Thursday, August 12, 2010

Truly, we have changed the world

And change is good. Isn’t it? This is a song from a Rocky movie, played entirely on iPads. I’ll be honest. It’s not exactly what we envisioned when we first set out to create this history-making device. But it does inspire awe. Will we someday have entire orchestras playing iPads? I believe we will. Will I go sit through their performances? Probably not. But I will honor their efforts.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Kara Swisher, girl, you need to get a grip

Just check out pissy little Kara Swisher of AllThingsD being all menopausal because not only did AT&T publish her email address but they also didn’t grovel enough in their apology to her. Earlier today Kara bitched about the fact that her name was on the list of 114,000 people whose email addresses got leaked after they registered their 3G iPads. Now AT&T has apologized, but Kara isn’t happy. She says AT&T’s apology to her is “sort of like telling me that only one room of my digital house was broken into, although nothing good was taken, so not to worry.”

Oh please. Get over yourself, you big drama queen. It’s just your goddamn email address! Suddenly you feel all violated, because someone could see your email address? What’s gonna happen? Someone might write to you?

But here’s the twist. For some reason, in her whining blog posts, Kara decided to publish her own super-duper top-secret personal email address — yeah, the one she was upset at AT&T for not protecting.

She went ahead and published it on her blog.

Well, the thing is, if you plug that personal email address into this new hacker tool called Google, it turns out that this email address was already available on the Internet — alongside some other information about Kara, including a street address and phone number.

None of which anyone would have known about it if Kara herself hadn’t just posted this email address on her own blog.

But we’re the bad guys. Yeah. Nice work, Kara.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

If someone mentions Android, make sure you go totally nuts

Apple faithful,

It is 1984 all over again. Once again, we are under attack. This time the enemy is Google, and make no mistake — they want to kill us. They want it all.

Which is why, once again, I am calling upon all of you to join the jihad and fight the good fight. If you hear someone saying that they’re thinking about getting an Android phone, don’t just sit there! Spring into action. Get right up in their face and tell them how fucking stupid they are because iPhone is still a million times better than Android and they obviously don’t know anything about technology and they are so going to regret going to Android because it is totally crappy and flawed and immature.

If they already have an Android phone, just scoff at them for being so stupid and for making such an idiotic decision. I mean really get into it. Start foaming at the mouth. Scream if you need to. By all means make it personal. Make fun of this person! Mock them! Tell them you wish they could be forcibly sterilized by the state so they could not reproduce and pass on their imbecile genes. Your goal is to reduce this person to a puddle of tears — and, by virtue of this shaming, to make them want an iPhone.

Maybe you’re saying to yourself, Hey, why do I care what phone some other person uses? I know why I love my Apple phone, but maybe it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s a big world out there, people have different tastes, and I don’t care what kind of car they drive or what kind of wristwatch they wear, or how they dress, so why do I care what phone they use, blah blah.

Well, wait a minute. Hold up. You do care what phone they use. You just do. For one thing, you have a lot of money and time invested in iPhone. Hell, you waited in line for the damn thing. Remember that? And remember how cool and special and powerful you felt when you whipped it out in public and everyone around you was like, Whoa, is that the new iPhone? Are you some kind of wizard? Do you have magic powers?

Well, the magic is under attack. That’s why you care. It’s not about Apple. It’s about you.

So here’s what to do. If the person is a friend of yours, you say you are only attacking and insulting them because you care about them and don’t want to see them make a terrible mistake. If the person talking about Android is a complete stranger — say, someone at a nearby table in a restaurant that you’ve overheard talking to someone else — you are still well within your rights as an Apple owner to interrupt their conversation in the context of wanting to “share facts” and “set the record straight.”

If they give you shit about walking over to their table and ranting at them over what they considered to be a private conversation, just point out that they are the ones who started it, by criticizing Apple in a public place and spreading lies and FUD and false information about Apple products. Even if they were just talking about Android and did not even mention Apple, that in itself constitutes an implicit criticism of Apple, and you have every right to act.

Now for the talking points. We’re going to be sending these out in a mass email to iPhone owners, and also including the talking points on the home screen the next iPhone OS upgrade so you’ll have them handy wherever you go. But here are a few things you should say to counter the Android FUD:

* Why do you hate Apple so much? You seem really defensive, and angry. You seem to be taking this all so personally. You need to let go of your ego. Everything is not all about you.

* Apps. There are way more apps on iPhone OS. This will never change. Whatever the world looks like right now, that’s how it will be forever. Android will never catch up.

* Power users versus regular folks. Fair enough, you’re a super techie and can handle Android. Apple is designed for regular people who don’t want to worry about technology. By adopting Android, and helping Google succeed, you are hurting the regular folks who want to use Apple. Somehow.

* Vaporware. Android 2.2, aka Froyo, does not even exist yet. Unlike iPhone OS 4.0, which has already been demonstrated in public.

* Multitasking. You don’t need it. It’s a total red herring. When was the last time you did more than one thing on a phone? Also: Apple will have multitasking soon, so the point is moot.

* Music. You realize that playing music is one of the most important things a phone must be able to do, right? Well, Apple invented this thing called iTunes. Have you heard of it?

* Fragmentation. I’m trying to remember, how many versions of Android are there? Like sixty? And each one has a different user interface, and they’re always updating and changing and you have to go look up to see if your phone will run the new OS and it’s just so confusing and you’ll be tearing your hair out. With Apple, just one system. Simple. Ahhh.

* Google is big and evil and wants to steal all your personal information. Apple is all about freedom. And magical, childlike wonder.

* Flash. Apple won’t support it, Google will. Guess what? Flash drains your battery, and makes your phone so hot that it will set your hands on fire. So, yeah. You’re welcome.

* Porn. Did you know that Android was created by Google to help porn merchants sell dirty filthy porn on mobile phones so that porn-loving perverts could look at their smutty porn 24 hours a day and probably molest your kids?

* AT&T actually much better than Verizon. Faster 3G. Talk and surf Web at same time. As for dropped calls, all I can tell you is it has never happened to me or anyone I know, and the media has blown that issue way out of proportion.

* Browser. Forget the benchmarks that Google provides and just trust your own eyes. Safari is the fastest browser in the market. It’s 5-10x faster than any other browser.

* Ads. Ours are made by Apple. Theirs are not. Enough said.

* Spyware. You won’t get it on Apple. Android is crawling with it. Also, viruses. You’ll get viruses just by turning on your phone. If you’re on your home network, the virus could jump from your phone to every device on your network, even your WiFi router, and you will never get it out. The virus will spy on you and take pictures of you as you’re working and post those pictures on Facebook along with your credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, and a list of everything you’ve ever bought online. So, good luck with that.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ballmer reviews iPad

Monday, May 3, 2010

Jesus wept — again

Some jackass microwaves his iPad. I cried when I watched this. Reblogged from Gizmodo.

Meanwhile, the real journalists are focusing on what matters

Thank you, David Pogue, for your wonderful blog posts about technology that keeps people from using cell phones while driving, and a piece about how you made the video to go with that, plus new services from cable companies and a shout-out to Android for being such a crappy, plucky little also-ran in the mobile computing space. Plus some great stuff on passport photos, music-sharing tips, and a fitness monitor.

You too, Walt Mossberg. The stuff has been terrific lately, eg, “Cookies, Android Phones, and using a Kindle in Japan.” And: “A Brief Rundown of What You Need in a Laptop.” (Top thing you need: An Apple logo. Nice.)

Guys, we realize it’s been slow lately, and there hasn’t been much going on in the tech space, especially around Apple. But you’re doing a great job of finding things to write about. Keep up the good work.

Yet more hate

Now some insightful fellow says we’re China:

The recent war between Apple and Adobe and the justifications made in Apple’s defense (ignore the predatory behavior in the tech space because it is too big a market to ignore) bring to mind the attitude that most large American corporations have regarding China (ignore the civil rights abuses because it is too big a market to ignore).

Hoo boy.

The backlash begins

It’s to be expected, so you shouldn’t get upset when you start seeing articles bashing us, like this:

TechCrunch says we’re silly little girls for using the word “magical.”

Alley Insider says traveling with the iPad isn’t so magical because you still need to bring a laptop and also if you just need to look something up quickly the iPhone is better so then what do you need the iPad for other than to impress fellow douchetards who see you using the latest crazy new gizmo and want to start talking to you? Money quote: “Having an iPad with you on a trip is a lot nicer than not having one. But having $500 is even nicer.”

The New York Post cites a single source who says the feds are about to open an antitrust inquiry on us because we’re forcing developers to use only tools we specify and they’d better not come from Adobe giving developers more freedom and trying to encourage greater competition in the market by empowering developers to develop apps for every single platform, separately, so that these apps will be as awesome and magical as they can possibly be.

Gizmodo picks up on that Post story and runs a photo suggesting I’m Michael Corleone. Yes, it’s Gizmodo. They’re still in business, apparently. Don’t get me started.

Anyway, dear friends, please do not get upset about all this. This stuff happens when you’re successful. People get jealous. There’s no need to take any of it to heart.

But if, by chance, this new wave of negativity does start to bother you, just go read Daring Fireball and allow the soothing feeling that you are superior to everyone else on the planet to start seeping back into your soul.


Adobe is like that weirdo girl that you slept with once because you were drunk at a party, and now she won’t go away

I mean we keep dropping hints, right? But they don’t get it. We’re like, Okay, we’re not going to run Flash on the iPhone, because, um, resource hog. Then we come out with iPad and we knock ourselves out bragging about how much processor power and battery life it has, but we still block Flash, because of, um, it makes Macs crash. So Adobe says fine, we’ll do this Flash Packager thing, so you won’t need to put Flash on the iPad, and we go, Uh, no, because of, intermediate layers and cross-platform tools. So now they say Okay, fine, we’ll rewrite that entire Wired app in Objective C, to meet your guidelines. Which means now we’re scrambling again to come up with yet another way to block them, and the best one we can come up with so far is that we’ll make rule that says media companies can only use third-party developers that are on our approved list, and then we’ll make a list that includes every company in the world except Adobe. Either that or we’ll say we’re only approving apps from magazines whose titles begin with the letters A through V and X through Z, and hope that maybe they don’t figure it out.

Katie Cotton

But then Katie “Sue Sylvester” Cotton is like, Why are you guys being such pussies? She goes, Steve, look, I was a mean girl in high school, and back in those days, in the 1970s, we used to have a name for girls like this. We called them Klingons, because they kept clinging on, geddit? And you need to trust me on this that the only way to deal with a Klingon is direct confrontation with phasers set to kill. Just tell her, look, I know we had sex that one time at that party where I was really wasted and I thought you were someone else, and I know it was a big deal for you because I’m really popular and you’re so not, but you have to understand. It’s not going to happen again. Okay? And then she’ll say, Wait a minute, you mean we’re breaking up, and you say, No, see, we were never going out, I just used you and now I’m done with you and I really don’t want you bugging me any more and if you keep it up I will get a restraining order and you’ll be so embarrassed that even the kids in band won’t hang out with you.

So I’m like, What? You want me to get a restraining order against Adobe? She’s like, No, Just tell them the truth. Remind them of that time you went to meet with Warnock and he told you he was focusing on Windows now instead of Macintosh and it was nothing personal they just needed to make a business decision, and you screamed at Warnock and had a tantrum in his lobby and said, I will fucking destroy your company! I will destroy you! I will make you come to me and beg for your life and I will just look at you and laugh! And then when your company is dead I will go to your neighborhood and burn down your homes and shoot your dogs and laugh as I listen to the lamentation of your women! Just wait and see! And then just tell them, Well, my dear friends, do you hear your women lamentationing? Because that day has now arrived.

And maybe Katie is right. So okay. Here goes.

Adobe, here’s the deal. I don’t like you. I never did. I just used you. Now you’re wondering why I keep avoiding you in the cafeteria at lunchtime and ignoring your increasingly pathetic texts. Adobe, the truth is, I’m just not into you. I know it hurts to hear that. At least, I hope it does. Does it? Good. Now go back to the weirdo kid table and eat your lunch, okay? Bye.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

That’s right, Michael Wolff, I run the bookstore. I’m also now your editor. In fact, I’m the editor of the entire world!

Poor Michael Wolff of Vanity Fair and Newser. He submitted his lousy application to our App Store, and got rejected. And now all the world must live in fear:

What we have now, suddenly, is one of the most mercurial and paranoid and unusual men in American business—willing to swear out a warrant if you cross him—telling you what you can and cannot read. In other words, the device you may be holding in your hand (my column, perhaps unbeknownst to Apple, is available on the Newser iPhone app) is not necessarily a benign one; the company that makes it not necessarily your friend.

Keep an eye on Daring Fireball to get our side of the story.