Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A cool Palm Pre commercial

Now why couldn’t they have done this first? The question remains, will this be enough to start moving all those Pres and Pixies?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Crapazon K-Marts PalmPre & Pixie

Uh-oh. It’s not even Black Friday yet, and somebody blinked. Crapazon slashed prices on both the Pre and Pixie handset w/ two-year contract.
Hey Ruby, word of advice.
Stop jailbreaking ITMS , why doncha’ build your own freakin’ media store or partner with Crapazon or Crhapsody? Ever hear of Psystar? Didn’t work out using Apple products illegally for them too well, did it?lonelyphone

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Palm Pre murdered, film at eleven

Want to know what happens when a Palm Pre gets drunk?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Oh Palm, you warm my evil heart

Really, Palm, you make it too easy for us. I mean, I almost feel bad about the way we keep beating you like circus monkeys. Almost.

Then again, you do kind of deserve it, at least according to Engadget, which reports that you can’t even run a simple app store and had to shut it down because frigtards figured out a way to trick the system into distributing paid apps for free. Nice work, guys. Really. Keep it up.

Much love to Matt for the tip.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tie up those anchors, and maybe they’ll swim

Palm teams up with the Amazon MP3 store. Aw, that’s sweet. I’m sure that, together, they’ll be a powerhouse.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Freetard developer argues with Palm, and frankly I’m not sure which one to hate most

The good news is that Palm’s App Store is a mess, and it’s run by idiots, and the third-party freaks are giving Palm just as much grief as they’re giving us. Yay.

I have to tell you, as much as I love having billions of app downloads on our App Store and tens of thousands of apps available, dealing with these little dickwads is a huge headache and the 30% of revenues that we skim from them doesn’t begin to make up for the hassles they deliver. Luckily we’re big enough and nasty enough to handle these buffoons. That’s not the case for Palm, however. They need to be nice to these douchebags. Sadly, nobody has told them that — they think they’re a miniature version of Apple. So naturally they are running roughshod over their developers. Check out the “Kafka-esque nightmare” that this guy has endured in trying to get his free application distributed via Palm’s store. But see also if you don’t agree with me that after you read this guy’s complaint, he’s the one who comes out looking like the idiot. Frankly, we wouldn’t waste five minutes on him. But Palm has been going around and around with him for weeks.

Basically the guy’s got sand up in his pussy because the old PalmOS environment used to be a total free-for-all, but now Ruby (aka Mini Steve) is imposing some Apple-style command-and-control top-down discipline on these buffoons and amateurs. Oh, and they required him to have a PayPal account, and that’s a deal breaker for him because he’s afraid that if PayPal has his credit card number on file the government will be able to find him on the grid and they’ll start beaming messages into his house again and controlling his thoughts and he’ll have to move back down into the basement and line the walls with tinfoil again and never go outside. Or something.

Anyway, Ruby, congratulations. I’m really happy for you. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Palm gives up on iTunes synchronization

John Paczkowski at AllThingsD notes that the latest OS release from Palm is missing something — the ability to hack into iTunes and pretend that a Pre is actually an Apple device. JP says either Palm couldn’t figure out how to keep hacking us, or they got scared after the USB police bitch-slapped them.  Actually, it’s neither.

Truth is, Palm knew all along that they were in the wrong. Ruby talked to me about it, and told me they were going to do it, and I told him we’d block them and that eventually he’d have to drop it, and he was like, Yeah, so? See, with Palm it’s all about the buzz. It’s kind of sad, really. Because all those people worked at Apple, and all the learned, during all that time, was that “Apple is really good at marketing.” We are, but good marketing only works if you have good products. Must run — Katie is here with my chocolate milk shake. You can’t imagine how many of these goddamn things I have to eat every day. I’m living Peter Oppenheimer’s dream here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Oh snap! Tattletale Palm gets bitch-slapped for snitching

Remember when Palm thought they were all clever by hacking into iTunes so that iTunes would think a Pre was an Apple device? And we blocked them? And they went running off to some USB industry association with a complaint about us stifling competiton? Well, it backfired on them.

That’s right. The USB police have ruled that a) Apple did nothing wrong when it blocked Palm’s hacker attack on iTunes; and b) Palm, in fact, did something wrong by using our vendor ID to hack into our software. Yay! John Paczkowski of AllThingsD has the whole story and can barely contain his glee. Yes, Palm, the hacks are laughing at you. Laughing at your smack talk, and bluster, and your lame attempts to be as cool as Apple, at your weird efforts to turn Ruby into Steve Jr. — yes the hacks are laughing, and so is Katie, who just sent me the link to Paczkowski’s article in an email that said only this: Mwahahahahahaha…

Oh Palm, I warned you about this when you started stealing our employees. I warned you that I would not only kill you, but I would take pleasure in it, and delight in it, like some nutcase Bond villain putting people into a tank full of piranha. Yes, I’m enjoying watching you flail and fail. Yes! I’m loving every minute of it. Sooner or later your Pre unit sales number is going to leak out, and then we will all be laughing again. Yes! Like this! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Palm Pre sales "dramatically below target"

See here. Sorry, Ruby.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Where did Palm get that woman for their Pre commercials?

At last the truth can be revealed. Much love to Ryder for spotting this.