Monday, May 3, 2010

Meanwhile, the real journalists are focusing on what matters

Thank you, David Pogue, for your wonderful blog posts about technology that keeps people from using cell phones while driving, and a piece about how you made the video to go with that, plus new services from cable companies and a shout-out to Android for being such a crappy, plucky little also-ran in the mobile computing space. Plus some great stuff on passport photos, music-sharing tips, and a fitness monitor.

You too, Walt Mossberg. The stuff has been terrific lately, eg, “Cookies, Android Phones, and using a Kindle in Japan.” And: “A Brief Rundown of What You Need in a Laptop.” (Top thing you need: An Apple logo. Nice.)

Guys, we realize it’s been slow lately, and there hasn’t been much going on in the tech space, especially around Apple. But you’re doing a great job of finding things to write about. Keep up the good work.

Yet more hate

Now some insightful fellow says we’re China:

The recent war between Apple and Adobe and the justifications made in Apple’s defense (ignore the predatory behavior in the tech space because it is too big a market to ignore) bring to mind the attitude that most large American corporations have regarding China (ignore the civil rights abuses because it is too big a market to ignore).

Hoo boy.

The backlash begins

It’s to be expected, so you shouldn’t get upset when you start seeing articles bashing us, like this:

TechCrunch says we’re silly little girls for using the word “magical.”

Alley Insider says traveling with the iPad isn’t so magical because you still need to bring a laptop and also if you just need to look something up quickly the iPhone is better so then what do you need the iPad for other than to impress fellow douchetards who see you using the latest crazy new gizmo and want to start talking to you? Money quote: “Having an iPad with you on a trip is a lot nicer than not having one. But having $500 is even nicer.”

The New York Post cites a single source who says the feds are about to open an antitrust inquiry on us because we’re forcing developers to use only tools we specify and they’d better not come from Adobe giving developers more freedom and trying to encourage greater competition in the market by empowering developers to develop apps for every single platform, separately, so that these apps will be as awesome and magical as they can possibly be.

Gizmodo picks up on that Post story and runs a photo suggesting I’m Michael Corleone. Yes, it’s Gizmodo. They’re still in business, apparently. Don’t get me started.

Anyway, dear friends, please do not get upset about all this. This stuff happens when you’re successful. People get jealous. There’s no need to take any of it to heart.

But if, by chance, this new wave of negativity does start to bother you, just go read Daring Fireball and allow the soothing feeling that you are superior to everyone else on the planet to start seeping back into your soul.


Adobe is like that weirdo girl that you slept with once because you were drunk at a party, and now she won’t go away

I mean we keep dropping hints, right? But they don’t get it. We’re like, Okay, we’re not going to run Flash on the iPhone, because, um, resource hog. Then we come out with iPad and we knock ourselves out bragging about how much processor power and battery life it has, but we still block Flash, because of, um, it makes Macs crash. So Adobe says fine, we’ll do this Flash Packager thing, so you won’t need to put Flash on the iPad, and we go, Uh, no, because of, intermediate layers and cross-platform tools. So now they say Okay, fine, we’ll rewrite that entire Wired app in Objective C, to meet your guidelines. Which means now we’re scrambling again to come up with yet another way to block them, and the best one we can come up with so far is that we’ll make rule that says media companies can only use third-party developers that are on our approved list, and then we’ll make a list that includes every company in the world except Adobe. Either that or we’ll say we’re only approving apps from magazines whose titles begin with the letters A through V and X through Z, and hope that maybe they don’t figure it out.

Katie Cotton

But then Katie “Sue Sylvester” Cotton is like, Why are you guys being such pussies? She goes, Steve, look, I was a mean girl in high school, and back in those days, in the 1970s, we used to have a name for girls like this. We called them Klingons, because they kept clinging on, geddit? And you need to trust me on this that the only way to deal with a Klingon is direct confrontation with phasers set to kill. Just tell her, look, I know we had sex that one time at that party where I was really wasted and I thought you were someone else, and I know it was a big deal for you because I’m really popular and you’re so not, but you have to understand. It’s not going to happen again. Okay? And then she’ll say, Wait a minute, you mean we’re breaking up, and you say, No, see, we were never going out, I just used you and now I’m done with you and I really don’t want you bugging me any more and if you keep it up I will get a restraining order and you’ll be so embarrassed that even the kids in band won’t hang out with you.

So I’m like, What? You want me to get a restraining order against Adobe? She’s like, No, Just tell them the truth. Remind them of that time you went to meet with Warnock and he told you he was focusing on Windows now instead of Macintosh and it was nothing personal they just needed to make a business decision, and you screamed at Warnock and had a tantrum in his lobby and said, I will fucking destroy your company! I will destroy you! I will make you come to me and beg for your life and I will just look at you and laugh! And then when your company is dead I will go to your neighborhood and burn down your homes and shoot your dogs and laugh as I listen to the lamentation of your women! Just wait and see! And then just tell them, Well, my dear friends, do you hear your women lamentationing? Because that day has now arrived.

And maybe Katie is right. So okay. Here goes.

Adobe, here’s the deal. I don’t like you. I never did. I just used you. Now you’re wondering why I keep avoiding you in the cafeteria at lunchtime and ignoring your increasingly pathetic texts. Adobe, the truth is, I’m just not into you. I know it hurts to hear that. At least, I hope it does. Does it? Good. Now go back to the weirdo kid table and eat your lunch, okay? Bye.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Please stop thinking about Gizmodo, doors being broken down, etc.

Instead, please think about my latest totally impromptu essay, Thoughts on Flash.

I realize you might be thinking that I just published this “Thoughts on Flash” thing as a way to distract attention from the Gizmodo affair, where, as Jon Stewart put it last night, we look like a bunch of jackbooted “appholes.”

You might be thinking that this whole Flash essay was just a cheesy attempt to bury the Gizmodo “breaking down doors” meme, especially since it’s pretty obvious that we leaked the Flash essay to our Chief Apologist John Gruber and told him to start whipping up some buzz on Twitter about it, and he followed orders.

You might also be thinking that this only makes us look even more manipulative and ridiculous.

If that is what you are thinking, please stop thinking that.

Again, I repeat: This is not what we want you to be thinking.

So please stop thinking about it. Right now.

Please, instead, think about Flash.

Get yourself worked up about Flash. Argue about it. Get angry about it!

And please, as I’ve already said, stop thinking about Gizmodo.

Going forward, if you’re ever in doubt about what you should think about, and you can’t get through to me personally, just read John Gruber’s blog, and he’ll tell you what I want you to think.

Failing that, you can always think about Gandhi, who loves his new iPad and is totally downloading apps like a madman.

And by the way, Gandhi would totally break down your door if you stole something that belonged to him. He would fuck up your shit. Seriously.


That is all.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We did not break into the home of the iPhone prototype seller

It was our private investigators, not us. And they didn’t break in. They just tried to. Actually what happened is they showed up and attempted to intimidate the kid into letting them search through his stuff. Perfectly legal. Perfectly acceptable behavior. There is no law, in California or anywhere else, that says it’s a crime to go to someone’s home and ask them to invite you inside and let you look through their stuff. There just isn’t. Hell, Jehovah’s Witnesses do this all the time. Except for the part about searching through your stuff. But why quibble over details. broke the story. And sure, what they’ve written is correct. Nevertheless we are demanding that they take it down, and if they won’t, we are threatening to reject all Conde Nast apps from the App Store, and to never let anyone from Wired come sit at my feet and ask me fawning questions and write down my phony scripted answers, ever again.

We’re pretty sure they’ll see the light on this.

Meanwhile, for now we’re asking John Gruber to ignore this story and simply pretend he hasn’t seen it or heard about it, and so far he seems to be complying. That’s for now anyway. Katie and her team are working on a version of the “Apple’s goons trying to get into some guy’s house” story that makes us look like the good guys.

We’ll have our side of the story up on Daring Fireball as soon as we can finish thinking it up. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

That’s right, Michael Wolff, I run the bookstore. I’m also now your editor. In fact, I’m the editor of the entire world!

Poor Michael Wolff of Vanity Fair and Newser. He submitted his lousy application to our App Store, and got rejected. And now all the world must live in fear:

What we have now, suddenly, is one of the most mercurial and paranoid and unusual men in American business—willing to swear out a warrant if you cross him—telling you what you can and cannot read. In other words, the device you may be holding in your hand (my column, perhaps unbeknownst to Apple, is available on the Newser iPhone app) is not necessarily a benign one; the company that makes it not necessarily your friend.

Keep an eye on Daring Fireball to get our side of the story.

Obama: All of Gawker must go to prison

He called last night and he’s like, Hey, is there anything I can do? Can we maybe find a way to turn this into a federal crime? Maybe a hate crime thing? Or domestic terrorism? We could put some people in Gitmo and hold them without charges.

I was like, Dude, I thought we’re not doing that anymore. He goes, Uh, nope. We’re still doing that. I said, But wait, didn’t you say during the campaign — and he goes, Yeah, look, let it go, and how about we just rendition them to Cairo and let someone else take care of it, because frankly I’ve always wanted to see Nick Denton with a black bag over his head.

I told him I’d think about it. Enjoy the publicity for now, Nick Denton. You won’t be laughing for long.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Gizmodo suddenly not in a hurry to break a scoop

Obviously I knew about this when I posted yesterday, but I was waiting to see how long it would take Gizmodo to come clean.

News flash: Cops with a warrant searched the home of reporter-slash-receiver-of-stolen-property Jason Chen and took six computers — three days ago, on Friday night. Gizmodo just gets around to reporting it now. Strange, no?

Gawker’s COO says the warrant was not valid because in California you can’t bust into the house of a reporter and take his stuff. Well, excuse me, but as far as I can tell, that just happened. And do you know why it happened? Because this is my state, Gawker. I make the rules.

Penal code? Please. Cite your little laws all you want. Write memos to the cops. I own the cops. They work for me. So do the judges and the prosecutors.

In case you’re wondering how far we’re going to push this, let me put it this way: Katie asks me to ask you if anyone knows Jason Chen’s waist size, because she wants to buy him a skirt.

Yeah. It’s like that.

Welcome to the jungle, Gawker guys. You merry pranksters got crazy with the wrong dude when you tangled with me. Oh, you had a good laugh. You had a big “scoop.” You thought were all badass, didn’t you?

Well, now it’s my turn. And I will not rest until your entire “empire” is ground to dust under the heel of my running shoe.

To put it another way:

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Gizmodo guys: Start thinking about ways to keep your cellmate happy. And yeah, that is exactly what I’m talking about

Seriously, get your boss Nick Denton to start teaching you how to take it in the butt. Because the police are ready to pounce, and we are definitely going to do everything we can to make sure you clowns spend time behind bars. My guess is Jason Chen (above) is gonna be a very popular guy when he arrives in prison. He’ll look a lot like he does in the photo, except he’ll be wearing some lipstick, and that thing he’s holding next to his face won’t be an iPhone.