Wednesday, June 9, 2010

God bless you, John Gruber

For pointing out the sheer hypocrisy on the part of AdMob, which is complaining because we are blocking AdMob from our platform to punish AdMob for selling itself to Google instead of to us. Gruber also kneecaps John Battelle for his similarly inane response to our totally legitimate decision to do everything we can to destroy AdMob.

As Gruber points out:

1. “Google started this.”

True, and exactly what I would have said, except I would have added, “Nyah nyah.”

Because let’s be clear. Google had no right to enter the mobile device market. What they’ve done with Android is akin to the Russians landing on the moon and putting their flag next to ours and claiming that the moon now belongs to both of us. Well, sorry. That’s not how the world works. The moon belongs to us, and we’re not going to share it just because someone else figures out how to land on it.

We’ve been pushing the FTC on this because it’s pretty outrageous anticompetitive behavior on Google’s part. So far we’re not getting the kind of response we’d like. If all else fails we may file a lawsuit against Google. Some people are telling me I should just let it go, but honestly I just can’t do that. I’d rather quit.

2. “If AdMob had sold itself to Apple instead of Google, they could still sell in-app ads on iOS.”

This is exactly what we told AdMob when we were trying to buy them. I mean come on. This is how vertical integration works. And if we didn’t do stuff like this, any company would just be free to go out and sell itself to any other company. I mean think about it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Guest blogger: John Gruber

He is, quite simply, the best Apple blogger out there, and we’re incredibly happy that he graciously agreed to write a guest post for us today. It’s a terrific essay, one that you can print out and apply to any situation involving Apple, at any time. Namaste, John Gruber. I honor the place where your point of view and my own remain absolutely synchronized at all times.

Why Apple Is Right

The whole argument is being blown out of proportion and at the same time misrepresented by people who don’t really understand the underlying issues, either because they are intellectually dishonest or profoundly stupid or both. So let’s take a quiet moment to look at what’s going and then try to reach some kind of reasonable agreement based not on emotions or on hysteria but simply on facts. Okay, assface? Or is that beyond the capabilities of your tiny syphilis-riddled brain?

The fact is, Apple has good reason to behave the way it is behaving here. The precedents being cited by those on the other side do not apply in this case at all. It’s a straw man argument, which I have created and now will knock down, like so. Then, let’s look at the history, which also proves that I’m right. Finally, let me mention WebKit and Cocoa so we can establish, once and for all, that I know more about this subject than you do, from which we can extrapolate another fact, which is that you should now just shut the fuck up.

So there you have it. Fact, fact, fact. Plain and simple. Pure logic.

As for Apple’s intentions, who can say? But from my own conversations with certain people who work at Apple, I can tell you that Apple is being honest in its explanations and that the path it has chosen to take, while involving some tradeoffs, ultimately is the right one.

In case you’ve forgotten (or, if you never actually knew it, because you are missing part of your brain, which you probably are if you think Apple is wrong on this one) — at the end of the day Apple is a company, not a charitable organization. As such it has every right to do what it considers to be in its own best interest.

Even so, for the sake of argument, let’s consider only what Apple is doing from the perspective of the end user. Do customers benefit from what Apple is doing? In the short term, maybe not. But long term, absolutely. Because by putting up with what Apple is doing now, customers are helping to ensure that Apple stays in business and that its competitors die. That, more than anything else, is the reason to continue buying Apple products. I don’t see how anyone argues with the logic here.

Also remember — Apple didn’t start this fight. Apple, in fact, is the victim. What’s at stake here is that Apple’s competitors want to put Apple out of business. Ergo, Apple must kill them before they kill Apple. And we, as customers, must help Apple kill them.

Remember, Apple is good. And Apple is right.

Apple did not pay me to say this. They did not need to. I would say it, and will say it — nay, indeed, I would shout it from the rooftops, for as long as I live: Apple is right, and if you believe otherwise, then you are a stupid moronic imbecile who simply doesn’t understand this as well as I do, because you are a developmentally impaired shit-for-brains simpleton and I am not.

Also, Apple just sold 10 million iPads in less than two weeks, and OS X Snow Leopard is the top-selling operating system on Amazon for the 125th straight week, so you tell me who’s right and who’s wrong. Yeah. I thought so. You’ve just been destroyed. Crushed. Embarrassed and humiliated, ground to dust under the heel of my boot. Be gone now, you Windows loving FUD machine. You ugly Apple hating troll. You porn-loving Android user, pleasuring yourself with your Nexus One.

Also: Comments are turned off, so if you really need to vent, go put your head between your legs and scream into your asshole. Buh-bye.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Gruber’s new look

This newsflash c/o The Mosspuppet, who obviously cares very much for his special friend, Gruber. He says the maven of Daring Fireball is now favoring the Ninja Turtle look…not sure why. More if/when this develops.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Apple’s 10 biggest problems

That’s the headline from author Philip Elmer-DeWitt. “One of Apple’s most influential pundits zeroes in on what’s wrong with the company.”

The reference is to Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.

At Macworld Expo 2010, The Grubster delivered a list of what’s wrong with Apple. In order of delivery, who or what is leading the list?

Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs is what’s wrong with Apple. Right off the bat, Gruber declares El Jobso IS the problem at Apple- one of many.

Money quote:

“It can be argued, Gruber maintains, that Steve Jobs’ most important product — the thing he’s spent the better part of his energy building since he returned to Apple — is not the Mac, the iPod, the iPhone or even the iPad. It’s Apple Inc., the company. The pessimistic dig on Apple, says Gruber, is that it’s a supremely well-organized company organized around one irreplaceable guy. The optimistic view is that Jobs has structured it to run like his other company, Pixar, which manages to turn out hit after hit, year after year, without a charismatic celebrity leader.”

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Daring Fireball, new and improved!

Well, sorta but not really. Daring Fireball is the project of John Gruber, who as we all know an expert on Apple matters.  Just ask him. Anyhoo, his website doesn’t have a comment function, and wears this badge proudly, it would seem. Ooops.  Now, please welcome for your consideration, “Daring Fireball With!” The team behind the website MacHeist dreamed this up, and it’s a mirror image of Gruber’s site, just with comments.  Hence the title. More fun and frivolity here.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It’s the browser, stoopid!

OMG, Gruber argues for the hell that was pre-1984 once again.Actually, it’s already here, in the mobile device market. In the end it’s not going to matter if there’s three OSes or three hundred. With an always on internet connection, it’ll boil down to the best browser experience and the coolest toy to show it off.Hasn't bathed since 1984, either.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dear Gruber: I am not worthy

Well, you nailed it, you lucky fucker. Right down the line, you called every product we announced today. So, congratulations. We have no idea who’s leaking to you. But trust me, we will find out. Meanwhile, bask in the glow. Take a victory lap. Enjoy it. Today, I am your bitch. But know this: We will get you.

UPDATE: Commenters point out that Gruber did not predict the new remote. He also predicted new MacBooks, plural, and there was only one. But look. These are tiny details. The guy nailed it. You win, Gruber. Namaste.

Apple God Gruber boasts: I know what Apple will announce today

He hasn’t been briefed, but here’s what he’s predicting:

Redesigned plastic MacBooks

Redesigned iMacs

Updated Minis, including one that ships with OS X Server

Multi-Touch Magic Mouse

Wildcard: Multi-Touch Trackpad Gadget for Desktop Macs

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Gruber grubers self, gets downgraded from "ace" to plain old "blogger"

Poor Gruber. We’ve fucked with his head so badly that he doesn’t know what to think anymore.

First he predicted new iMacs with Blu-Ray, and Alley Insider, which does no actual reporting of its own but instead just re-reports whatever nonsense Gruber pulls out of his ass as if these steaming piles of crap were the same thing as actual fucking news, repeated Gruber’s wrongheaded post as if Moses himself had come down off the cross and said it. But now Alley Insider reports the stunning breaking news that — gasp — Gruber has changed his mind! Good Lord! Better yet, Alley Insider used to call Gruber “Apple God Gruber.” Yesterday they changed that to “Apple Ace Gruber.” Today, after yet another swing and miss, they’re calling him a “well-sourced blogger.” As in, “our well-sourced blogger is so well-sourced that he now has learned that the well-sourced prediction he made yesterday was, in fact, based on information obtained from sources who are not as well-sourced as the sources who are now feeding him information that he believes is the gospel truth, based on well-sourced sources.”

I’d embed links to Gruber’s original post and his retraction, but for some strange reason his site is down right now. We’ll go looking for the originals later. We’ll also keep feeding him more conflicting info to see if we can get him to retract his retraction. That would be a gruber of epic proportions.

For those just tuning in: as we reported recently, Gruber is famously wrong on most of the shit he predicts. It’s not his fault. It’s ours. We’ve been feeding him loads of wrong info in order to undermine his credibility. And it’s working. Especially lately, like on our iPod announcements. The hilarity ensues not from Gruber being totally wrong all the time, but from him being such a total know-it-all prick, so absolutely cocksure and confident about how cool and plugged in and “well-sourced” at Apple he is and how much smarter he is than everyone else who covers Apple. (Our PR flacks fucking hate him.) It’s like a guy who keeps stepping up to the plate and pointing to the spot in the bleachers where he’s going to hit his home run — even though every time he swings, he misses the ball by several feet. It’s like watching Andy Kaufman mouthing off to Jerry Lawler and then getting the shit kicked out of him. (See below.)

Gruber has been wrong so often, in fact, that we invented a new verb, “to gruber,” meaning “to predict incorrectly.”

I’ve made this suggestion before but let me try this again: Why don’t you fucktards just stop trying to predict what we’re going to put out? Why not just show up like everyone else, sit there with your notebooks on your lap and your hands in the clap position and just wait to hear what the fuck we say and then cheer wildly like a pack of idiots when we give you the “applause” cue? Is that so fucking hard? I mean, Mossberg and Pogue manage to do it, right? How hard can it be?

Oh well. Enjoy some vintage Andy Kaufmann:

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Gruber downgraded from "Apple God" to "Apple Ace"

Apparently the wrong predictions, based on our strategic false leaks, are taking a toll on Gruber’s reputation. Alley Insider still cites Gruber and calls him “well-courced” — but now they’ve changed his title. Sorry about that, dicknose.

This time he’s predicting new iMacs with Blu-Ray players, and, as usual, Alley Insider re-reports the prediction — but note they’ve demoted Grubes to “ace” from “god.” Significant? Katie says so.

Meanwhile, you’re wondering whether Gruber has grubered again on this one, right? Well, you’ll find out soon enough.