can hold it like that till I can get to Cupertino. Luv, Karen aka Tiffany.

Bike Helmet Girl, I think I’m starting to fall for you.

(Please note that the above photograph was taken by a fantastic and good-natured photographer named Mitchell Aidelbaum whose career we are trying to support. Here is Mitchell Aidelbaum‘s flickr account page, where you can see more photographs by Mitchell Aidelbaum. Thanks again for your great work, Mitchell Aidelbaum, especially the shots of hot chicks swapping germs which are posted on the flickr account page of Mitchell Aidelbaum and distributed under a Creative Commons license. We believe that great things are coming your way, Mitchell Aidelbaum.)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Yelptards, look, I apologize. Seriously.

Man the hate mail is just rolling in after those three Yelp items I posted yesterday. Like this one:

Dear Grumpy Old Man,
My name is Karen, aka Tiffany, aka the girl in the bicycle helmet that you made fun of on your blog. [Note: see her here.] Just for you’re information, I have to wear that helmet because I have a medical condition where I sometimes get dizzy and fall over without warning. However, I am not a frigtard, as you put it. In fact I am a graduate of Hampshire College and a very successful performance artist in San Francisco. Not that you would know about that since your too busy living down on the Peninsula and listening to classic rock in your mansion and making those ripoff iPods. And that woman you described as “Big Mama Gummy Bear,” just for your information, came to the party right after having some really painful oral surgery, but still put on a brave face and did her best to have a good time. So, anyway, hope you enjoy having fun at other people’s expense. Your not funny though. Your a mean person and a phony with your whole David Carradine Kung Fu act and everyone knows it.

Tiffany aka Karen:
Namaste. I bow to you. You are correct. I beg your forgiveness. I was wrong to insult you and to make fun of you and your friends. I deeply apologize. When we insult another, we insult all people. Including ourselves. My soul is deeply troubled for having caused this harm. This damage needs to be repaired. Could I send you and your friend some brand new MacBooks with superfast Intel Core 2 Duo processors? Please let me know. From the depths of my being, I am sorry.


P.S. we’ve also received a complaint from Mitchell Aidelbaum, the very talented photographer who took the photos at the Yelp party. He writes:

Please either credit me on every photo with a link to my flickr account or pay me for the use of those photos (Which I’d rather have).

Unfortunately we are broke but we want to give credit to Mitchell Aidelbaum for his fine work. All of the Yelp photographs, including the one that we link to in the above item, were taken by the very talented Mitchell Aidelbaum and distributed under a Creative Commons license. Here is Mitchell Aidelbaum‘s flickr account page. FSJ thanks Mitchell Aidelbaum for his fine work. We regret that when first posted this item did not include credit for Mitchell Aidelbaum.