Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Larry gets blamed for everything

Now look. Andrew Ross Sorkin is far and away the smartest writer on economics at work today, but his article in today’s New York Times blaming Larry for all the hostility in the Valley is a bit over the top. Specifically, Andrew says Larry’s attacks on Peoplesoft set the stage for Microsoft to make an attack on Yahoo. Poor Larry gets blamed for everything. Last year it was the Hep-C outbreak at Stanford. So I guess this one isn’t so bad after all.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Larry just flew to France in a panic

Happened right after he saw this story.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Andrew Young says Bill Clinton is black because he’s slept with lots of black women. Larry says in that case, he’s Asian.

So apparently this is a true story. Andrew Young actually said that Bill Clinton is black and that this is the case because Bill has bedded a great number of African-American women. Bob Herbert column from the New York Times cited this comment in his column (see it here). The actual quote: “Bill is every bit as black as Barack. He’s probably gone with more black women than Barack.” Herbert was outraged, but Larry, who just called me, says this is amazing news for him. As you know, Larry has accomplished everything he set out do in life except for two things — one is he wants to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record (and he’s closing in, believe me) and the other is he wants to be Asian. (Hence all the weird plastic surgery on his eyes. Someone should do a sequence of photos showing how he’s changed over the years. It’s not as dramatic as Michael Jackson, but almost.)

Anyway, Larry says he’s looking into this race-change-by-intercourse theory, and if there’s any truth to it, he’s going to declare himself officially Japanese. Or maybe he’ll have a transitional phase as a Caublasian, like Tiger Woods. Then he’ll go fully Asian in a few years. More as this develops.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Larry wants me to try some of his custom-made Viagra

You know how Larry is. All his clothes are bespoke. His yachts are custom-built. In restaurants he doesn’t even look at the menu — just tells the poor bastards what he wants to eat, and the chef makes it for him. So naturally when it comes to boner pills (or any pharmaceuticals, for that matter) he’s not going to settle for just the regular stuff that everyone else takes. No, not Larry. He’s got to have something special.

So he goes to Pfizer and pays them some ridiculous amount of money to create a personalized version of Viagra that reduces some of the side effects he’d been experiencing using the ordinary stuff. (Stuffy nose; upset stomach; occasionally a small amount of an unpleasant condition previously associated with Olestra. Ahem.) Pfizer also cranked up the potency and threw in a tiny bit of some kind of semi-psychedelic mood-altering chemical. They even print “LE” on each pill. Larry swears by the stuff and says if he could sell it commercially he’d make another billion on top of all the billions he already has, but apparently there are licensing issues with Pfizer. Whatever. The deal is he can have as much as he wants for himself and to share with friends. And now he wants me to try some.

I’m thinking about it, but honestly I don’t really have issues in that department. Larry says neither does he, he just takes the “Vitamin V” for kicks and so he can improve his recovery time, which is important when you’re sleeping with girls in their twenties because they’re used to doing it two, three, even four times a night. He says sometimes he takes it even when he’s not going to get laid; he just enjoys walking around with a tent in his pants. Makes him feel more powerful, he says. Takes a hit before meetings, and imagines himself clubbing the other dudes to death with it.

I told him, Look, Larry, you don’t need to feel embarrassed, I really don’t care if you can’t get hard-ons anymore, I mean it’s nothing to be ashamed of at your age, and most other guys in their eighties would love to have your problems, right? He’s like, Dude just take the stuff and then make up your mind, okay? And by the way when did you get all this sand in your crack about experimenting with new drugs? Better living through chemicals, isn’t that your motto? Or was that some other Steve Jobs that I used to hang out with?

So fair enough. I took a few of his boner pills home with me. But I’m kind of afraid to take them. Maybe I’ll start by taking half a pill and see what happens. More as this develops. (Art by Acid Gurl. Much love, baby.)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I’m worried about Larry

He just called from his place in Malibu and he could barely speak. He’s down there with Ron Burkle and Bill Clinton. He’s on the phone going, “Unnnnnh, mmmmhhh, what’s up, are you there … unhhhh.” At first I thought maybe he’d done poppers on top of Viagra again. He did that last year and the doctor on duty at his house had to start his heart for him. Then he spent a week in Cedars Sinai hooked up to monitors. I mean he was this close. Guy figures because he has a mini hospital in each of his houses and keeps it staffed 24-7 he can do whatever he wants.

So just now I go, Larry, what the hell are you doing down there? He didn’t answer. Just more moaning. I can hear girls shrieking in the background, people talking. A voice that I’m pretty sure is Clinton saying, “When’s that guy Pete getting back here with the blow?” I go, Larry, are you okay? He says, “Mmmmhhh, unnnnhhh, who’s this?” I tell him it’s me, Jobso. He says something I can’t understand. It’s like, “Howzugetdisnumma.” He says it a few times and then I realize he’s trying to say, “How’d you get this number?”

I go, Larry, it’s me, Jobso. And you called me. Are you all right? Do you need help?

No answer. After a minute or so I realized he’d dropped the phone and just left it on the floor. I could hear Clinton whooping it up. More voices. Giggling. Then someone hung up.

I’m like this close to calling the cops. But I’m afraid Larry would kill me if I did that. More as this develops. (Photo: Peter Gash, High Times.)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Larry is stoked

Just ran into him at the San Jose Jet Center. He’s heading down to LA for a weekend with Bill Clinton and Ron Burkle and he just had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. I’m like, What’re you guys planning? He’s like, “Duuuuude, don’t even ask, okay? You know how it is when you hang out with those guys. I’m packing a month’s worth of Viagra for a two-day trip.” He promised he’d tell me all about it when he got back. I told him I’m not sure I want to hear it. (Photo: Burt Hammer, Maxim.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Larry Ellison is sponsoring an LPGA event

Official name is the Oracle Longs Drug Classic but informally it’s known as “The Larry.” What a trophy, right? It’s so Larry. Sick bastard. He’s pouring big bucks into this and hoping it will become a big party scene like the Dinah Shore tournament in Palm Springs. Personally I hate golf even more than I hate sailboat racing. But whatever. Larry needs hobbies. Otherwise he’d have to go to work. God knows that ain’t gonna happen.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Larry, you’re a disgrace

So Larry got his ass kicked by some crafty eyeties in a boat race. Apparently this is a very big deal. At least to people who care about boat races. See here. Larry spent a zillion dollars on some fancy America’s Cup boat but then made the fatal error of insisting that they let him be a part of the crew. Typical. He also hired a crazy dictatorial captain that nobody liked and who everyone knew was going to mess the whole thing up. Everyone but Larry that is. Money quote: “How Ellison couldn’t see the obvious is mind boggling. Many people thought the team were going to implode – the question was when.” The result is that for the first time in 24 years there will be no U.S. boat in the America’s Cup. Nice work, Larry.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Here’s to you, Terry Garnett, O master of revenge! O skillful manipulator of the press!

So Larry Ellison calls and he’s howling laughing, so hard he’s almost choking. And he goes, Oh sweet mother of Allah, oh my God, Steve, have you seen the new BusinessWeek? They’ve got this big cover story about revenge, and it starts off with this stuff about Terry Garnett — remember him? used to get my coffee at Oracle, many moons ago, and carry my luggage at the airport? — and he’s saying how he hates me for firing him and he wants to get revenge on me and that’s why he bought Ingres, the big scary database company that he thinks is going to kill Oracle.

But here’s the kicker. The same day this story appears, two of the key guys at Ingres just walked out — Dave Dargo, the CTO, and Jim Finn, the head of communications. Better yet, they left bitching about the CEO that Garnett brought in last year, and, in a whisper, hinting that Ingres is, um, what’s the word for it? Oh, that’s right. Fucked.

I love it. I mean put aside how stupid BusinessWeek looks (because what’s new there, right?) but so much for Terry and his big revenge scheme right? I have no idea how much Terry spent to buy this dog, but apparently he forgot that Oracle already killed this company once before. Now he’s brought in 300 employees, and half of them appear to be senior vice president of something or other, and they’re all making top dollar and doing stuff like biz dev and strategery and visioneering and planning and partnering and marketeering.

Everything is swell except for one small thing — they ain’t selling any software. How can they? All the bigshots are running around in the fancy HQ in Redwood City planning to hold some planning meetings at which they can do this year’s planning for the five-year plan. They’re all drawing elaborate schemes on white boards and making up wonderfully beautiful PowerPoint presentations and plotting world domination instead of putting their feet on the street, or at least hitting the phones. They’re all ex-Oracle people and they’re all the lazy bastards who were underperforming. That’s why we let them go. It’s like when Castro emptied his jails. Poor old Terry. Donk! Another baseball bat to the head.

Steve, honestly, these guys make it too easy for me. I’m sitting here trying to work up a full-page ad that we can use to make fun of them. What should we call them? Ingrates? Angres? And here’s their slogan: “Ingres — fueled by hate.” Ha! Our entire sales force is getting copies of this BusinessWeek article to carry with them on sales calls, in case anyone mentions Ingres. Our response? Sure, that’s a great choice. Buy software from Ingres, and you can let Captain Ahab use your data center to act out his penis envy revenge fantasies. Riiight. Great move on your part, Mr. IT Customer.

By the way, what are you doing this weekend? Wanna do some Rat Patrol? We’ll get T.J. Rodgers and drive up to the Tenderloin and blast some trannies with water cannons. Extra points if you blow their wigs off. Okay? You in? You are? I love you man.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Larry smokes way too much weed

Lot of people don’t know this but Larry really has a very silly and sometimes sick sense of humor. He totally loves to pull practical jokes and make prank phone calls. Especially when he’s blitzed. So yesterday I went over to his place. He’s brought back these incredible buds from Hawaii. Bright green, with bright red woven through, and totally sticky with resin. One bong hit and you’re wasted. Three and you see color trails. Five and you can’t talk. So we put on Tuvan throat singers and did three hits each and lay on massage tables looking at color trails while these Japanese ladies massaged our faces and feet. Incredible. Buzz lasted about an hour. We drank some miso soup and green tea to bring ourselves back down and then Larry starts making calls. First up, he calls a hardware store in the Castro and asks them if they have caulk. And do you have black caulk? he says. Is it thick? Will it get hard right away and stay hard? Okay, so you do have thick black caulk that will get really, really hard? Cause I need it hard. The guy at the store was totally playing along but finally he got sick of it and he’s like, Girlfriend, do you really think you’re the first moron who ever called here asking for caulk? Do you really think that’s original? And, by the way, Mr. Lawrence Ellison, you might want to turn off your caller ID before you make prank calls, okay? Have a nice day! But even that doesn’t stop Larry. He’s laughing so hard that he’s got tears coming down his face. He fiddles with the caller ID and calls a Thai restaurant in Mountain View and asks them if they have chicken satay, and does it come with penis sauce? What kind of penis? Is it Asian penis? What does the penis sauce taste like? It is salty? I mean he’s just baked and totally cracking himself up. Larry, you’re fun to hang out with, but I think you are getting stoned too much. Maybe you need a new challenge. I dunno. Take up karate. Or you could merge with Microsoft. Kidding.