Longtime readers will know that this blog has a wonderful history with the online blackmail racket known as Yelp. You can see our whole tag string here, and enjoy the run-ins we had with various Yelptards, such as Butt Plug Girl and her angry boyfriend, who were upset about many things, including a bad lap dance in Las Vegas; Pube Face; Big Mama Gummy Bear; and of course, Bike Helmet Girl, who later almost became my lover. I’ve especially always had a warm spot in my heart for Yelp founder Jeremy Stoppelman (photo above), who I said “appears to be just the kind of sociopathic nouveau riche lady killer that I’ve always admired.”

Well, it turns out I had no idea how much of an evil fucker this guy actually is.

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Dudes, I’m still sort of madly in love with Tiffany, aka Bike Helmet Girl, the girl with the golden glutes (center dancer in photo above), and though my feelings are unrequited I’m still going to promote her upcoming dance show — she’s asked me to attend, and invites any FSJ readers too. I will definitely be there. I’ll be wearing a disguise, but will introduce myself to anyone who wears some kind of FSJ badge or T-shirt. (Also, FWIW, the robot on the right side of the photo is being played by Scott McNealy.) For info & tickets click here.

Just to refresh everyone’s memory, and to clue in some of the newbies, BHG is one of the original Yelptards (look it up under labels). To see some of the original hot pix of Bike Helmet Girl dancing in her underwear at a Yelptard party, see this and this on the flickr page of Mitchell “Maximum Mitch” Aidelbaum, ace photographer. Yeah. Now you see why I’m in love with her.

UPDATE: No idea why this first went up with comments not allowed. I think one of the interns here at FSJ Central is still coming up to speed. Or was coming up to speed. He’s gone now. Peace out.

Dudes, BPG has taken down all her reviews on Yelp. Which is unfortunate because they were amazingly good. Anyhoo, we’ve had our fun, but it seems best that we should just leave BPG and BPB alone. Not because of the lawsuits or the samurai sword expertise. (Well, okay, maybe a little because of the swords.) But they seem like nice enough folks, and they don’t seem to appreciate the humor. So let’s bid them a fond farewell and go find some other Yelptard who is either a) super pretentious; or b) super mean; or c) both. Free fake shuffle to whoever finds our first Yelptard of the Month.

Also: Though we’re going to lay off BPG and BPB, Fantasia Q. Minge is still fair game. Peace out.

We have just received a “subpeena” (sic) from a woman named Fantasia Q. Minge, who describes herself as an “adult performer” at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas, seeking “damiges” for repeating the “slandrous defecation” of her reputation by Butt Plug Girl on Yelp.

PLAINTIFF(S) FANTASIA Q. MINGE and SPEARMINT RHINO MANAGEMENT hereby contend that DEFENDANT(S) BUTT PLUG GIRL, BUTT PLUG BOY, YELP INC., GOOGLE INC., and FAKE STEVE JOBS have cast aspersion on the performance of PLAINTIFF FANTASIA Q. MINGE to the detriment of her career and for their own commercial gain. PLAINTIFF SPEARMINT RHINO contends that PLAINTIFF FANTASIA Q. MINGE did perform a satisfactory private lapdance for DEFENDANT(S) BUTT PLUG GIRL and BUTT PLUG BOY, with said performance remaining well within the limits set forth in the ordinances of Las Vegas, Nevada. PLAINTIFFS contend that misleading and inaccurate reviews have caused PLAINTIFF SPEARMINT RHINO to suffer a loss of patronage and in particular has caused PLAINTIFF FANTASIA Q. MINGE to suffer a decline in requests for lapdances. Thereby the above-named DEFENDANT parties are asked to pay no less than $1 million (USD) to FANTASIA Q. MINGE and SPEARMINT RHINO MANAGEMENT in compensation and restitution; to delete all offending reviews from the Internets; and to post a public apology immediately to FANTASIA Q. MINGE, her colleagues, and the management of SPEARMINT RHINO.

Hoo boy. This one just keeps getting better.

UPDATE: Apparently BPG got the same letter from Fantasia Q. Minge and took it to heart. She has taken down all of her reviews on Yelp including the one where she said mean things about Fantasia and the other girls at Spearmint Rhino, like calling them “stupid bitches.” Not sure if she’s also agreed to compensate Fantasia Q. Minge for her lost lapdance wages. Personally I’m just hoping that Fantasia Q. Minge will go away now that the offending material has been taken down off the “Internets.” –FSJ

Since Saxon Schrute now is threatening legal action I thought it might be interesting to look at some of the nasty reviews that Butt Plug Girl has posted on her Yelp page about various establishments. I won’t reprint them but let’s just say that BPG isn’t shy about sharing her opinions or revealing waaay too many details about her intimate life with her beau. She accuses one restaurant of serving rotten meat; calls a store in San Leandro “not honest,” and complains that strippers at Spearmint Rhino in Vegas did not deliver a satisfactory lapdance for her and her boyfriend. She does, however, rave about the strapons at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. Not kidding. Dudes, you can’t make this stuff up.

Check out these videos from the Samurai sword website where Saxon Schrute appears to be a member. I think this dude may be his personal sensei. Holy crap. The bottom photo on this page appears to show what happens to bloggers who use their typing hand to offend a master swordsman. Okay, now I really am scared. Kind of.

Now he’s eschewing physical threats and instead imitating an attorney. He writes:

You have published libelous and copyrighted materials for commercial gain without authorization. This has caused damages to the parties named. You are hereby asked to pay $7500 to these parties, remove the offending materials, and post a public apology immediately. Other parties who have republished these libelous and copyrighted materials have been similarly notified.
Saxon R MacLeod

Not sure who this guy is but now he’s added his middle initial so things are getting more official. He shows up here having something to do with a psychology experiment at Stanford and here
publishing an extremely erudite analysis of Plato on the Barnes & Noble website. This appears to be his LinkedIn page showing a B.S. in psychology from University of Iowa and employment at a non-Yelp company in the Bay Area. He seems also to have some connection to this website about Japanese Samurai swords. (Eeps. Check out the scary video.) One of his comments: “It is a good thing to divine the meaning behind the events of life. In fact, the meaning IS the life.” Here he is badgering Tori Amos online and getting smacked down in return.

Okay, he’s not a lawyer. But he’s clearly an intellectual heavyweight and quite likely an expert Japanese swordsman. But then again, um, I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? I asked Apple’s fake legal team to check on this stuff just in case. Their opinion is that when people post stuff online it is fair game to link to it and make fun of it; and reproducing comments they make or photos they’ve published falls under the doctrine of “fair use.” Especially if a site is clearly a parody and no reasonable person would ever take anything on it seriously. Ahem. They suggested I file a fake countersuit over Saxon’s threat of physical violence. I’d rather just direct SRM to this page about blogging and free speech on the Electronic Frontier Foundation website. Money quote:

We’re working to shield you from frivolous or abusive threats and lawsuits. Internet bullies shouldn’t use copyright, libel, or other claims to chill your legitimate speech.

Much love, Butt Plug Boyfriend.

He calls himself “Saxon MacLeod” (which I believe was the name of a private eye on some 1970s TV show — he drove a Trans Am that talked or something) and says the following in the comment string on the BPG item:

I’m going to give you an opportunity to show you’re anything but a 12 year old girl by getting in touch with me, at which point I will give you an opportunity to take on the face you’ve appropriated through the reconstructive plastic surgery you will need.

Butt Plug Boy, I really get upset by negative people and violence of any kind — I’m all about creating beautiful objects and making the world a more amazing place — but if you really want to throw down, hey, round up your nunchuks and butt plugs and drive down in your talking Trans Am to 1 Infinite Loop in Cupertino and ask for me. I’ll have my ex-Mossad security team at the gates, and Katie Cotton in her sniper post waiting for you. Or just call the main number, 408-996-1010, and ask for me, and we’ll make an appointment. We can meet on the heliport out back. I gotta warn you, I’ve been doing tai chi for like 30 friggin years. I may have to do the Dance of the Panther on you. If you wanna make it a real rumble, bring a couple of your tie-dyed candy-ass Berkeley friends, and I’ll bring Larry Ellison and T.J. Rodgers. Think you can handle three middle-aged billionaires? Well do ya, punk?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still in love with Bike Helmet Girl and she’ll always be my Number One. But I’m sending out much love to reader Joeyjoseph who sent in this link to our new favorite Yelptard, a hot Asian chick who calls herself Scarlet but is considering changing her Yelp name to Anne, Charlotte, Madeleine or Marianne. Check out her reviews which are almost entirely nasty. She’s also a bit obsessed with sex, especially butt sex. And she’s mightily impressed with her own intellectual abilities, as displayed on her ridiculously pretentious blog “Sartre & Heidegger.” (I’m not kidding, that’s really the name.) Some must-read entries include this one about her dream jobs which include wrapping gifts, decorating cakes, running a sex shop and writing for The New Yorker. (Ahem.)

She also has some strong and hilarious opinions on
how math is taught in schools and appears to be slightly obsessed with butt sex, butt plugs, and sadomasochism.

Folks, welcome to the Bay Area. It’s crawling with people like this. Frigtards who think they’re “intellectuals” and spend a lot of time in cafes “journaling” and figure they can get back at their parents by having butt sex. That’s why I love it here. Honestly.

By the way the runner-up in Yelptard of the month award goes to Scarlet’s pal Stormi C, whose review page gives high marks to “Yelp booty” and would lead you to believe that Yelptards do nothing but go to parties, get drunk, and have low-IQ group sex with other pretentious strangers. No wonder Yelp is doing so well! Check out such nuggets as this description of a recent Yelp party:

As usual, Todd E. expertly picked a venue for us yelpers to engage in utter debauchery. As usual, I did my part to contribute to said debauchery. As usual, my little chocolate hands engaged in yet another episode of grab ass with my fellow yelpers, increasing said debauchery ten fold! As usual, I have a problem with the drink! I blame the Pineapple Martinis and Ketel One Lemonades at this place. My addictive personality could not resist them.

This ebony sistah also appears to do some modeling. Check it out here. In fact a pal of mine who’s a doc at UCSF Medical Center says they’re treating so many Yelptards that the hospital’s STD clinic now posts alerts around upcoming Yelp events and puts extra docs on duty on days following these parties. They’re also coming up with new names for certain diseases to use on patient charts, eg, “Yelpamydia” and “Genital Yelps.” Much love, kids!

So it was all a setup. I’ve been wondering whether to even blog about this. But I know people are gonna ask. So whatever. I feel kinda sick about the whole thing. But anyway, they’re the ones who look like a-holes. They showed up on time, acting all flirty on the drive up to the city, and all flirty during the show and during dinner. So I go into the men’s room at Brandy Ho’s and take the Viagra. By the time we hit the apartment in Pacific Heights I’m walking with a limp and my nose is all stuffed up and it’s all good. I get out a bottle of champagne. They go change into these sexy pajamas. We kick back on the couch. I start to make my move and suddenly they leap up, all offended, like, Oh my God, you didn’t think this was a date, did you? And they’re acting sort of mortified and amused at the same time. And then sad. Like, oh, you poor old man, you really did think this was a date, didn’t you? Then they started talking about Death in Venice and talking about this crush I have on Bike Helmet Girl who looks like she’s 14 years old and how it’s one of those mortality things where you see the end of your own life drawing closer and what you’re really in love with is youth and life but it gets transferred into sexuality, this kind of base desire, and they started calling me Aschenbach and then Catriona started reciting Yeats’s “Sailing to Byzantium,” with this stuff about old dudes still feeling sick with desire and whatever.

In other words: Yeah. Excruciating. No doubt the whole thing was recorded somehow and is gonna show up on YouTube in the next day or so. Well, I feel like an ass. Kind of. Bigger problem was that then it was one in the morning and I’ve got a raging Viagra boner and if you’ve ever taken Viagra you know it can have some side effects including some not-so-pleasant things involving your digestive tract. Add to that the effect of super-spicy Hunan food, the kind that “burns three times” as they say in Mexico (hint: the third time is the dog’s nose) and you’ll got the picture. The girls went to bed, and I spent a memorable hour in the bathroom, groaning, and staring down at Little Stevie, this evil bastard of a third leg which wouldn’t go away. Finally at about 4:30 I got back into disguise and drove down to the Tenderloin and had Stevie Junior taken care of by some “woman” who was taller than me and had bigger hands, and who had the nerve to say, as she was getting out of my car, “Dude, nobody is gonna buy that iTV thing. Seriously.” Then when I pulled my jeans back on my wallet was gone. Nice, right?

On the bright side, Bike Helmet Girl’s performance was amazing. I am even more in love with her now than I was before. Seriously. I was gonna go out back after the show and try to meet her, but the Make Out Girls insisted on leaving early. All part of the plan, I realize now. Not sure but I think they were all in cahoots on this, like it was some kind of Yelptard conspiracy to get revenge or something. I dunno. I’d like to think that Bike Helmet Girl is being sincere and really likes me as much as I like her. Christ. Jobso, get a grip. I mean, will ya listen to me? Here I am, just after getting played like a frigtard by the Make Out Girls, and I’m still hoping that Bike Helmet Girl might be sincere. Hope springs eternal I guess. So does Little Stevie, who’s still under the influence of Vitamin V and standing at attention. Worse yet, I get to the office and there’s an urgent message from Peter Oppenheimer saying we’ve got to meet with some lawyers and finance guys today. Great. I’d rather have a friggin colonoscopy than listen to those idiots.

Anyhoo. That was my big night out. Tiffany, I still have the MacBook Pro in my car. And you were great. Honestly. Amazing. You really are talented. And beautiful. I don’t care if I’m making a fool of myself. You’re the best. I mean it.

God sometimes I am such a putz.