Monday, February 1, 2010

The iPad event took a lot out of me

Sorry for the long absence here, but that thing last week nearly killed me. Much love to everyone who reported that I was looking “feisty,” and “spry,” because, yeah. I am so fucking spry, motherfuckers. I’m a hundred and three pounds of ass-kicking ninja-fighting spry. Every morning when I leap out of bed and go out to train for that Marine Corps Marathon that I’m running in April, that’s exactly what I’m thinking. Jobso, I say to myself, you are one spry bastard.

Anyway, it’s been announced, and everyone loves it, and I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone now that we’ve totally changed the world again and that all of the other tech companies should just close their doors now because there is no way any other company can keep up with us. Now would you assholes from Gawker please get the fuck out of my way so that my bodyguards and I can race over to our mountain bikes and ride up to Marin County and enjoy a huge healthy lunch at Sushi Ran? Thank you.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Engadget gets sneak pix

Wired re-reports them here. Oh, and the doofus from McGraw-Hill blabbed about it yesterday. Goddamn we have been leaky on this one. We’re doing a total M&M on this first thing tomorrow, with Moshe’s people and everyone involved in the project. We can and must do better than this, people.

Mossberg down!

We’ve just received word that Walt Mossberg has collapsed on the sidewalk outside Yerba Buena. That’s all we have at the moment. One minute he was standing there doing a monologue about the tablet and raving about how amazing it is and not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise — and then bam. He went down. Katie B. (in photo with Walt) has called for an ambulance. Kara Swisher immediately posted the news and then began monitoring other blogs to make sure they credit her with the scoop.

Just remembered the bad dream I had last night

Jeff Bezos was chasing me around with a Kindle, trying to kill me with it. That’s all I remember. But just for the record, our device is not about killing Kindle. I mean, yes, that is going to happen. But the Kindle is just sort of collateral damage. Anyway, Jeff Bezos, I’m putting you on notice — stop haunting my dreams.

Prepare for the backlash

Because there is going to be one, trust me. This device isn’t as obvious as iPhone. It’s kind of subtle. Which means that those of you who have done the spiritual work to prepare for it will be fine, but those who haven’t done the work, well, they’re probably going to miss a lot of this at first. So you’ll see some noise about who needs this thing, it’s just a fancy desk ornament, and so on. I am telling you this now so that you can be ready for the harsh voices and they won’t hurt you when you hear them. Just let the negativity pass by you. Do not engage with it or try to fight it or argue with it. Step aside, and let the dark energy flow away.

Peace, enlightened beings. This is what you and I were put on earth to achieve. And that is what this device ultimately is about. Yes, you can read on it, and watch movies. But those are functions. Features. Those aren’t its purpose. The purpose of a device is something different altogether. What this is about is bringing people together to form the universal One, the great synchronization of human vibration in a global mesh of energy, like the planet in Avatar. That is the real goal. We are all one person. One spirit. I am inside you, and you are inside me. (Not really.) But anyway, do not allow yourselves to forget the higher purpose of what we are doing.

Oh, and we are totally going to fuck the cable carriers. But that too is just a side issue.

Armored convoy has left Cupertino

Just got word that a convoy of four armored SUVs has left campus. Three of the cars contain dummy prototypes, and one contains the real deal — two actual tablets, the first ones that have ever been released into the wild. Moshe (at left, holding rifle) assures me everything went smoothly. Snipers are in position on rooftops around Yerba Buena, and the building is being swept again this morning.

I’m already up in the city. I stayed here last night with my entourage — Kuso Sukatoro, my colonicist; Jennie Falcone, my spiritual advisor; BreezeAnne, my house manager; Ja’Red; Akira, my chef; and my Pilates instructor, Michael Peterson. We’ve got the top floor at an undisclosed location, and I made a point of going to bed early. But honestly, I couldn’t sleep. Which is okay. I feel fine. Better than fine. I feel alive. Someone just brought me a mango smoothie and I’m just so here, you know? Totally living in the present. Just here in the moment. Peace to all living things. Prepare to have the world as you know it utterly changed forever.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Obama will use tablet in State of the Union address

Tablet could create jobs, spur the economy, pass health care, and defeat the Republicans Al Qaeda. That’s what we’re hearing from Rahm’s people, anyway.

Coverage update: I will be live blogging here rather than on Twitter

Look, I’m not saying it’s because the frigtards who run Twitter probably won’t be able to handle the load tomorrow and the whole system is going to crash. But let’s just say I wouldn’t bet against that scenario, either. I mean look at these guys. Birdman and Baldy, we call them. As Larry says, these guys couldn’t find their own assholes using two hands and a flashlight. You really want to rely on them for something important? I wouldn’t rely on them to wash my car.

Anyway, I will put up a live blog post tomorrow morning, and use that to keep you informed before and even during my own keynote.

Based on the energy backstage here today, I’d say tomorrow is going to be off the charts.

I think I’m starting to get off on the blotter

Again, by art director Jason. Much love, JayMan.

Crowd is getting rowdy

Seriously, I’ve always wondered what happened to these guys. If anyone knows, please let me know. Better yet, if you have pictures of what they look like today, send them in. Free fake tablet to anyone who sends in photos that can be verified. Bonus prize of a free fake Verizon iPhone if you can get these two guys to stand next to each other and pose just like this.

(Art work by Art Director Jason.)