Thursday, March 20, 2008

Great news. Our ads are destroying the Borg’s brand image

That anyway is what some new study claims. Microsoft’s brand rating has plummeted in the past year. Well, I find that very gratifying. But frankly I think Vista has had more to do with ruining Microsoft’s image than anything we could do.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Wipe your ass with Vista. Everyone at Apple does.

We’ve ordered a thousand cases of this Vista toilet paper from Japan and will be stocking all buildings on campus with it. Talk about an infinite loop. Much love to Ryan Block of Engadget. And to John K. for the tip.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Vista now even more of a bargain

Well, the Borg has slashed the price of its amazing new operating system. Now it’s only $319 for the version that contains the full lineup of bugs and fuck-ups. Such a deal.

Meanwhile a lawsuit reveals that even as they were telling the world how great Vista was, Microsoft executives and board members were tearing their hair out trying to use it and complaining mightily that it was a piece of shit. Former Borg boss and now Borg board member Jon Shirley refused to upgrade his second machine from XP after seeing how bad Vista was on his first machine. Also, it turns out Dell was blasting them too. In other words they all knew it was an unusable piece of shit even as they were out encouraging customers to buy it.

In a related story, Microsoft announces Henry Blodget will be head of marketing. Just kidding.

Worse yet, some Borgtards have tried to blame Intel for the Vista Capable snafu.

You know what? It’s really starting to get sad up there in Redmond. Most days I can’t even work up the energy to hate them. But some days I still can, and on those days I feel really, really good about myself.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Allchin admits: We blew it on those stickers

Now the Borg is in trouble for the way it handled its “Vista capable” sticker program, letting PC makers put “Vista capable” stickers on machines that could only run Vista Home Basic, the low-end version which lacks many of the most annoying and unreliable frigtarded features found only in the more expensive versions. Naturally there’s a lawsuit, and the lawyers have dug up some email in which former Windows boss Jim Allchin says, “We really botched this.” The Borg of course says this email does not represent the truth and that, um, I don’t know, the sticker program was a huge success? Not sure. Sadly the lawsuit is not addressing larger issues like (a) the damage to the planet caused by the existence of any version of Vista, and (b) Microsoft’s outsized contribution to the destruction of world culture over the past three decades. Guess those issues will have to be taken up separately.

In unrelated news, we keep spotting Allchin at our Apple retail stores, wearing a disguise and paying in cash. Dude, we totally know it’s you.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Yet more raves for Vista

NEC officially announces a Vista downgrade program. I love it.

Monday, February 4, 2008

More raves for Vista

This is some trade magazine in the UK. To answer their question: It’s actually not pointless. Because once you’ve upgraded from XP and lived with this POS (Painful Operating System) for a while, you’ll be begging for a Mac. Truth is, everyone at Apple loves Vista. It’s the best marketing tool we’ve ever had. Much love, Monkey Boy. And good love with that Yahoo merger. Great move. Really. Couldn’t be happier for you.

Friday, February 1, 2008

More raves for Vista

See this article from the Seattle P.I. about a computer store in New Hampshire that has been really helping the Vista cause along. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, we are paying stores to do this. We call it market development. Interested parties should contact Phil Schiller’s office.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

More raves for Vista

This time from Cracked magazine, which includes Vista in its list called “2007: Seven Things We Should Pretend Never Happened.” Money quote: “Nearly everyone hated Vista, in the way that nearly everyone hates being stabbed. It didn’t matter. About 100 million copies of Windows Vista were sold in 2007, because 90 percent of the PCs for sale were already infected with it. Want a new computer? Want to be able to buy software for it? Well, then you don’t have a choice. Vista is one of those things the future will laugh at us for, in the same way we laugh about old hospitals using leeches.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Windows fucks up New Year’s Eve fireworks. In Seattle. Perfect.

See here. The dudes running the big fireworks show in Seattle had set up a computer to run the display and keep it timed with the music. But somehow the poor dumb piece of shit PC got messed up or crashed or needed to be rebooted or something and the whole show got ruined. Yup. In Seattle. Our spies say Ballmer was at the show and people around him started laughing and pointing at him and doing the monkey dance and chanting, “Vista sucks! Vista sucks!” Afterward Ballmer went back to the Borg campus and trashed an entire set of office furniture, although Frank Shaw of Waggener Edstrom says that this absolutely did not happen. Go Steve!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Brain scan confirms: Vista blows

Microsoft has applied for a patent for some mind-reading technology. See here. They’re going to use this technology to design user interfaces. They say they need to do this because simply listening to people doesn’t work. Reason? “Human beings are often poor reporters of their own actions,” the company says.

In other words, “People keep telling us that Vista sucks. So we’re going to start probing their brains until they tell us what we want to hear.”

It’s classic Borg, isn’t it? Naturally it’s much more sensible to create some wacky complicated system to trace brain activity and then translate that into user interface ideas. (See photo of system in action above.)

Beastmaster, listen up. The whole world is telling you that the new Office apps are too complex and scarier than Rosie O’Donnell in bicycle shorts. The whole world — inlcuding your PC maker business partners — is telling you that Vista sucks. You don’t need to scan your users’ brains. You need to scan your developers’ brains. And rewire them to be less frigtarded.

See a typically sharp piece on all this nonsense by Nick Carr here.

(Photo: Frank Shaw, DSM-IV.)