Monday, February 1, 2010

The iPad event took a lot out of me

Sorry for the long absence here, but that thing last week nearly killed me. Much love to everyone who reported that I was looking “feisty,” and “spry,” because, yeah. I am so fucking spry, motherfuckers. I’m a hundred and three pounds of ass-kicking ninja-fighting spry. Every morning when I leap out of bed and go out to train for that Marine Corps Marathon that I’m running in April, that’s exactly what I’m thinking. Jobso, I say to myself, you are one spry bastard.

Anyway, it’s been announced, and everyone loves it, and I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone now that we’ve totally changed the world again and that all of the other tech companies should just close their doors now because there is no way any other company can keep up with us. Now would you assholes from Gawker please get the fuck out of my way so that my bodyguards and I can race over to our mountain bikes and ride up to Marin County and enjoy a huge healthy lunch at Sushi Ran? Thank you.

Friday, January 29, 2010

“Your second option is to go fuck yourself”

My sentiments exactly. I am so sick of the griping. Jesus! No Flash? Who cares? No camera? Have you ugly motherfuckers looked at yourselves lately? Trust me, we’re doing the world a favor leaving the camera off this thing. Anyway, Gizmodo’s iPhone puppet lays it all out in this wonderful (yet not embeddable — thanks assholes) videoo.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Obama will use tablet in State of the Union address

Tablet could create jobs, spur the economy, pass health care, and defeat the Republicans Al Qaeda. That’s what we’re hearing from Rahm’s people, anyway.

Crowd is getting rowdy

Seriously, I’ve always wondered what happened to these guys. If anyone knows, please let me know. Better yet, if you have pictures of what they look like today, send them in. Free fake tablet to anyone who sends in photos that can be verified. Bonus prize of a free fake Verizon iPhone if you can get these two guys to stand next to each other and pose just like this.

(Art work by Art Director Jason.)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Apple faithful, this exploitation must stop!

What is it about hot chicks holding iPhones that makes you nerds go nuts? Here’s one from the guy who publishes iPhone Savior . He took a perfectly nice shot of Megan Fox in her undies and added an iPhone to the photo. Why? I have no idea. But as longtime readers know, I’m really, really appalled by this kind of stuff. And I will keep drawing attention to it until it stops. I mean it.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why the mainstream media is dying

Every once in a while you get to see a mainstream outlet cover a story right alongside a blog, so you can put them up against each other and see why one was so much better than the other. This week TechCrunch and the New York Times (photo) provided just such a lesson.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This guy says he invented "Think Different" and came up with the name "iMac" — next he’ll say he invented the iPod and the iPhone, too

It’s amazing, the nerve of these ad guys. This one is named Ken Segall and yes, he worked for us for a while, and now he’s going around claiming that he invented our slogan, “Think Different,” and that he invented the name “iMac.” To make it spicier, he tells Cult of Mac that when he first came up with the name iMac, I didn’t like it, and wanted to call the computer something else — something that was so awful that it would “curdle your blood.” Good Lord. What’s next? My guess is he’ll claim I got the idea for the black mock turtleneck from him too. Truth is, I got the BMT ™ from Larry Ellison, who used to rock this look all the time, sometimes in combination with a Caesar haircut.

But I changed BMT a bit by dropping the sport jacket, adding jeans and sneakers, and wearing it every single fucking day of my life. See, that’s the genius. It’s the repetition. That’s why I was able to get a patent on the combination. I even have pajamas in the same combination: blue bottoms, black top, and special sneakers that I only wear at home, like slippers. I know it’s weird. But at this point I’ve been doing it for so long that if I stop dressing this way then it will draw all sorts of crazy attention and speculation, and the bloggers will go nuts with it, and everyone will be wondering if something is wrong, or what does this mean, and on and on and on. So I’m stuck with it. Forever. Well, it’s my cross to bear.

People sometimes ask me how I feel about Glenn Beck

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
And I just point them to this video and go, Yeah, what they said.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Michelle + cat suit = Stevegasm

Lots of people don’t know this, but I’ve long had a “thing” for women of color. Michelle’s Halloween costume brought up lots of old feelings.

The whole fetish started when I was a kid, watching Eartha Kitt on the old Batman show. Woz and I used to get baked and watch that show in the afternoon. Woz was a fan of sexy librarian Barbara Gordon, aka Batgirl, and he also liked the dude who played King Tut. But for me it was Catwoman, only Catwoman, and only the Eartha Kitt Catwoman. Not Lee Meriwether or Julie Newmar. Yes, black Catwoman made me nuts, and then Woz would go home for supper and I’d be home alone, and look, I was a high school kid, with all the usual high school boy interests, which is my way of saying that I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, I did.

Needless to say I was pretty much totally in love as soon as I saw Michelle Obama for the first time. Those arms! Then over the weekend she shows up in a cat suit, with those sexy ears and the look in her eyes like she’s getting ready to pounce on some helpless little creature, and I’m like, Oh dear God, please let that helpless creature be me! I mean seriously, it’s like it’s 1970 all over again. All these buried feelings and repressed memories just came roaring out of my subconscious. Shelly, sweet Shelly, this is too much. Too much!

Futurologist: Super rich will live longer, evolve into superior species

Larry just sent me the link, with a note that said, Go us!

See the story here. Famed futurologist Paul Saffo (who happens to be a very good friend of mine, and who happens to love the new MacBook with its 7-hour battery) says advances in robotics and nanotech will enable humans to become immortal. But when ths stuff comes along, only the extremely rich will be able to buy it. Which means a few hundred people will jump on the evolutionary fast track, leaving everyone else behind, stuck wtih their pitiful muggle bodies and brains.

Big question we’ll face is whether we keep the muggles around, and if so, for what reason? Do we keep them as pets? Do we eat them? Do we enslave them with mind control and coerce them into sending us all of their money? Could we sell them, say, overpriced gizmos with the false promise that these gizmos will enable them to achieve spiritual transformation? By doing so, could we create a self-perpetuating system in which muggles think they’re paying to put themselves on the path to nirvana but really are enabling us to gain ever more power over them? Would people really be stupid enough to pay for the privilege of enslaving themselves? Can you really sell helplessness by calling it empowerment? Can you sell slavery by calling it freedom?

Oh wait.