Monday, November 30, 2009

Happy St. Andrews Day (or how to land a husband)

Today is a sacred holiday of my people and our womenfolk have had some very strange ways of trying to land a provider in the past, in relation to this day. Don’t ask me where or how these ideas arose. Personally, I think back in the day, their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand spinster aunty ate some moldy lysergic communion bread (there was a lot unintentional tripping in those days, made it easier for the church to weave its magic and control the populace) and passed on these hallucinations to their nieces and everything grew organically from there until, like, Galileo re-invented science or “the new magic” and women started landing husbands by making themselves more attractive, which is a very subjective thing even today – I oughta’ know, I read the personals columns in Craigslist, it’s funny, kinda’ sad and pathetic, too.

You know how my womenfolk do it today? They value themselves first and don’t pay any mind to anybody who doesn’t value them the same. They are all hot, they know exactly what they want and get it and they do not settle for assholes nor schmoes. Sure, some get divorced, but they get back on that horse and land another prizewinner.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to turn this into an app for the iPhone. We’re calling it the iMate™. Clever, eh? Once we get the bugs worked out, and clear the approval process, it’ll be a guaranteed hit, at least for six months, then an upgrade aimed at all those over-anxious-over-35 crowd who haven’t hooked up in awhile. We’ll call it iPurr™ or iCougar™, or something like that. How much would you pay for an app that could land you a potential mate or at least a roll in the hay?

Call me!