Jeez, if I knew it could be this easy, I would have bailed out of the Chamber of Commerce a long time ago. Suddenly the greenies can’t find enough nice things to say about us.

First Greenpeace throws us a big sloppy wet kiss, saying “IBM and Microsoft should think different too.” Then this:

Yesterday the Chamber questioned Steve Jobs’ personal judgement in deciding to leave. Rather than lecturing Steve on innovation, the Chamber should be focussing the innovation needed to reduce emissions and the jobs this will create. In the growing public spat between Apple and the Chamber we are definitely cheering for Steve. But he could do with some more heavyweight support. So which other IT executives are going to match Apple’s bold move? The stakes have never been higher for the climate. Apple’s move will throw an uncomfortable spotlight on any company that stays on in the Chamber but doesn’t act to change its policies.

Not bad considering how much shit they were throwing our way not long ago. Better yet, now the Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu, is saying how great we are too. Sadly, if you read that article where Chu is quoted, you’ll see the head of the chamber still talking shit about climate change. It’s pathetic.

Under pressure from Apple lovers (and truth lovers) the greentards at Greenpeace who put out their big report condemning iPhone now admit that, um, well, in fact iPhone actually complies with European regulations. So what the fuck was all that noise about then? As the good folks at The Register ask: “Why get stroppy when Apple has not exceeded the limits it has set itself or those imposed upon it by Europe’s RoHS regulations? What about all the other phone makers out there? We’d guess it’s because Apple is an easy target, and Greenpeace knows iPhone related commentary gains press coverage. Perhaps that’s why it’s chosen to lay into the Apple handset rather than others.”

Well I’m sitting here waiting for my perfectly safe iPhone to ring so that I can hear some smelly European grovel and apologize to me. But I’m not holding my breath.

Check out this disgusting, misleading video from the greentards. We know they’re funded by Microsoft, Nokia, Dell and God knows who else. Remember that when you watch this. Take it with a grain of salt. And yes, in case you’re wondering, we are going to sue these guys for trade defamation.

Now they’re after iPhone. See here. Money quote: “Steve Jobs has missed the call on making the iPhone his first step towards greening Apple’s products,” said Zeina Alhajj, Greenpeace International toxics campaigner. “It seems that Apple is far from leading the way for a green electronics industry as competitors, like Nokia, already sell mobile phones free of PVC.”

Like, um, yeah. If you buy an iPhone and smash it apart with a hammer and eat the pieces, you’re gonna get sick. We were going to have a big warning label somewhere inside said, “Harmful if swallowed. Do not ingest.” But then we realized that nobody in their right mind was going to try to smash and cook and eat an iPhone. We forgot, however, that this doesn’t rule out the greentards.

Check out this photo of a German police boat driving over some Greentards who were trying to protest at the G8. Bad news is no activists were killed; but one was sliced up pretty badly by the props, so it wasn’t a total loss. Katie Cotton is looking into buying a fleet of these boats for us, including one that I’ll drive that has a stealth-mode electric motor and a keel made of razor blades. Perfect for slicing and dicing Greenpeace hippies.

This really burns my ass. Greenpeace now says that as of May 2, Apple went green. In fact what happened is that on May 2 we explained to these morons that we’ve been greener longer than anyone else. Also, for all their bitching about Apple, please note what kind of computers the Greentards use. Hypocrites.

This crazy dude from Norway says we should sell trees on iTunes. See here. Money quote:

An “Apple-tree” is an audio- and/or a video-file where (hopefully!) Al Gore will thank you for buying an “Apple-tree”. He will then explain to you that by buying an “Apple-tree” you are actually buying endangered rainforests in the tropical belt around the world, which by itself is not enough to save the world but is an important contribution. Then he will give you a new tip with every purchase of an “Apple-tree”, of what you can do yourself to give the earth the upper hand in the battle against oblivion. There are several enterprises today that are planting or protecting the rainforest, so Apple would mainly be the front-end marketing arm.

Honestly, even Bono couldn’t dream up something this nuts.

God I have been waiting and waiting for this one. Finally someone has figured out what these shakedown artists at Greenpeace are all about, and dared to admit that they’re wrong about us. See here. Goddamn but Jerry York was right; we should never have put Al Gore on our board. Just makes us a target for loonies.

Much love, Businessweek. You are brave to publish this. Arik Hesseldahl, we are tearing up our old dossier on you and starting a new one, with fewer bad items. I mean it. Look for it soon. In the spirit of “radical transparency” I think we should share it. Mwah.

I’ve been dying to write about this but couldn’t until the news broke. Well, at last the truth comes out about Greenpeace. They are terrorists and criminals. Read this. Assaulting babies on the floor of the MacExpo show in London, after registering a booth under a false name. Nice people. Here’s their pathetic “who me?” defense.

You know what? Not only am I gonna go seal hunting with Larry this weekend. I’m also instructing our Chinese manufacturers to increase the amount of PVC in every Macintosh. You want war, Greenpeace? I’ll give you war.

You know what to do. Pull down the site. Trust me, things can get worse. A lot worse.