Thursday, October 22, 2009

Middle East kids make demands known

It ain’t a low-cost desktop-laptop-netbook combo from HP. Sorry.

Win7 reax: Middle East erupts in violence

What can I tell you? The kids want Macs. And really, who can blame them.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

PC bigot Joe Wilcox sees right through us

Yes, we rolled out a bunch of sexy new Macs right in front of the Windows 7 launch. Yes, we are a bunch of mean, spiteful bastards. It’s called competition, bitches. Have you heard of it?

Poor Joe. He loves the Borg, and it breaks his wittle heart that crappy cheapo netbooks are cannibalizing sales of expensive PCs and basically ruining the Windows market. And to make things worse, big bad Apple launches a “preemptive strike” against not just Microsoft and Windows 7 but “the entire PC industry.” Yes, Joe says we’ve “declared war on the entire PC industry.”

Really? I thought we were just out here trying to make the best products we could make at the best possible price. I thought we were just trying to compete. If the Borg and its partners are having problems, why blame us? As Joe points out, they’re the ones who have built too many PCs for the fourth quarter and now have stuffed the channel and will be suffering the horrible backwash of bile when those things don’t go flying off the shelves and instead have to be sold off at a loss. Why is their acid reflux somehow Apple’s fault? And what would you have us do? Fold up our tent and leave the market, so the frigtarded Windows OEMs could keep foisting their crap products onto the world?

Here’s Joe’s kicker:

To win, Apple just needs to make more money off lower volumes. Apple doesn’t need to gobble up market share. A few points of share here or there are huge to Apple but losses to Macs have little impact on PC OEMs. It’s an unfair battle in some ways, because the PC industry isn’t fighting Macs but a civil war of Windows old against Windows new. Sadly, netbooks will scorch the earth behind every sale.

Boo fucking hoo, idiots.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Yay! We are closing in on 10 percent market share!

In the United States, according to IDC. And it’s not just because the Borg has sucked so bad lately. Money quote:

The natural assumption, of course, is that Apple’s gain has been the result of a PC market that has been in a lull as it awaits the release of Microsoft’s Windows 7 later this month. But Loren Loverde of IDC tells CNET that Windows 7 isn’t expected to be a big driver of fourth-quarter growth.

You can check out the CNET article here. Tim Cook (photo) is already celebrating.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Katie did a bang-up job on this new BusinessWeek article

Folks I am so proud of Katie Cotton (photo) right now. Please go read the wonderful BusinessWeek cover story she just wrote about how our computers are totally winning over corporate customers. Yes, the story carries the byline of someone named Peter Burrows. But it’s pretty much word-for-word the same draft that Katie sent to them. They even used her title: “The Mac in the Gray Flannel Suit.” Mentions Juniper Networks, Google, IBM, Cisco. Mentions how iPhone is pulling us into corporate shops, and how Vista’s frigtardedness has created an opportunity for us and how even if you want Windows you can have it on a Mac now and it’s no big deal and we even run Intel processors and all the kids coming out of college today want Macs, not Windows. Mentions how the one thing working against us is that corporate IT guys are lazy fuckers who don’t want to support a new machine because they’re trying to do as little as possible and they don’t give a shit about what end users want. “Their job is not to be paged.” Oh really? Just wait till your CEO reads that, you IT morons.

Anyway, great work, Katie. We’re all really proud of you. And much love, BusinessWeek. Namaste. I honor the place where my PR message and your print columns become one.

UPDATE: FWIW we’re supposedly about to get a big order from which is dumping Windows for Macs. See this randon blog post based on an anonymous source. I know what you’re wondering and yes, Katie wrote this one too.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Beastmaster, I have made you my bitch

So Microsoft just put out their numbers and they suck. And I’ve seen some handwringing about how this must mean the economy is having problems but come on. We know what’s having problems. It’s Vista. And they’re not going to have their next version until 2010, and that’s according to the Borg itself. Reality is probaby worse.

But let’s assume they’re right. That means we have two friggin years to keep smoking their weed and stealing their customers. As for that big economic slowdown, you may have noticed that it doesn’t seem to be hurting us. Our earnings were up 36%, mostly thanks to Mac sales that are just going crazy. This Windows stumble by the Borg could not have happened at a better time for us, and we are totally capitalizing on it. David Kirkpatrick of Fortune says Apple is “one of the healthiest tech companies I have ever seen.”

Namaste, Beastmaster and Fester. I honor the place where your frigtarded engineers and my robust earnings become one.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Yes, we got pwned. This means nothing.

Much love to the thousands of Apple faithful who’ve flooded my inbox with messages about this “Pwn to Own” contest where the Mac was the first machine to fall, with the Vista box next and the Linux box apparently surviving unscathed. Okay. Fair enough. We got pwned. First of all the contest was totally rigged and unfair for all sorts of reasons which I won’t even bother to go into here. The fact is that Macs are by far the safest, most bulletproof machines on the planet, and that’s been proven over and over again.

Anyway I urge you to check out this story and see what kind of computers the winning hackers use, and where they’re planning to spend their money. Money quote: “I like Macs. I use Macs for everything.” And what will he do with his $10,000 prize money? He’ll buy more Macs. “I think Apple will get a large chunk of that money.”

Nuff said, right?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Holy crap, we’re doing even better than I thought

Apparently our Mac sales were up 60% in February, and that’s in terms of units. In dollars, we were up 66%. I’ve been so distracted by the Democratic primary and by this bad business in Tibet (more on that soon) that I hadn’t even noticed. Wow. Truly we are en fuego.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Some British soccer team uses Macs and everyone wants me to know

Man oh man. I can’t tell you how many Brits have sent over this photo of some coaches (shurely “ex-convicts”? ed.) from some soccer team in Wales using Macs which apparently are credited with helping them beat the French in some “Six Nations Rugby Championship.” Whatever. I’ve never understood any of these weird sports. Why, for example, can’t they just call it “soccer” like everyone else? And where in England is Wales? Anyhoo, congratulations dudes from Wales football team. Namaste. I honor the place where my computers and your mindless, graceless headbanging sport become one.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

New MacBook priced better than Dell. No kidding.

Some Wall Street dudes ran the numbers and even made a chart. We’re at $1,099. The comparable machine from Dell costs $1,119. And it comes with Vista Home Premium.

Can someone please tell me why we don’t have 90% market share? Or at least, like, 50%? Anyone? Bueller?