Thursday, May 15, 2008

My lawyers are freaking out

Just got a nervous call from my lawyers who said they wanted to give me a “heads up” about a “situation” at Broadcom. See more about it here. Basically the feds are going after some Broadcom execs over some options backdating stuff. I’m like, So what? I don’t work at Broadcom. They’re like, Um, well, see, Broadcom did its own internal investigation and already cleared these guys, and the SEC isn’t buying it apparently, and though the company itself has already settled the whole thing the SEC is still going after the executives as individuals. Now you do you see? Is this ringing any bells?

I’m like, No, not at all. I don’t hear any bells. I’m sorry.

They go, Steve, your former CFO at Pixar is getting hassled over options backdating. And your former general counsel at Apple is going to trial too. Still not setting off any alarms over there?

I’m like, Nope. No alarms. Just working on my super tasty new iPhone, but thanks for the call. Now I gotta go, my signal is breaking up, I’m going into a tunnel, I think I’m losing you, can you hear me? Can you? I can’t hear you. Losing you. Okay. I’ll call you back. Bye.

FWIW, if you’d like to get the best account of what went on at Apple during the options backdating crisis and how we managed the crisis, I highly recommend this book.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Much love, former Pixar CFO whose name I can’t quite remember anymore

So the feds are still walking around trying to bust people over this options backdating stuff but so far they’re just focusing their energy on random underlings like some woman who used to be CFO of Pixar. Peter Oppenheimer just came in to tell me about it. I was like, Who? What’s her name? Honestly, I don’t remember ever working with anyone by that name, or ever telling that person how to dish out options or what date to put on them. I just don’t. No recollection. Complete blank. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Fortune runs their hatchet job on me. Yawn.

So this big shot reporter at Fortune magazine, Peter Elkind, has spent the past year doing his Captain Ahab impersonation, chasing the Great White Whale that is El Jobso. Seriously, the dude had a major hard-on for me and was determined to do what the SEC and U.S. Attorney had failed to do, which was to bust my ass over the options backdating thing. Elkind is the guy who did the big Enron article for Fortune and the subsequent book. He figured I was going to be Ken Lay Jr. or something.

This story has been cooking for months. We first heard about it last June and immediately threatened to go dark on Fortune unless they relented.

Then at Thanksgiving we learned the story had been spiked because Elkind couldn’t connect the dots that would bring home the bacon and reveal the smoking gun. Or something.

Well now for some reason they decided to revive the stupid thing and if you can bear to read it, go here. Just as we’d heard last fall — he ain’t got nothing. Okay, I’m a tough guy to work for. I’m kind of a dick. I’ve got a temper. Maybe some people suggested that maybe I did have something to do with the options backdating at Apple and Pixar. And yeah, as he reports, “The SEC and the Justice Department are still investigating backdating at Apple and Pixar.” Big deal. Trust me, kids. There’s nothing to worry about.

The ultimate irony is that while Fortune commissioned this story as their big huge takedown of the Jobsmeister, in the end they had to run this Elkind story as a companion to their “Most Admired Companies” list — where Apple is #1. Yeah. It’s like dat y’all.

Dear Peter Elkind: Siooma, frigtard. Better luck next time.

Dear Time-Warner: If you’re hoping we’re going to overlook this or forget about it, um, you’re smoking crack. You know the rules, assholes. And you broke them. Payback’s a bitch and you’re about to find that out.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Much love, iJustine and other girl who is not iJustine

Check out this video of iJustine camping out overnight to be first in the door at Macworld. She and her hot friend are reading my book and laughing their incredibly sweet asses off. Much love, ladies. Sorry I did not have a chance to see you in person during the show. I had a very nice penthouse suite at the W with gorgeous white robes made of incredibly soft Egyptian cotton. That’s right. Robes. Always in fashion.

By the way, little bit of trivia about this video. Maybe you’re wondering why there’s nobody else in line? Well, the ladies were actually camped out outside the wrong door. The line was forming on the other side of the building. Perfect, right?

To see the original version of this, go to iJustine’s page.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Much love, TUAW

For putting my novel, Options, on your holiday gift list. Yes, dear readers, it’s more shameless self-promotion. Or “viral marketing” as we call it in the Valley.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Much love, law professor Larry Ribstein

So look, before you do the knee-jerk comment about how I’ve crossed the line into shameless self-promotion for my book, “Options,” let me say it for you: This post amounts to shameless self-promotion for my book, “Options.” Okay? Am I buggin ya? I don’t mean to bug ya. But if I am, accept my apology, skip this item and wait for the next one. Otherwise, read on. Turns out my book was recently read by an online book group made up of law professors. These guys have an interesting take on the material because the main thrust of the book involves Apple’s attempts to deal with the SEC investigation into its accounting. And while the humor in the novel is very, very broad, the law profs understood that there’s also something serious being tackled in the book, albeit in a satirical way.

So I was gratified to read this blog post by law professor Larry Ribstein, who enjoyed “Options” and says my protagonist reminds him of Tony Soprano and that my novel touches on a subject he raised a few years ago in a scholarly paper where he discussed the notion that some modern-day CEOs are “Machiavellian, narcissistic, prevaricating, pathologically optimistic, free from self-doubt and moral distractions, willing to take great risk as the company moves up and to lie when things turn bad, and nurtured by a corporate culture that instills loyalty to insiders, obsession with short-term stock price, and intense distrust of outsiders.” (Those are his words, not mine.)

As I think other people who’ve published books will attest, it’s really a strange but gratifying experience to put something out into the world and see how people respond to it, especially because often they respond in ways that you would never have imagined. As soon as it leaves your hands the book takes on a life of its own. It means different things to different people. It’s very cool to see that happen. Much love, Larry Ribstein. Namaste. I bow to you.

And just FYI, the book is still available in fine stores everywhere. Click on the link in the right sidebar and you can snap it up on Amazon for a mere fifteen dollars.