This is such classic Scooter behavior. Whatever Gates does, Scooter has to do it too. So now that the Beastmaster and I are in all the papers for making our historic appearance at the D conference last night, McNealy decides to do a rare joint appearance with Linus Torvalds, his supposed arch-enemy, where they can discuss the future of the industry and how they see things taking shape, blah blah blah. Scooter begged Walt to let them do this at the D show but Goatberg refused (yeah, the Sun guys are that relevant) so the Sun guys created their own conference and got MaryMaryQuiteContrary aka Java Gal to ask all the questions. Scott’s big prediction? “Solaris on SPARC is going to make a huge comeback. StarOffice rocks!” Torvalds’ prediction: “I will never do this again.”

Look at him. Poor bastard. On Friday night he was trying to sneak into our Apple store and get a MacBook Pro so he could see what a real computer looks like. Before he could get there he was taken down by the brain-eating zombies who were on the loose in Union Square. Ugly stuff. For more pix see this page. My favorite in the photo gallery is the one of the drag queen (I think) zombie who had the presence of mind to remember to wear a hip pack. Cool thing about San Francisco is that a couple hundred zombies can invade Union Square and most people don’t even notice. Looks pretty much like any SOMA club on a Friday night. Or the Halloween party in the Castro. Or a management meeting at Yelp.

Word on Scooter is that he’s critical but stable condition at UCSF Medical Center. He’s lost part of his brain but docs say it’s not likely anyone will notice.

Dudes, I’m still sort of madly in love with Tiffany, aka Bike Helmet Girl, the girl with the golden glutes (center dancer in photo above), and though my feelings are unrequited I’m still going to promote her upcoming dance show — she’s asked me to attend, and invites any FSJ readers too. I will definitely be there. I’ll be wearing a disguise, but will introduce myself to anyone who wears some kind of FSJ badge or T-shirt. (Also, FWIW, the robot on the right side of the photo is being played by Scott McNealy.) For info & tickets click here.

Just to refresh everyone’s memory, and to clue in some of the newbies, BHG is one of the original Yelptards (look it up under labels). To see some of the original hot pix of Bike Helmet Girl dancing in her underwear at a Yelptard party, see this and this on the flickr page of Mitchell “Maximum Mitch” Aidelbaum, ace photographer. Yeah. Now you see why I’m in love with her.

UPDATE: No idea why this first went up with comments not allowed. I think one of the interns here at FSJ Central is still coming up to speed. Or was coming up to speed. He’s gone now. Peace out.

Okay it’s not yet Tuesday but I’m loading this now cause I gotta be out of the office getting grilled by more lawyers tomorrow. Goddamn I hate lawyers! I would rather use Windows than sit through another day of this torture. Well, not really. But it’s close, I swear. Anyhoo. Here’s a shot of Scooter that one of our engineers snapped when he was on vacation recently. Poor McNealy has really let himself go since they pushed him out of Sun. You provide the voice balloons. Free fake deposition transcript to the winner(s).

My sources tell me that on Friday after the “leak” broke on the GooTube talks, Scooter began frantically making calls to Sun’s bankers wanting to know why Sun wasn’t competing for YouTube. Bankers informed him that Sun doesn’t have enough money. “We’re looking for someone to buy us, remember?” is how one guy put it. McNealy, undeterred, insisted that by buying YouTube, Sun could make itself a more attractive acquisition target. Bankers informed him that it’s not like buying condos in East Palo Alto and flipping them, there’s a little more to it than that. No matter. McNealy started calling around trying to get Chad Hurley’s cell phone number so he could talk to him directly. Schmidt got wind of this and called Scooter and was like, Dude, what the frig are you thinking? McNealy goes, Look, we put the dot in dotcom. Squirrel Boy goes, Scott, that was like a lifetime ago. Scott goes, That was only six friggin years ago. Eric goes, Wow. You’re right. Six years. Jesus, Scooter, you really drove that baby off a cliff, didn’t you? McNealy barges on saying he wants to compete for YouTube. Schmidt put McNealy on speakerphone so that all the lawyers and bankers in the room could hear him ranting. They all burst out laughing. McNealy said “Frig you guys” and hung up.

BTW, the photo up above is a recent “Scott Spotting” entrant sent in from one of our Apple guys. Turns out his little sister is taking a typing course at the community college in Aptos, and guess who’s in there learning how to type? Scooter told the instructor he’d spent years having his secretary print out his emails and then dictating his responses for her to type up. But now that he’s on the job market again he figures he’d better learn how to do it himself. He’s up to thirty words a minute with only fifteen mistakes, on days when he’s sober. Said he’s signed up for an AOL account, and he’s created a MySpace page. Worse yet, apparently he’s hitting on everything that moves, including the instructor, and he’s still using the “I know Bill Gates” line, or if the girls are younger, he says, “I know the Google guys.” As our employee’s little sister (a target of a Scooter bombing) put it: “Ew.”

This just rolled in from an engineer at Xilinx who asks that I withhold his name.

Dear Steve, Our paintball team was at Bear Creek paintball on Route 17 in Los Gatos last weekend and we were short one guy. The owner says there’s some dude out in the parking lot by himself who’s looking to join a team for the day. We said okay and in walks this nutjob dressed like a commando and talking gung-ho military, saying “ten-four” and “roger that” and “Charlie’s got us pinned down! Where’s my friggin air support?” So we figure he’s some kind of crazy ass Nam vet but whatever, he bagged more dudes by himself than all of us together, and we totally fragged the dudes from Altera, who usually kill us. So then we’re all wondering, who the hell is this masked man? He’s just sitting there cleaning his gun (yeah, he brings his own weapon, which one of our guys says is some kind of super-expensive gun made in the Czech Republic) and muttering about Bill Gates. Then as we’re out in the parking lot getting ready to go for beers, he pulls up in his Hummer, whips off his mask, and yeah, it’s McNealy. He gives us the finger and takes off, spraying dirt all over us. Guy is flat-out nuts, I swear. But as I said, he did put a lot of kills on the board.

Lot of people writing in to ask what happened to the big merger. Those of you who are hardcore Apple watchers will recall that 10 years ago Sun was supposed to buy us. This was back when we were really hurting and almost going out of business. Scott made all sorts of promises and then the night before we were going to close the deal he canceled — just left us standing at the altar. So we’ve been waiting for some payback, and now we’ve got it. Monday night we rented a suite at the Four Seasons in Palo Alto and had him wait there. Meeting was set for 9 and we were going to sign the papers. Then I just hung out in the Jobs Pod and kept having people call telling him I’m running late. Meanwhile we’ve got his suite bugged, which affords us the enormous treat of watching him get more and more pissed off as the hours roll by. Finally it gets to be one in the morning and I’m still supposedly running late, can’t get there for another hour. So here’s the treat. He slams down the phone, then orders up some in-room porn and does what people do with in-room porn. We wait till he’s done and then I call and go, Hey, you know, Scott, I’ve been looking at the financials again, and we just think this isn’t going to work. I’m sorry. Of course he starts screaming and calling me a loser. I’m like, Hello, I’m a loser? Who’s sitting there spanking his monkey in a hotel room? And hey, a little word of advice? I’d throw out that Sears blazer. Yeah. Check it out. You got some man gravy on it. Peace out, schmuck.

Yipes. This just came in from ace photographer Mitchell Aidelbaum who says he studies karate at a dojo in Atherton where McNealy started going recently. According to Mitchell Aidelbaum this was Scott’s third lesson and he started going on about how no karate dude could survive in a hockey fight, and he started taunting the mustache dude, saying, Come on, I’m a friggin hockey player, so don’t be a pussy, go ahead and hit me, no I mean really try to hit me, okay? What are you, a chick or something? You know you look gay with that mustache, right? Are you gay? No problem if you are but don’t try any funny holds on me, okay sweetheart? You must be gay, seriously. You look just like Tom Selleck. Oh, did that piss you off? Did it? Well come on then. You know I’m from Detroit, right? Come on, Nancy boy. Let’s see what you’ve got. I mean it. No, seriously, really come at me, just give me — ooomph.

According to Mitchell Aidelbaum:

McNealy was only unconscious for about fifteen to twenty minutes. But one of us had to drive him home. He hasn’t come back since.

This one just hit my inbox:

“So me and some of my friends from Google were at the Old Pro on El Camino Real in PA, having drinks and McNealy spots my bud’s T-shirt and comes over and he’s like, Hey, you’re a Unix head, right? You know how I know that? Can you guess? He’s all trying to be cool and impress us and we go yeah, yeah, we know who you are, blah, blah. So apparently he’s there by himself and he asks if he can join us and “talk shop,” and he starts asking us if we use Sun boxes and talking all this smack about IBM and HP and we’re like, whatever, screwball, who gives a shit about IBM and HP, we all use Linux, have you heard of it?

“Anyway, he kept buying us drinks so we let him hang around, but by like the zillionth Bill Joy story we all started taking bets as to which one of us would blow our brains out first. We actually considered sneaking away, like pretending to go to the men’s room and then climbing out the window. Turns out they’ve got bars over the window. Finally we managed to escape by inventing this story about having to go back to work. He got kinda sad when we said that. Almost felt bad for the guy. Almost. So we took this photo as a memento and promised him we’d email him a copy. Check out the look on my friend Jim’s face here. Like, “Please, Scott, you have old man smell okay? Stop touching me. Really.” Love your stuff, dude. Keep it up.”

Just found this in my email. Hans-Olaf Gutmansdottir aka Hog is in town from Iceland for Linux World and sent this photo of Scott McNealy getting jumped by a bunch of Debian developers outside the Tosca Cafe in North Beach last night. Hog says McNealy was mouthing off about how the attendance was way down at the Linux show and how the Linux freaks can’t even afford decent booth bimbos and how Open Solaris is gonna kill Linux in its crib. Hog writes: Please note Steve that just out of visible in the dark background that is unfortunately beyond powir of my flash you can almost recognize are Bruce Perens and Richard Stallman, that stayed back a few feet and did not kick McNealy but were urging on the attackirs.

Citizen journalism at its finest. Thanks, Hog. And Scott, as I’ve told you before, don’t mess with the FOSS lunatics. They’re nuts. Seriously.