Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Worth noting: Eric never recused himself from our iPad discussions

And now they’re working on a tablet too, according to TechCrunch, which ran the above video today. It’s a Google demo of how Chrome OS might work on a tablet. TechCrunch also ran pix of some Google tablet mockups, which it found on a Chromium OS site. (See mockup photo below.) Funny thing is, that Google tablet bears a pretty striking resemblance to our iPad, doesn’t it? Pretty amazing coincidence that the freetards could get this knocked together just as we’re coming out with our tablet computer. I mean, it’s almost as if they knew what ours was going to look like, even before we announced it. But how could that be? How could anyone at Google possibly know what our iPad was going to look like? Oh wait.

And people wonder why I say that “Don’t be evil” is bullshit.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Are you sure you want iPad?

You know when you Google a particular term, and sometimes it comes back and says, “Did you mean...” for a response? An Irish kid went online to search how much disc space is on an iPad.  And Big G just kept politely telling him that really wasn’t what he was searching for after all.  Kids.

‘No we’re not,’ evil Googlers say

This is so lame. The Children of the Corn are now firing back, saying they’re not evil and I’m just afraid of Google and also that I’m a bad guy for calling them out for being such lying, hypocritical weasels. It’s just pathetic. Kids, you’re evil. I’m sorry, you are.

This is why people love working for me

Simple reason. Because I get up at Town Hall meetings and say things that are obviously true but that for some reason CEOs aren’t supposed to say in public.

Maybe you’ve heard about this post on the Wired blog about our Town Hall meeting last week where I said that Google’s “Don’t be evil” mantra is complete and utter bullshit. Well, that’s correct. I said it, and I’ll say it again: Google is full of shit. They are totally evil, and they are beyond dishonest — they are, in fact, so twisted and fucked-up that they are actually incapable of telling the truth. About anything. Ever. Ask Sergey what he had for lunch, he’ll lie about it. I have no idea why. Ask Larry Page if he knows what time it is, he’ll tell you he’s not wearing a watch — even though you’re both looking right at it. And if you say, Larry, I’m looking right at your watch, he’ll say, That’s not a watch. If you say, Well what is it then because it’s round and has numbers on it and you’re wearing it on your wrist, and he’ll say, I’m sorry, but we’re not required to disclose that.

Or let’s talk about Eric Schmidt. If you know anything about his personal life, then you’ll know that this is not a person to whom words like “honesty” and “transparency” apply. Katie says she still doesn’t understand how I didn’t take that into consideration before I put him on Apple’s board. She’s like, Dude, how do you figure that a guy who betrays the people closest to him won’t also betray his business partners?

She’s right. What was I thinking? I mean, I knew he was a scumbag. But we figured it would help us to have some kind of alliance with Google. Then we found out that Google doesn’t make alliances. Google pretends to make alliances just so they can steal stuff from you. Google makes overtures to startups about maybe wanting to buy them, just so they can perform due diligence and get inside their books and learn everything about their business. Then they go, Nah, thanks anyway, and they go create a knock-off.

As I told everyone at the Town Hall meeting, Google wants to kill the iPhone. They absolutely do. Luckily for us, they have no idea how to create a user interface, and even less idea how to do customer service. Also, despite what you’ve heard, they can’t write code for shit, and Android is a sloppy fucking mess.

Best thing for us is that Google honestly has no idea how to run an ecosystem of developers. See, the way to do that is to enable other people to make money on your platform. Even the idiots at Microsoft were smart enough to know that. The brainiac Children of the Corn at Google probably understand this too, but it’s just not in their DNA to let it happen. For these guys, it’s all or nothing. If there is anyone else on the planet making money doing anything, they will want to take it over. Telecom? Check. Energy? Yeah, they’ll do that. Medical equipment? Animal husbandry? Shoes and leather goods? Yes, yes and yes again. It’s how they’re wired.

And, of course, they’re all convinced that they’re not only the smartest people on the planet, but also the best and most ethical. That kind of hubris almost guarantees they will fail.

Nevertheless, I am going to enjoy knocking them out and taking a dump on their chests. I swear I’m going to relish every bit of it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Harvard lawyer who consults for Microsoft says Google is doing something evil with Google Toolbar

Gist is that even if you remove Google Toolbar it continues to spy on you. Or something. The whole mess can be found here and I defy anyone to dig through the whole thing.

FWIW, the big brain who did this research is named Ben Edelman, and he has a law degree plus a Ph.D. in economics, both from Harvard, and dual undergrad degrees, also from Harvard. According to his online bio, he consults for corporate clients, including Microsoft.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Evil Googzilla disrespects Aboriginal people and their sacred flag

So Google had some contest in Australia, asking schoolkids to create a Google logo. The kid who won the contest used the Aboriginal flag in her logo. The guy who designed the flag holds a copyright on the image, and he wanted to be paid. Apparently he did not get the memo about Google.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Yes, I support the government of China

Some humor Web site puts up a fake press release in which I endorse the concept of censorship and restricting information. The truth is, what really gets me on this whole China thing is the complete hypocrisy of everyone in the United States. Hillary Clinton gives them shit about hacking into our government servers and Google servers? Please. Do you realize how much hacking our own government does? Do you realize how much is going on all the time, and not just on our own citizens via the Patriot Act but also on foreign governments? We’re constantly cracking into everything. These black market sites where hackers sell whatever new exploits they’ve discovered in Internet Explorer — who do you think is the biggest customer on those sites? It’s our government, operating through fronts. Trust me, when they buy an exploit in IE, it’s not so they can alert Microsoft and get it fixed. Um, no. Quite the opposite. Part of the reason IE continues to suck so much, in fact, is that fronts working for the CIA and NSA buy up all the exploits and keep them secret.

As for Google suddenly growing a conscience, come on. You know why Sergey freaked?


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Much love, Jim Goldman

One thing we all love about Jim Goldman of CNBC is that when our PR team leaks him stuff, he runs it exactly the way we tell him to. I mean exactly. Like, word for word. He doesn’t try to put his own spin on it, or interpret it, or analyze it — he just does what a reporter is supposed to do, and he reports. He takes very careful notes, and double-checks the spelling of names. He also has very neat handwriting. But I digress.

Today our team informed the world, through Jim Goldman, that I hate Eric Schmidt. Jim didn’t play up the hate part of the story — in fact he buried it below some garbled stuff about Bing and Yahoo and Microsoft and the price of iron ore. But we knew once he put it out there others would jump on it, and sure enough, Silicon Alley Insider pounced on it and made the hate stuff their headline.

Now, hate is a strong word, and one that violates my Buddhist beliefs. So I guess I need to say that I don’t really hate Eric. It’s like Charles Bukowski says about cops: I just seem to feel better when he’s not around.

And it’s all about setting up the big divorce we’ve got planned with Google, which in case you hadn’t figured out, is why they made all that noise about China. They figure it’s a distraction, and makes them look good, and they figured that this could proactively remove some of the stink we’re going to put on them next week. It’s dumb and clumsy, but one thing you can say about Google is that while they are good at many things, marketing and communications are not among them.

PS, if anyone wants to put some fun voice balloons on that photo and send them to me, I’ll be very happy to post them.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Am I enjoying the Nexus One customer service fiasco? Well, yes

How can I not? I see stories like this one where people are bitching about all the customer complaints and frankly my heart just glows. I’ve been calling Eric’s office number using fake names and leaving messages on his voice mail about how I’m going to come over there and shove my Nexus One up his ass. And then there’s Woz, going around saying how much he loves his Nexus One. What can be done? With Woz, you just have to let go and let God. Sigh.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Memo to iGoogle team

Dear iGoogle team:

I love my iGoogle page.  I’ve got lotsa tabs and they’re jammed with contentcontentcontent.  I’ve even gotten over the fact you put the tabs on the side, thus wasting a lot of real estate, even on my wide screen.  Or the fact there’s a chat module on there I didn’t ask for and don’t use.  Or the fact you changed the format from a great four-columns down to max of three.  Or the canvas view thing, which no one uses.

Could you just remove the “prep page for the holidays” link?  Today’s January 10th, all day, Christmas was 16 days ago, and I’m sure the link isn’t referring to MLK day a week from tomorrow.

Thanks, appreciate it.