Monday, March 17, 2008

iPods in space

Everybody is all worked up because they saw an iPod being transported onto the Space Shuttle. See here. In fact we’ve been working very closely with NASA for the past few years trying to help them improve their image and seem more hip. Lot of people don’t know that. Much love, NASA. You’ve been a great business partner. Still hoping you’ll ditch the BlackBerries and adopt iPhone as an enterprise standard.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

iPod, like breast-feeding, can enhance your IQ

Which is why I insist on both. See here.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sacrilege! Zunes pollute iPod display at Wal-Mart

Much love to dear reader Sandy for alerting us to this. I knew we shouldn’t be doing business with Wal-Mart. Moshe and a team have been dispatched.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Another reason to only buy iPods

Any other music player might be mistaken for a handgun.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Is this a hoax?

Much love to dear reader Fernando who alerted us to this alleged campaign by police in the south of Wales where they claim teenagers are getting run down by cars when they step out into the road while wearing iPods. Please tell me this is not real. If it is, we’re going to fly over there and shut those bozos down. I mean it.

Saturday, December 29, 2007


Check out this story about an Apple store in Maryland where people have been buying iPods only to find angry Unabomber style notes inside them telling them they should free their minds and read a book. Ha! As if. Of course nobody actually took this crazy advice, but nonetheless we feel compelled to track down the source of this tampering. Because as Ron Johnson says, if we don’t stop it here, what’s next? Anthrax pellets? Notes telling people to spend their money feeding the homeless instead of buying ridiculously overpriced consumer electronics? Damn, yo.

Our first instinct, of course, was to blame bloggers, so we’ve sent subpoenas to TUAW, Crazy Mac Rumors, Cult of Mac, Your Mac Life, and the rest of the loonies to find out who knew what and when. Took a while to get the discovery done and to unshred and recreate all the paper in their shredders and for Moshe and his boys to conduct their polygraph exams using a batch of SP-17 truth serum obtained from the Russian secret service. Turns out they weren’t lying — these bozos really don’t know shit about anything. Apologies to the dozen or so hacks who were inconvenienced by this search but it had to be done. And, um, Leander Kahney? Much love and a huge namaste for telling us all that stuff about your years in boarding school. Hilarious! And just FYI, don’t you ever dare step out of line, or we’ll put that video up on YouTube faster than you can say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?”

So after scouring bloggers we were back to square one. If it wasn’t bloggers putting angry notes inside iPods, who could it be? Apple employees? Impossible. Maybe someone visiting the store? Not likely since the safety wrap was not tampered with. So who was the last person to touch these iPods before they were wrapped? Then we realized — it’s those bastard kids in China! Fuckers! Ingrates! We’ve locked down the labor camps. Nobody goes in or out, and all privileges are revoked until someone coughs up the culprit. Moshe and a team of elite commandos are on their way to Shenzhen now. I’m warning you, Chinese child workers: We’ll fire each and every last one of you. I’m not even kidding.

UPDATE: Dear reader Peter points out that according to the very story to which I linked (ahem) the Unabomber notes were found in iPods purchased in a Wal-Mart, not an Apple retail store. Much love to Peter for the correction. To those Apple retail employees who were wrongly dismissed, what can I say? Shit happens. Feel free to re-apply for employment with us after your six-month probationary period is over.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Candidate for "Stupidest idea of all time" contest

Oh my God. Much love to Alan for alerting us to this. Some idiot has taken old iPod earbuds and turned them into earrings. See more pix here. Look. If anyone spots some frigtard woman actually wearing these — good place to look would be Yelptard parties at SF MOMA, I’m guessing — please snap photos with your iPhone and send them in. You realize that we own the rights to these earbuds and that you can’t just hack them up and do whatever you want with them, right? Jesus.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Meet the woman who invented the iPod vibrator thing

Great interview with this freak here. Money quote: “What I really want to share about the philosophy of our company is that by linking OhMiBod to the iconic iPod, my hope is that our products will receive a level of social acceptance that other vibrators haven’t enjoyed. Our packaging is hip, sophisticated and approachable. We want our customers to feel as comfortable purchasing an OhMiBod as they do about purchasing any other iPod accessory.”

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I’ve tested this product myself (I got a demo unit that Om Malik had just reviewed and returned) and it’s fantastic. I’d love to sell this thing in our Apple stores but Ron Johnson says it’s not a good fit. I told him that in fact in my experience it was a perfect fit. He says that’s not what he meant. Peace, vibrator making ladies. I honor the place where my tunes and your sacred feminine temple become one.

I am so sick of Jon Rubinstein stealing credit for inventing the iPod

See the Wall Street Journal story here. They refer to Ruby as the “Podfather.” Now look. I suppose it’s natural in the aftermath of a big hit product that everyone who worked on it, no matter how remotely, likes to claim all the credit. It’s not something I would do but I’m not as insecure as some other people. Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan, as Creedence Clearwater Revival once sang. Anyway I think it’s pretty clear that I invented the friggin iPod. I mean it’s on Wikipedia. Still, Ruby needs to puff himself up on behalf of Palm, where he’s now working on a doomed phone platform that he thinks will compete against iPhone. He’s even been poaching some of our engineers. I told them, Guys, this is amazing, I mean it’s the first time I’ve seen rats swimming toward a sinking ship. But whatever. They all think they’re going to get rich by snapping up big chunks of Palm’s stock now and hanging on until Elevation flips Palm to Nokia or Motorola. I’ve bet each one of them a signed hundred dollar bill that no matter how much money they make at Palm it won’t be as much as if they’d stayed at Apple. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, Ruby, let me send you a personal message. Don’t even think about taking any ideas from iPhone or Apple and putting them into your big new Palm phone. Because trust me, I’m watching you. I’m watching you like a hawk. I’ve got eyes in the back of my friggin head, pal. I’ve got Moshe and his team going through your trash, breaking into your prototype labs, bribing your component suppliers. We’re flying spy planes over your campus and using X-ray cameras to see into your building. You assholes step over the line by a friggin millionth of an inch and I will haul every single one of you into court and I make your life a living hell. I will tie you up in court for years and drain your goddamn bank accounts dry. I mean I will friggin ruin you. See if your big pal Roger wants to bail you out of that jam. Heck, you know what? I might just do it anyway, just for entertainment. Meanwhile, happy holidays to all of you folks and your families. I wish you all the best. Peace out.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

iPod considered as new global currency

Okay, that’s not exactly true. But some banks in Austria are now using the iPod as a way to compare purchasing power in different countries around the globe and compare global currencies. See here. Much love, Austrian bankers.