Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am tingling all over

Honestly I’m sitting here backstage at Yerba Buena for our dress rehearsal and I just keep thinking about how the entire course of history is gonna change tomorrow. I feel like Napoleon taking that first step across the Rubicon. There is no turning back.

Some analyst firm says it’s just a fancy gaming device

Some freak analyst firm says they’ve been tracking mobile apps activity in the Cupertino area and have sniffed out a non-iPhone device in use here. And according to their analysis, most of what’s being done on the machine involves games. (See chart above.) Original blog post by Flurry Analytics has more info.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Paul Saffo: “Steve creates a black hole and then fills it in with stars”

Dear sweet holy baby Jesus will you please please make the insanity stop already! The above quote comes from David Carr’s column in the New York Times this morning, in which he quotes Steven Levy, John Markoff, John Gruber, some dick from Gizmodo, magician David Blaine and futurologist Paul Saffo, who in addition to the cloying quote from the headline also manages to compare Apple to North Korea which I guess means I’m like King John Ill. Nice. Thanks Paul. You and all of your pals in this story are now officially banned from Apple. Except David Blaine, who I still think is kind of cool. And Steven Levy, who had an artificial uterus sewn into his abdomen and now is carrying my love child. Any dude who does that deserves a little extra consideration.

Bill Gates, super freak

Perez Hilton is reporting that the Beastmaster was getting freaky at Sundance with the young lady in the photo above. And Perez (aka Mario Incontinentia) is acting all surprised, I guess because Bill is an elderly sourpuss geek and Perez can’t imagine that old white dudes like to bone cute girls. Yeah. Imagine that! Just shows how little Perez Hilton know about geeks. Perez no doubt figures that to be a freak you need to have purple hair and loads of shiny clothing and you need to act all outrageous in public. Truth is,┬áthe buttoned-down guys are the biggest freaks in the world. It’s all the repression. Go ask the hookers in any city where they’ve just had a Republican convention, or some kind of Promise Keepers meeting. The freak factor goes up by an order of magnitude during those weeks.

As for Bill, back in the 80s he was notorious at Comdex in Vegas for hitting on hacks and flacks alike, and he was always out there on the dance floor leaping around like a dirty weirdo. Reports back from women who dated him were either scary or hilarious, depending on your point of view and religious beliefs. Golden showers, donkey punches, the filthy Sanchez. Total nuthouse. Bill didn’t even bother trying to deny it. He told me once, Look, when you can get whatever you want, where’s the thrill? You have to go freaky because it’s the only way to get excited. You need to push the envelope.

Anyway, as it happens I was talking to Bill over the weekend.


Ikea on Apple tablet? Is this real?

No comment.

I will be live-blogging before and even during my own keynote

Subscribe to my Twitter feed, @fsjblog. I’ll be using it Wednesday morning from backstage so you can get a sense of what’s going on back there behind the curtain. I’ll bring you all the color and excitement and drama. Will Katie faint? Will Phil Schiller pee his pants again? Will there be any celebrities hanging out?

Better yet, I will also be tweeting during my own presentation. How can I do it? Well, for one thing, I don’t actually need to drive the presentation when I’m onstage. We have a backup guy backstage with his own Mac that is doing the exact same thing that mine does. When I change slides, he changes slides. If for whatever reason my machine hiccups or freezes, we switch to the backstage guy and his computer drives the screen onstage, and I just keep clicking, as if I’m doing it. Cool, right?

We practice this hand-off about a thousand times before we go onstage, until we can do it so quickly that nobody notices. Usually we don’t need it. But the great thing is that because we have this back-up in place, at any point in the keynote I can go on auto-pilot and just let my buddy backstage do the driving, and this frees me up to send tweets via an iPhone in my pocket and a mental telepathy app that we’ve developed but aren’t yet ready to share because the thought-to-text conversion is still not perfect.

So, yeah. Tune in to @fsjblog on Wednesday. It’ll be fun. Oh, and Twitter guys? Can you please get your shit together this time so that the whole system doesn’t freeze up and crash the way it usually does during a Stevenote? Thanks, dickwads.

Mosspuppet slips up, leaks secret photo of me

We just found this on his Web page. Moshe has been dispatched.

Mosspuppet reviews iSlate

Love Walt’s new track suit. Especially the little logo. Can we get T-shirts made? Also, check out the 4:00 mark where Walt describes the feature that sends a unicorn to your door with your favorite kind of pizza. That one actually may not make it into the final version.

An anxious world awaits

Check out the line that’s forming outside our store in San Francisco as of this morning. And yes, I’m freaking out a little bit and maybe even worried that we’ve raised expectations a little too high. I mean, yes, I did say recently that “This will be the most important thing I’ve ever done.” But was I talking about the slate? Or about the fact that I’m about to bone AT&T in the rump with extreme prejudice? Because honestly this AT&T thing has become ridiculous. The calls are dropping faster than Chuck Phillips’ reputation. It’s so bad that last Friday I finally gave up and sent Phil Schiller out to buy me an extra phone that I can use for making phone calls. (It’s a Samsung Smooth, runs on the Verizon network, and it’s not bad, in case you’re wondering, and I know you are.)

Anyway, I hate you, AT&T. I hate you almost as much as I hate Eric Schmidt. And that’s saying something.

But I digress. Let’s talk about this new device.


Friday, January 22, 2010

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of slavery — do not have any other gods before me

Much love to dear reader Dale, who created this marvelous piece of artwork, suitable for framing. Five days and counting before I totally blow your minds, people.

(Illustration by Dale Stephanos. Please check out his Web site which has some pretty amazing stuff.)