Monday, August 31, 2009

Disney is buying Marvel for $4 billion

See here. Woz is so excited he’s pissing himself. He just called and wants to know if he I can introduce him to The Incredible Hulk. I told him sure, no problem. Sigh.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Woz says this is no big deal

“I’ve gone twice as long as this guy, and nobody ever gave me a medal for it,” he says.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Surgeon uses iPhone to knock people unconscious

I have to admit, I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. When I see all the ways people have found to use iPhone to bring happiness to the world, well, it just gets me kind of choked up. I mean these are things I’d never even imagined. In this case it’s a surgeon in Seattle who’s using his iPhone to sedate patients. To see the Gizmodo article on this exact same subject, but with video that actually plays, go here. Much love, Gizmodo. And much love, whoever figured out how to use iPhone to knock people out.

UPDATE: Please be responsible. Do not use the hypnotic power of iPhone to knock people out in places that are not appropriate. Like on the subway, or while sitting in traffic, or in restaurants, or on dates. And yes, Woz, I’m talking to you. Freak.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Woz, do not bum out. She is SO not worth it.

So apparently it’s official: Woz and Kathy Griffin have split up. Woz, dude, I posted this scary-ass photo of her just so you could remind yourself of how lucky you are to get away from this horrible woman. Seriously, man. You could do so much better than this. And apparently you have, since the story says you’re already getting married to someone else. Please tell me it’s not iJustine.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Woz isn’t going to buy a cloned Mac, trust me.

Dudes, please, for the love of all things holy, get a grip. About a zillion of you have sent in links to articles like this one on Ars Technica where Woz is quoted saying he might buy one of these nutso Psystar Mac clones. Quote from the Wozmeister: “I need another tower and I like the price, so I may get one.”

People, come on. He’s joking. Okay? The guy’s rich. He doesn’t care what stuff costs. And anyway he gets any Apple product he wants, for no cost. He’s punking you, you dumb reporters! He’s been doing this stuff for years. It’s worse now because he’s getting older and he doesn’t have much to do and frankly the poor old bastard is bored out of his skull. So when reporters call him he considers it a chance to play a prank on them. He once told a guy from InfoWeek that he’d stopped using toilet paper for environmental reasons, and was only wiping his butt with his bare hand, “like they do in Monaco.” The kid printed it. Hilarious.

If you think that’s bad you should see what Woz does to telemarketers. He’s the only person I know who hasn’t had himself put on the “Do Not Call” list. He told me he wished they had a “Please Do Call” list so he could get on it. He does terrible things to them. He’ll pretend to be brain damaged, and keep asking them to repeat what they just said. He’ll tell them he weighs a thousand pounds and that he’s lying in bed eating onion dip out of his navel. He’ll make up stories, like he just came inside from burying his neighbor’s tiny dog which he accidentally ran over and killed with his lawnmower and he doesn’t know if he should tell anyone. Or he and Kathy Griffin will pretend to be having an argument (because it turns out she loves doing this stuff to telemarketers too) and she’ll start screaming at him and he’ll scream back, telling her to shut up because “I’m trying to help our family by obtaining zero percent APR financing rates on our credit card debt, okay? So just sit your white trash ass back down on that couch and shut your pie hole while I talk some business with this finance person. Okay, sir? You still there? I’m sorry about that. My wife’s on new medication and it’s just making her crazy. Oh, wait, hold on a sec. No, you shut up, slut! Do not push me, baby. I will knock those teeth out of your head! Okay, sir, are you still there? No, we’re fine. Please go ahead. This is important.”

Another one is he’ll pretend he’s elderly — “Ninety-one years old and still making love once a week to my girlfriend, and she’s eighty-three!” — and then when the telemarketer goes into her rap he’ll ask her to hold on a minute and he’ll say he’s feeling some tightness and pain in his chest and he needs to get his nitroglycerin pills but then he’ll pretend he’s fallen over and he can’t get to his pills and he’s having a heart attack and can the woman please call 911 and he starts to tell them the address but then he drops the phone before he can spit it out. And I mean he’ll act out the whole thing, lying on the floor, groaning, everything.

The worst one is sometimes if the telemarketer is a woman he’ll tell her that his girlfriend recently broke up with him (usually for some bizarre reason, like she fell in love with a carnival midget) and he’ll start telling the telemarketer how nice his girlfriend was and how he misses her so much and he keeps calling her and leaving messages and she won’t call him back. Then he’ll start to cry a little bit and he’ll say he’s just so lost and lonely and forlorn, and he can’t sleep at night — and then he’ll say, “You know, ma’am, you sound really nice. Can I ask what you’re wearing? Oh that’s nice. Do you mind if I just touch myself while you tell me about the vinyl siding? No please, go on. Really. I want to hear all about it. Uh-huh. Oh. Oh yes. Uh-huh. Vinyl. Never paint again. Lower heating bills. Yes. Yes. That’s good. No, please keep talking, I want to hear all about it.” Then Kathy will barge in and say, “Tommy, honey, it’s time for prayers. Tommy? What are you doing? Are you masturbating again? Are you on the phone? Who are you talking to?” Then she’ll grab the phone and say, “Who is this and what are you doing corrupting my son with your filth? Do you realize this boy is fourteen years old? Well I swear you are in huge trouble. I want your name and your supervisor’s name and I am calling the police right now. I mean it. As the Lord is my witness, you are going to jail!”

Anyway, trust me. Woz won’t be buying a Psystar computer. He’s just having some fun with some poor tech reporter. Good one, Woz. You’ve still got it. You old nut.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Jealous Woz bashes iPhone, MacBook Air and Apple TV

See here. He says iPhone sucks cause it’s not 3G; MacBook Air sucks cause it has no optical drive and you can’t remove the battery; and he doesn’t like the rental policy on Apple TV. On this last point — dude, you’re a billionaire. Just buy the movies you want. Okay? Why are you renting?

Anyway it’s worth checking out because it’s classic Woz, playing the big role of Mr. Honesty when in fact he’s just sooooo jealous that he doesn’t get to work on products anymore. So instead he just bashes what we do. Fine. Fair enough. What really pisses me of is that he does this even after I kept it a secret about him getting crabs from Kathy Griffin.

Dear Woz: Sleep with one eye open, brother. That’s all I’m going to say.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Woz forgives me for ripping him off

See here. He did an interview with some magazine from Wharton and they asked him about the time I got him to do some work for Atari and I told him I’d received $700 for us to split when actually it was a few thousand. His answer:

“When you judge Steve as a person — the great things he brings to the world versus, maybe, these encroachments on personal decency or personal honesty with other people or disrespect of people when they’ve worked very hard and do a great job and he’ll say, “Oh, that’s just shitty,” that sort of thing — those are probably outweighed by the good that he does for the world. …

“What Steve does on the good side — like the music scenario [in which] we didn’t bring just a music device called the iPod, we brought a whole music system: a store that sells it, a computer that manages and organizes it. And an iPod is just a satellite to your computer. Plug it in and it works. You don’t have to do anything.

“You’ve got to admire Steve for that kind of thinking.

“Nobody’s perfect. [Everybody is] going to have cases where they did something bad to somebody, said something nasty to them and maybe regret it later.”

I’m in tears as I write this. Woz, I love you too, man. I truly do.

Folks please read the entire article. It’s a gem. Except the parts where Woz says the company has changed and we put too much emphasis on making products look cool. That part you can just skip right over.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Woz — the Jan Brady of the Valley?

Dear reader Brian writes in to ask if anyone else has noticed the striking resemblance between Jan Brady — the perennial runner-up little sister in the Brady Bunch who was always jealous of her older, better looking, more successful sister, Marcia — and my former business partner, the one and only Woz. I’d never thought of this before but I think Brian has a point.

BTW, Woz picked up five MacBook Airs from our first batch and word is he’s already been griping about what he would have done differently and what features he wishes it had and what’s wrong with the design, blah blah. Look for him to be mouthing off somewhere in public soon.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Woz spotted texting with his RAZR

Here’s a spy shot sent in by dear reader Joe B. showing Woz at some Golden State Warriors hockey game sending text messages with a non-iPhone device. We believe it is a Motorola RAZR, which Woz has been known to rave about. Not sure what this is all about, really. Some kind of weird way of getting back at me? If so, Woz, hear me on this: It’s not working. I’m still the cool one.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I know what you’re thinking, and yes — Woz paid for this

Surely by now you’ve seen the stories (like this one in TUAW) about how Epcot has put an animatronic Woz on Spaceship Earth at Epcot. Sad but true story about this is that the real animatronic Woz paid Disney to get himself put on display. In fact he paid extra to have me taken out of the display so he could be there alone. Guy is just determined to cement this myth that he created the personal computer. It’s like his new personal crusade. I’ve told him, Dude, everyone knows there were personal computers before we made our first machine. Gates was going around recently telling people how he was making all sorts of versions of BASIC before we came along. But there’s no dissuading old Woz. He’s determined to make people believe this. And one thing he learned from me (see, he was kind of paying attention sometimes) is that if you tell a lie over and over, enough times, and if you really, really believe it, eventually it becomes the truth. We used to call this the “False To True Conversion Cycle.” We had charts and graphs showing how it worked and how much it could cost to convert any lie to truth depending on the size and complexity and detachment from reality — the whole thing. Now the old FTTCC is so ingrained in our culture that we don’t even need to study it or think about it. We just do it. But I digress. Anyhoo, like Woz told me, Sure it’s going to cost a fortune to make people believe I invented the personal computer, but what the hell, I’ve got shitloads of money and nothing better to do, and at this point in my life it’s all about locking down my place in history. Plus it’s fun to see people keep falling for it.

Have at it, Woz. You big old bear. As Madonna once sang, If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.

(The pic originated here.)