Thursday, August 16, 2007

Who let the Microsoft user pilot the space shuttle?

Check out this story about astronauts bringing iPods on the space shuttle. Now, okay, we gave them the iPods at no cost so we could get some free publicity. And yes, Katie Cotton got NASA to force them to participate in this stupid press conference by convincing the NASA flacks that this would make the astronerds seem more human or friendly and less like the cyborgs they actually are. But check out the quote from pilot Charlie Hobaugh who apparently couldn’t be bothered to memorize the script we wrote for him. He says he is bringing an iPod but doesn’t know what music is on it: “I listen to music and I like music but I couldn’t tell you who the group is, or anything else. I don’t really pay attention to that.” Bet you’re a real barrel of monkeys at a party, Charlie. Really. A real blast. By the way, the correct answer was: Bob Dylan. Album is called Blood on the Tracks. Have you heard of it? Friggin Dylan poured his heart out on that album. You ungrateful bastard.

To see the bio of Charlie the Pilot, go here. Says his number-one hobby is “weight lifting.” I am not making this up.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Warning: Don’t go jogging during lightning storms. Duh.

Hooboy. Now they’re trying to pin a new one on us. The New England Journal of Medicine says here that some jerk was jogging during a thunder and lightning storm and got blasted out of his sneakers — actually messed up pretty badly. And guess what. He was wearing an iPod. Now they do at least admit that this was not our fault: “Although the use of a device such as an iPod may not increase the chances of being struck by lightning, in this case, the combination of sweat and metal earphones directed the current to, and through, the patient’s head.” Neverthheless they still manage to put us into the headline, which reads, “Thunderstorms and iPods — Not a Good iDea.” Thanks, New England Journal of Medicine, for perpetuating the myths about our fine — and totally safe — consumer electronics products. And now the idiots in the regular press are picking up the story too.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Turn me on, dead man

Oh man. Now people are pissed because they’ve found “secret info” hidden inside iTunes songs. See here. Apparently things are slow at the Electronic Frontier Foundation and God knows they can’t go a week without getting a bug up their asses about something. And what better target than Apple, the company that has done more for the world than any other company in all of history? So they’re all fired up because when you buy songs on iTunes the song files have your name and email address embedded in it. Folks, relax. It’s just a watermark, okay? It’s not the mark of the beast. You’re not going to get turned into a zombie if you listen to your iPod. And nobody is going to steal your iPod and hack the song files and then find out your name and your email address. Even if they do, you can just get a new email address. And a new name. Or something.

This group hates iPods

And they’re based in England. Figures right? See here. Much lurve to reader Jon G. who alerted us to this outrage. Not sure but it appears they’re just trying to coast on our brand name and draw traffic or something. Apple lawyers will be dispatched today to shut these guys down.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Microsoft’s iPod Amnesty bin

This one has been around but in case you haven’t seen it, go here. It’s located outside the Zune headquarters. So sad. Really.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The image we’re trying to avoid

Look, I hate to say this because it sounds unkind but it’s just a fact. Old people are not an attractive demographic. Most of them are on fixed incomes and don’t like to spend money. Think about it. Of all the people you’ve ever known who had basic cable, or no cable at all, or who have a cell phone but “only for emergencies,” or who still watch movies on a VCR instead of a DVD player, how many were elderly? Close to 100% right? Old people, it’s not that we don’t want you as customers. But we don’t.

Watch out, elderly iPod users

Some 17-year-old high school kid in Okemos, Mich., has done a study that suggests iPods can interfere with your pacemaker and, I guess, cause you to have a heart attack. See here. Fact is we’ve known about this for quite some time. And we’re happy about it. We even cranked up the voltage on our new models. Thing is, we really don’t want old people using iPods. Ruins the image. Every time I see some elderly person wearing an iPod and power-walking at the mall I just want to scream. If we could find a way way to make iPods interfere with fat people we’d do that too. So far we can’t come up with anything. Ideas, anyone?

Oh no another bunch of lunatics is suing us

This time it’s some crappo company that makes some kind of anti-piracy technology. They’re suing us and Real and some others. See here. I’m not really up to speed on this as I’m spending all my time working on the script for my WWDC keynote. But I’m told these guys were about to go out of business and they’ve tossed up a Hail Mary pass. We’ll toss it back as a hand grenade and see how they handle it.