I’m kinda’ pissed off at Michael Arrington (don’t you just hear Mosspuppet in your head saying Michael Arrington’s name when you read it? Arrrrrington … It’s like a drunk Canadian pronunciation of  a ring tone , but then again, I think Arrington’s mind is totally off the hook, and not in the good way, I mean someone knocked the receiver off the hook, and there ain’t nobody there) ‘cos he when he’s not making stuff up, like claiming this web site is going to be shutting down (he’s just pissed that, one, he doesn’t have a hit tv show on the horizon, and two, Hoggworks nor anybody else has made a parody puppet or a cardboard cut-out to parody his sad existence on planet Earth), he wastes time and space belittling other people’s April Fools pranks, especially Google’s. If someone asked me what has four legs, two long ears, went hee-haw and thought it could write a tech blog I’d say it was Michael Jackassington. He even looks annoying. It’s like this round pumpkinhead with a bad haircut on this blobby body with ill-fiting clothes. He could be the Rush Limbaugh of tech journalism, if knew how to write about technology. And he tries to come off so smug. Hello, my name is Michael Arrogant-Son-A-Bitch, what’s your problem? And this Crunchpad thing? He should count himself goddamn lucky three times over he didn’t have any money invested in this stupid flying carpet operation. It’s obviously a confidence scheme to steal credit card numbers. He honestly thought he could attach his name to this thing and make a small fortune. The idgit couldn’t assemble a Z-80 Heathkit, let alone create something as wunnerful and audacious as the iPad. So he’s an easy mark, delusional and just plain stupid. If I was going to do a parody of this mental patient, he’d be portrayed by a big stinking hairy pair of buttocks, that’s right we’re talking a live fleshy derriere, with a couple of pasted on googly eyeballs with hairy brows. And every time it talked, nothing but diarrhea would spew out. It’d be so disgusting, but it’d be the biggest hit on YouTube.

deluded has been

A fresh faced intern would read viewer questions about technology and then Michael Asscheeks would let loose with more diarrhea. It’d be gross and spectacular. It’d be so successful, Howard Stern would claim I ripped him off. Not that anybody is listening to satellite radio these days, are they?

You know, it’s great when Mosspuppet goes off his meds goes after someone for some alleged infraction. His latest target happens to be TUAW, who had the audacity to question something Apple has done.  As if. It seems he’s upset about colors, as best I can tell. MP’s mad about this TUAW article, and this line in particular:

Sometimes, white is the new black, and sometimes black is the new black. For Apple, aluminum is currently the new black.

MP has his shorts in a bunch over Gizmodo’s glorious review of the latest mobile phone offering from Microsoft. If you see Mosspuppet on a window ledge somewhere, try to talk him down, OK?  Heck, here’s the rest of his rant:

You ignorant sons of (whoops!) I’ll destroy you! How dare you say such a thing about the iPhone. How dare you! Do you have any idea how much effort my close, personal friend Steve Jobs put into personally designing that interface, and for what? So some Ballmer-come-lately hunk of junk can come around and get higher praise? What do you think the iPhone is, some cheap prom date you can ignore once you’ve had her on your back? No sir!

Mosspuppet has had some classic freakouts, but this one might take the cake. Here he goes after Chandra Nowaycanyouhopetopronouncehisname, the CEO of JooJoo. Best quote of the bunch: “Aside from the entirety of this situation, what fascinates me is Chandra’s tone: he’s either completely unaware of anything that’s been in the news for 10 years, is certifiably insane, his fight-or-flight response is wired backwards, or his balls are as big as my goiter.” Although I also like “More fun from Fusion Garage and their whacky, possibly recently-thawed CEO, Chandra WrathofKhan.” WrathofKhan, geddit? Anyway, click and enjoy.

That’s the bottom line from Mosspuppet.  What does he know, he’s still high from sniffing the velour in his new warmup suit.  (I see now where it has a new “Mosspuppet logo” on there- nice.) He’s cranked about some poll where people say they mostly wanna use the thing to read books. Think Big Picture, says MP.

Something about Google is enforcing an early-termination fee with the Nexus One. It seems if you decide to cancel your T-Mobile service deal in under four months, that’ll be $550, please.  Of course, you agreed to the TOS when you bought the thing, but who reads that, anyway?  Mosspuppet did.

We all know Mosspuppet’s abnormal love for Dear Leader. Some might call it…unhealthy.  MP has come out with a new rant today.  “I have just been informed by an Anonymous Tipster of what Apple’s plan to get as many people aboard the iTrain as possible. No, they’re not going to make the products more affordable, because shut up.”  Clearly, this is one deranged puppet. “What they are doing is starting their own bank, called iSave. That’s right, rather than paying $1200 + $60-$90/month, you’ll just pay your $150 every month to Apple.”  It sorta sounds like tithing at church to me.  But he’s the most important tech journalist in the world, or the only one, I forget which.  So shut up.