Saturday, July 14, 2007

iPhone parody video

We didn’t approve this. But some folks at Apple are enjoying it, so I figured I would share it with you.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Warning: Don’t go jogging during lightning storms. Duh.

Hooboy. Now they’re trying to pin a new one on us. The New England Journal of Medicine says here that some jerk was jogging during a thunder and lightning storm and got blasted out of his sneakers — actually messed up pretty badly. And guess what. He was wearing an iPod. Now they do at least admit that this was not our fault: “Although the use of a device such as an iPod may not increase the chances of being struck by lightning, in this case, the combination of sweat and metal earphones directed the current to, and through, the patient’s head.” Neverthheless they still manage to put us into the headline, which reads, “Thunderstorms and iPods — Not a Good iDea.” Thanks, New England Journal of Medicine, for perpetuating the myths about our fine — and totally safe — consumer electronics products. And now the idiots in the regular press are picking up the story too.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Scoble: Please turn in your iPhone immediately; your privileges have been revoked

Poor dumbass Scooble. First he cheered himself hoarse roaring out of the Apple store like a conquering hero with this damn iPhone. Now he’s disturbing the peace in our stores and just generally harshing the vibe — and then complaining about it on his stupid friggin blog. Robert, no need to worry. I’ve instructed AT&T to shut down service to your iPhone at midnight. Sprint isn’t the only carrier that shuts down a-hole customers, pal. Go back to using that sleek Nokia N95 that you lurve so much.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Spotted outside McNealy’s house

Jealous bastard.

"Yeah, I’d like a family-size bucket of the Colonel’s original recipe. Can you deliver to the mall? I’m the sad-looking guy outside the Apple store."

Speaking of guys who crave attention, how about poor Woz showing up and getting involved helping the retail goons hand out numbers? Dude, my bro, you need to get a job. Again, much love to the Mercury News for this treasure trove of scary/funny/sad photos.

Look at me! Look at me! Not the phone! Look at me!

Robert Scoble emerges triumphant from his hero’s journey into the depths of an Apple retail store. “I did it! I bought a phone! Look! A phone! I gave them a credit card and got it, just like that!” Note the overjoyed expression on the retail dope next to him. He’s setting a new record for looking bored while clapping. No doubt by this point this guy and all his colleagues were just so sick of Scoble they couldn’t wait to see him leave. Can you imagine? Scoble sitting there for three days doing an in-person version of twitter, telling everyone everything he’s doing at every minute? “Right now I’m live blogging and now I’m podcasting and now I’m vlogging and now I’m writing another blog item …” Good grief. Best part, from what I’m told, was when Scoble finally bought his phone and handed over his credit card and the clerk looked at it for a second and Scoble said, “Um, yeah. I’m that Robert Scoble.” Clerk, for the record, had no idea what Scoble was talking about.

Poor Scoble. Ever since he left Microsoft he’s getting less and less attention, and he can’t stand it. He’s like some retired ballplayer or washed-up rock star who can’t let go of the glory days. This too is from the Mercury News slideshow.

This is why I need ex-Mossad security guys

This dame actually waited to meet me on iDay with this doll of me that she made. No lie. Check out Captain Freako in the background. He’s one of our guys. Yuri Hishkill, son of Moshe Hishkill, our head of security. This photo was in the San Jose Mercury News. See the whole sad slide show here. Much love to reader Martin who sent this in with the message, “She has an iDol.” Ugh. Groan.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Another iTard tale

Some guy stocked up on iPhones figuring he could sell them at a huge profit on eBay, only to discover that he, um, couldn’t. So he had to return them to the store. People, think about it. Did you really think we’d generate all that hype and then not have anything to sell? That’s something that Microsoft would do. Or Sony. Anyway, we’re all laughing our asses off in Cupertino these days. See here.

In an unrelated story, Jizzmodo reports that some iTard paid $305 for one of the paper bags that we put the iPhones in. No guff. See here. I know what you’re thinking. Is Apple doing this stuff itself in order to keep the mania going. Um, yes. It was Katie Cotton’s idea.

Best iTard story I’ve heard so far

Some dame in Dallas showed up last Friday with thousands of dollars in cash hoping to buy out the whole store and sell the phones on eBay. She paid a kid $800 to give up the first spot in line and rushed in, only to find out they were only selling one phone per person. D’oh! Dumbass. Better yet, then the kid who gave up his spot just walked in a few minutes later and bought his iPhone, no problem. See the sad video here. Warning to you freetard advertisement haters: The whores who made this video included a 15-second ad for Toyota before the news clip runs. I know, right? Can you fucking believe it? Jesus fucking Christ! Anyway, there’s nothing I can do about it. Talk to your shrink about it this week or something, gentle souls. Much love to Dear Reader Brinke for sending in this link.