Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hate mail

A reader named Michael [LAST NAME EDITED] ([EMAIL EDITED]) writes in to say:

Greets.. sometimes I joke around with my friends. If I come up with something good, I may pass it on, but rarely. But making a blog out of whatever pops into your head unedited is a waste of bandwidth. Please show this stuff to someone, then edit it, then rewrite it before you hit upload.


I’m sure Michael would love to receive email from anyone who has ideas on how to conserve bandwidth. Please feel free.

UPDATE: An anonymous poster points out that I’m a dick for putting up this guy’s name and email address in my original post. You know what? I agree. I was a dick. I’m sorry. Michael, in the spirit of namaste, I beg your forgiveness. Also, I will take your criticism to heart and stop re-editing these posts over and over. I wasn’t aware that it’s such a pain in the ass for readers to deal with posts that keep changing. What can I say? I’m pretty self-centered. Your point is a good one. You are good, and I am bad. FSJ deeply regrets any pain this has caused you. And readers, please stop writing to this guy. Bokay?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Hate mail

This just came in via email from a guy named Stits. I’m just so upset. Negativity really upsets me. But I have to share it with you so you can see the kind of abuse that a celebrity CEO must endure, even while trying to walk the razor’s edge and create beautiful objects that restore a sense of childlike wonder to the world.

Hi Steve, long time fan of you and Apple but I’m a little ticked. I think this whole iPhone fucktastic media push has forced you to neglect us loyal professionals and academics who love out Macs. Frankly ordering a laptop and have to wait a whole god dammed month for it to ship is proof of it. Never hear people complaining about having to wait for a dell over a hard drive upgrade do you?

Anyway, that’s my little bit of constructive criticism. Hope it helps. Also I should mention in closing that I own a few shares of stock so I was torn about even writing this letter. I still think you’re the best man to run apple I just with you would remember that the universe isn’t revolving around “i” products. It’s still all about the computers. In reality all this stuff is an accessory.

Hope this helps, Stits.

You hope this helps? How on earth does this help? You know what would help? What would help would be if you would go buy a Dell and leave me alone.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Does anyone in Eastern Europe know how to reach Prince Toto Bouba?

Naturally I’m getting bombarded with email requests from people who know me (and people who don’t) asking for an iPhone. Everyone in Hollywood has had their assistants calling up to make inquiries. Paris Hilton’s people offered to have her carry one when she left jail, and flash it so that the paparazzi could see it. (We declined, politely.) Meanwhile I just got this letter from Prince Toto Bouba of Angola. He’s a little vague, in the way royalty people usually are. They’ll never come straight out and ask you for something. (You should see the letters from Wills and Harry. The spelling mistakes; the loopy, childish handwriting — God they remind me of their mother.) Anyway, I’m pretty sure Toto Bouba is the dude I met at Cannes a few months ago when I was partying with Bono and Graydon Carter. He seems to want an iPhone and I’ll send him one if I can get his address. I guess he just assumes that everyone knows how to send mail to a prince. Or maybe it’s bad form for royalty to put their return address in a letter or something. Ja’Red is trying to find it but he also says he’s never heard of Toto Bouba and that as far as he knows Angola stopped having royalty after the collapse of the Austro-Hungarian Empire or maybe it was the Hapsburgs, he’s not sure. If any of you know how to reach Prince Toto Bouba, let me know. Or Toto, if you’re reading this, send in your address. Here’s the letter:


My name Prince Toto Bouba I am from Luanda Norte in the Central district of Angola. I am contacting you for partnership in a very confidential financial transaction that involves the transfer and receivership of some deposit.

This deposit came from private mining of diamond in our region which represent the major deposit of diamonds in my country. Coupled with the rebels activities which are sponsored by illegitimate sales of diamonds to foreign companies.

Presently the Government forces are occupying our regions which has forced us the locals out of the country in search of lucrative business outside our shores for investment purposes. Your immediate response will be appreciated as time is of essence. Details will be given to you when you respond. Please include your direct phone number.


Toto Bouba

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Hate mail

I was most disgusted by your post on the opening of a shop in Lisbon. What the hell are you talking about reading lebanese and country in the middle east, are you dumb??????? Portugal is the western country on European union and the oldest nation in the world with the same territory borders for almost nine centuries, we discovered Brasil, India, Angola, Mozambique and other places while the world was still living in oblivion. We speak Portuguese and we are proud we are not a middle eastern country.

Marco, I apologize quite deeply. I never meant to suggest that Portuguese people aren’t clever, because clearly they are.

From the mailbox

My dearest Steve,

I’m writing you this to tell you the story of my Mac G5.

I walk into work yesterday morning (I work at ARS E-commerce in Chattanooga, TN) only to find one of my many bosses Tony sitting down outside. Tony looks at me and says “i’ve got bad news your computer is ruined” I thought he was full of shit but sure enough I walk into the room that i work in and everything was soaked. A sprinkler pipe had busted sometime in the night and soaked the entire room. The desks were covered in water. The keyboards were full of water. The pipe had busted directly above my desk so sure enough my Mac G5 that i cherished so much was pretty much under a gigantic waterfall of madness and water all night long. I pouted all morning long. It was surreal but shit happens. Sure enough though a few hours later Tony walks back up to me and says “Your computer booted right up. It works fine.” HA! It survived! I couldn’t believe it! All night long water pouring on it drenching it in dirty water and it just booted right up like nothing had happened!

So hat’s off to you Steve Jobs. Just thought you’d like to hear how much Mac’s kick ass!


(Name withheld)