Thursday, November 26, 2009

Red Alert! Best Buy Ruins Apple Experience

Jay-suss Freakin’ Lemon-Age Keyyyy-Rist! This is what should happen when you buy from a used car salesman, not a freakin’ authorized Mac dealer! Fuckin’ Geek Squad,  the total opposite of Genius Bar – you’d think  Microsoft would have invented it.

Best Buy – you’re dead to me, and to every other geek and their families and mailing lists. We hope you go bankrupt next year.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

So about that `monk’

The guy has been calling me, bugging the hell out of me, wanting me to make a decision about whether to give everything away, transcending to the next level. I mean I’ve had car salesmen who weren’t as obnoxious as this guy. So I kinda had some weird vibes about it and all. But at the same time the guy is very persuasive. Tells me he thinks I can develop the ability to levitate, which is something I’ve always totally wanted to do. I once spent a year working on this and almost got it, I swear. (Trivia hunters: Check out the photo at the bottom of this page. You’ll see two guys levitating at a meditation demonstration in Palo Alto in the 1980s. Behind them, seated on a couch, you’ll see a denim-clad leg. Yeah. El Jobso. No shizzle.)

Anyway, I was on the verge of writing this guy a pretty big check for his foundation (like low seven digits) in exchange for some levitation exercises. But then I got a call from Larry Ellison. Says he’s been reading the blog and just saw the photo of that monk and called right away. He’s like, Dude, that scammer clipped me for like eight million bucks a few years ago. Told me I had this special Qi power and was destined for great things. Even told me I could friggin levitate. I actually went up to Chinatown a bunch of times and sat there in some dumpy dance studio in the lotus position, jumping up and down like a friggin frigtard. Dude, trust me, run away from this guy fast. I had my goons investigate him. He’s an ex con, buddy. Did five years in federal prison someplace. I hope you didn’t give him any money. You didn’t, did you?

So I told him no, I didn’t give him any money yet. And Larry says, Buddy, what’s wrong? I can hear it in your voice. What’s the matter, bud? I go, Well, this options shit has got me down I guess. Or just getting older or something. The new smartphone thing is a piece of shit. I dunno. He says, Steve, Steve, Steve! Dude, we gotta cheer you up. Seriously. We gotta go to Hawaii or something. Or Thailand. You remember Thailand, Steve? Patpong Road, right? Those were the days, right? Am I right?

But suddenly I felt myself choking up. It was like I was gonna friggin cry, sitting there. I said, Larry, hey, I gotta go. I’ll call you back. No, I’m fine. But I gotta call you back.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

So my spiritual guide returned

With this Buddhist monk in tow. Guy sat with me holding my wrists the way Jennie did. Then he looks at Jennie. She says, You see? He is, right? The monk nods. He closes his eyes and thinks for a minute. Then he says to me, You have a very strong gift. Perhaps you feel it. It has served you well. But there is something even greater that may come to you. I’m like, Yeah, you know what, this whole iPhone thing, I know everybody’s psyched about it, but I don’t think we can differentiate enough, and Nokia already has a jump on us, so at best we’re looking at 5% market share and zippo margins, so I don’t know, I’m thinking about just pulling the plug.

He goes, No, not the iPhone. I say, Well I’m not doing a PDA, either. Friggin Newton was a friggin disaster. He goes, I am talking about something beyond this. He sits there, staring at me. Finally he goes, The future is not a single thing. The future is many things. Many possibilities. Do you understand this? I hate when these guys get all friggin cryptic but whatever. I just go, Sure, many futures, okay. He says, There are many paths. One of them, for you, leads to a great achievement, beyond what you can imagine. And I’m thinking, Dude, achievement? Hello! I invented the friggin iPod, have you heard of it? But I don’t say that. I’m just sitting there.

But I guess he can read my mind because he goes, Yes, the iPod is delightful. The Macintosh is a beautiful machine. Nemo is a wonderful creature. With these you have changed the world. But there is something much larger for you if you choose it. Today you walk a difficult line. You live in the world, and yet you try to remain apart from it. This struggle produces for you many possessions but it wastes a great deal of energy. The weight of your possessions keeps you from transcending. Every posession is an item in your rucksack. Your rucksack is very full. Men see this and call this success. But the rucksack is heavy. The burden prevents you from making your journey. The opportunity before you is given to very few. I pray you make a wise choice. Namaste.

He bowed his head, and fell silent.

I said, So you’re telling me I have to give away everything I own? Everything? Quit my job? Become a monk or something?

He goes, I am not saying you have to do anything. I am saying what is possible for you. What you are capable of.

So I go, Well what is it you see? Because I already had the chance to run Microsoft and I turned it down.

He says he can’t tell me. So I’m like, Yeah, you know, I don’t know, I’ll have to kinda think about this or something, I mean it’s a lot to take in.

At the door he stopped and bowed one last time. You know, he said, I really liked that commencement speech you did. Seriously. It was a great speech. I wish you good luck.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

What a long strange trip it’s been

Wild stuff happening here. I’ve been up all night with my spiritual guide doing some intense soul journeying and past life regression work. Jennie does a kind of guided trip using a combination of peyote and amyl nitrite. First thing she did was ask me what’s this horrible music playing, and I said it’s Lothar and the Hand People, it’s awesome with psychedelics and what’s more amazing is that all this rich, full sound is coming from a $349 iPod HiFi which blows away high-end stereos costing ten times as much. She goes, Nope, no way, throw it out, and we sit there in silence in the lotus position, and I’m like, Cool, I love tripping in silence, you can hear the walls breathing, excellent.

Jennie does not use peyote herself. But she does her work in a trance state. She waited until I was getting off, like when colors started to get vivid, and then she went under. She goes into this character called Sethram, with this freako deep voice. For like nine hours straight, without a break, she held my wrists between her thumbs and forefingers and just read me. Weird voices coming out of her, my past selves speaking. I was awake the whole time and just watching her. She was just gone. Eyes closed. Like on a different plane.

Then just after dawn something happened. She was reading my present life, telling me all this stuff that nobody could know, and then suddenly she became very still. And very cold. I could feel the energy drop. She began to vibrate, almost imperceptibly at first, then stronger and stronger, until she was shaking so violently I thought maybe she was having a seizure. Her eyes popped open and she said, Oh God, oh God, and she was back in her normal voice, her Jennie voice. Her eyes were like bugging out wide as saucers, looking right at me.

She says, You don’t know, do you. You don’t, right? I’m like, Jennie, what the frig? She leaps up, shaking, I mean like she’s friggin terrified, and starts backing away from me toward the door. She says, I have to leave. I’m sorry. I’ll come back. Tomorrow, okay? I can’t handle this right now. There’s someone I need to see. I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m sorry. I can’t stay here.

That was like two hours ago and I haven’t heard from her. Meanwhile, we’ve got an executive committee meeting in half an hour, and I’m still tripping my ass off on the peyote. Got some Lothar playing in the background. Ow! Good times.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I’m fine, really. Honest. No problems.

Namaste. There’s been a lot of speculation about my health cause people said I looked so crappy at the WWDC. Look, the question has been asked and answered. But I understand. People worry. It’s cool. I appreciate the concern. I do. And I’m fine. Yes, that really was me at the WWDC, not a stand-in who looks and sounds almost exactly like me. No, I have not fled the country and been replaced by a look-alike. Katie, our currently non-hypnotized PR woman, wanted to put out a statement to this effect but I told her we should stick to the “frig you” policy that has served us so well with the press in the past. Meanwhile, my spiritual advisor Jennie Falco has arrived and we’re sequestered in the Apple meditation chamber, which I’ve blocked out for the next two days. (Sorry to those of you who had to cancel sessions.) Jennie and I are doing some karmic repatterning, plus some soul clearing and journeywork. In other words, the full package, with brief breaks for bathroom and email. It’s hard work, and very taxing. But I know it is going to pay off. Thank you all for your concern. Namaste.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Help is on the way, hooray

So I’ve been desperately trying to track down my Zen master. I tried calling him, got the machine. Drove up to his house, he’s not there. Drove down to Tassajara, up to Berkeley, no luck. Finally I went to the Zen Center in Mountain View and someone there who knows him tells me he’s on a friggin retreat in Japan and can’t be reached. But they know someone else, supposedly very excellent, this woman named Jennie Falco who was trained and received the blessing of my original Zen master, the late Kobin Chino. Jennie’s website (please check it out) says she’s a “heart-centered clairvoyant medium” and a “counselor, teacher and guide.” She also does karmic repatterning and soul clearing/journeywork. In other words, she’s perfect, but there’s just one catch. She’s in Colorado doing a Reiki Master Training workshop. So I track her down and she says of course she knows who I am because Roshi Kobin often spoke of me (!) and of course she’ll cancel the workshop and come back ASAP to help me. She says she can feel the disturbance in my soul over the phone. So, great. I’m sending the Apple jet to get her.

Meanwhile, I’m just trying to stay quiet and find the still center. I’ve told everyone around me, no phone calls, no visitors. Especially not from Potter. I want that guy out. I’m not releasing any new products until he’s gone. Because they’ll just be infected by his bad energy. The guy and his goon squad are totally messing up the spirituality around here. It’s a delicate place, Apple. You’ll never get to visit, but if you did, you’d see. The hallways are very quiet. Lots of glass and wood. Very monastic. The whole idea is to sustain a feeling of harmony, like a string pulled taut. Now we’ve got these lawyers running around ripping the place up. It hurts my soul, honestly. I’m fasting again, and meditating. Liquids only until Jennie Falco gets here. Namaste. Peace.