Saturday, May 22, 2010

If someone mentions Android, make sure you go totally nuts

Apple faithful,

It is 1984 all over again. Once again, we are under attack. This time the enemy is Google, and make no mistake — they want to kill us. They want it all.

Which is why, once again, I am calling upon all of you to join the jihad and fight the good fight. If you hear someone saying that they’re thinking about getting an Android phone, don’t just sit there! Spring into action. Get right up in their face and tell them how fucking stupid they are because iPhone is still a million times better than Android and they obviously don’t know anything about technology and they are so going to regret going to Android because it is totally crappy and flawed and immature.

If they already have an Android phone, just scoff at them for being so stupid and for making such an idiotic decision. I mean really get into it. Start foaming at the mouth. Scream if you need to. By all means make it personal. Make fun of this person! Mock them! Tell them you wish they could be forcibly sterilized by the state so they could not reproduce and pass on their imbecile genes. Your goal is to reduce this person to a puddle of tears — and, by virtue of this shaming, to make them want an iPhone.

Maybe you’re saying to yourself, Hey, why do I care what phone some other person uses? I know why I love my Apple phone, but maybe it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s a big world out there, people have different tastes, and I don’t care what kind of car they drive or what kind of wristwatch they wear, or how they dress, so why do I care what phone they use, blah blah.

Well, wait a minute. Hold up. You do care what phone they use. You just do. For one thing, you have a lot of money and time invested in iPhone. Hell, you waited in line for the damn thing. Remember that? And remember how cool and special and powerful you felt when you whipped it out in public and everyone around you was like, Whoa, is that the new iPhone? Are you some kind of wizard? Do you have magic powers?

Well, the magic is under attack. That’s why you care. It’s not about Apple. It’s about you.

So here’s what to do. If the person is a friend of yours, you say you are only attacking and insulting them because you care about them and don’t want to see them make a terrible mistake. If the person talking about Android is a complete stranger — say, someone at a nearby table in a restaurant that you’ve overheard talking to someone else — you are still well within your rights as an Apple owner to interrupt their conversation in the context of wanting to “share facts” and “set the record straight.”

If they give you shit about walking over to their table and ranting at them over what they considered to be a private conversation, just point out that they are the ones who started it, by criticizing Apple in a public place and spreading lies and FUD and false information about Apple products. Even if they were just talking about Android and did not even mention Apple, that in itself constitutes an implicit criticism of Apple, and you have every right to act.

Now for the talking points. We’re going to be sending these out in a mass email to iPhone owners, and also including the talking points on the home screen the next iPhone OS upgrade so you’ll have them handy wherever you go. But here are a few things you should say to counter the Android FUD:

* Why do you hate Apple so much? You seem really defensive, and angry. You seem to be taking this all so personally. You need to let go of your ego. Everything is not all about you.

* Apps. There are way more apps on iPhone OS. This will never change. Whatever the world looks like right now, that’s how it will be forever. Android will never catch up.

* Power users versus regular folks. Fair enough, you’re a super techie and can handle Android. Apple is designed for regular people who don’t want to worry about technology. By adopting Android, and helping Google succeed, you are hurting the regular folks who want to use Apple. Somehow.

* Vaporware. Android 2.2, aka Froyo, does not even exist yet. Unlike iPhone OS 4.0, which has already been demonstrated in public.

* Multitasking. You don’t need it. It’s a total red herring. When was the last time you did more than one thing on a phone? Also: Apple will have multitasking soon, so the point is moot.

* Music. You realize that playing music is one of the most important things a phone must be able to do, right? Well, Apple invented this thing called iTunes. Have you heard of it?

* Fragmentation. I’m trying to remember, how many versions of Android are there? Like sixty? And each one has a different user interface, and they’re always updating and changing and you have to go look up to see if your phone will run the new OS and it’s just so confusing and you’ll be tearing your hair out. With Apple, just one system. Simple. Ahhh.

* Google is big and evil and wants to steal all your personal information. Apple is all about freedom. And magical, childlike wonder.

* Flash. Apple won’t support it, Google will. Guess what? Flash drains your battery, and makes your phone so hot that it will set your hands on fire. So, yeah. You’re welcome.

* Porn. Did you know that Android was created by Google to help porn merchants sell dirty filthy porn on mobile phones so that porn-loving perverts could look at their smutty porn 24 hours a day and probably molest your kids?

* AT&T actually much better than Verizon. Faster 3G. Talk and surf Web at same time. As for dropped calls, all I can tell you is it has never happened to me or anyone I know, and the media has blown that issue way out of proportion.

* Browser. Forget the benchmarks that Google provides and just trust your own eyes. Safari is the fastest browser in the market. It’s 5-10x faster than any other browser.

* Ads. Ours are made by Apple. Theirs are not. Enough said.

* Spyware. You won’t get it on Apple. Android is crawling with it. Also, viruses. You’ll get viruses just by turning on your phone. If you’re on your home network, the virus could jump from your phone to every device on your network, even your WiFi router, and you will never get it out. The virus will spy on you and take pictures of you as you’re working and post those pictures on Facebook along with your credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, and a list of everything you’ve ever bought online. So, good luck with that.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

“One man, one company”

This just kills me. Now Google is rewriting history. Instead of saying they stole from us, and moved into our market, now they’re saying that they’re the good guys trying to save the world from big bad Apple. The money quote:

“If we did not act, we faced a draconian future, where one man, one company, one carrier was the future.”

Remember that quote because I’m pretty sure it’s one that people will bring up in years to come.

Next we’ll have Schmidt saying that when he was on our board he realized that we had sneaky longterm plans to crush Google’s advertising business by introducing a new mobile ad system and choking off all the other ad sellers. He’ll probably also say that Google had no choice but to make its own phones, its own mobile OS, its own browser, because he realized, at some point, that even though I had put him on my board, I was secretly planning to fuck him.

And now they’ve a Chrome browser that’s better than Safari; a mobile operating system that’s better than iPhone OS; a zillion different pieces of hardware at all sorts of price points on all sorts of carriers; and they’re supporting Flash just to make us look like selfish fascist dicks.

I need to go sit in my meditation room and scream for a while.

Seriously bad flashbacks … must get to my happy place …

I’m watching the Android stuff today and it feels like the 80s all over again

We’re tuned in to the coverage on Business Insider and it appears they’re mocking me, mocking iPad, tethering an iPad to an Android phone (ha ha), also claiming they’re faster, and basically no longer even pretending that we are not totally at war. As Biz Insider says: “Talking smack on the iPad and its inability to play Flash videos. It’s on.” Showing some music stuff, like buying directly from the Web and streaming from a computer. “All of a sudden, with the touch of a button, you can now stream all your songs from your library to an Android device and interact with it as if it was really on your phone.”

And all I can think is, I trusted these fuckers, and they stole from me, and now they’re giving this shit away to the whole fucking world and yes there’s fragmentation and no control and porn and messiness, but Goddammit it feels like I’ve seen this movie before:

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Yale to Google: No thanks

The university has canceled plans to move everyone onto Gmail and other Google Apps, after computer science professors warned them (a) Google can’t keep its own stuff secure, let alone yours, as the recent shitstorm with the Chinese demonstrated; and (b) Google is evil. Bite a dick, Eric. And by the way, the Gizmodo guys hired a body language expert who says you’re scared shitless of me. Which you should be, because I’m a third-degree black belt in tai chi and if I wanted to I could karate chop through your ribs and tear your heart out of your chest cavity and eat it while you watched. And have I mentioned my nanoengineered liver?

Sleep with one eye open, you big pussy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Google Eric Schmidt is evil

Heil, Schmidt!

You know, a company is only as good or as bad as the people behind it. And right now, Google is clearly schizophrenic. Sergey and Larry, they’re still idealists, they really believe their company can be good, not evil, while the guy running the operation for them, Squirrel Boy, is no better than than the guy described in this posting by Dear Leader – and in all fact, is probably worse. He’s got one recently retired Yahoo engineer thinking of him in terms of Hitler – which means Eric better hire a personal bomb removal squad to precede him before he enters any room –

For a price, this can be directed at almost any private citizen within continental USA

though these days, people are more likely to use one of these babies, if they grease the right palms in the Defense Department or the CIA or even the guys that manufacture them. Actually, Eric is reminding me a lot of Richard Nixon and his crew. Very sneaky, underhanded, lot of dirty tricks and constant denials, despite the evidence. For instance, if you’ve got a web presence but somehow rubbed Eric or one of his upper level minions the wrong way – congratulations! – you’ve made the infamous Google blacklist – which means you don’t don’t show up at all on Google web search, unless you’ve got a set of lawyers more squirrelly than Google’s. Then, of course, we all remember whenever you did a web search for news of the iPad in the first few days after its debut, nothing but negative reviews and so-so reports at the top of the search, while the search results with negative reviews of the Nexus One were absolutely buried. Now if this doesn’t come off as monopolistic anti-competitive behavior, I don’t know what does – and I know this behavior is monopolistic and anti-competitive.

Schmidt is shit! Schmidt is shit! Schmidt is shit! Schmidt is shit!

Brin and Page and all the other shareholders out there, before the government steps in and installs oversight over every company that is in the search engine business – starting with yours –

Page, Brin, it pains me that we're apart, but I feel betrayed ... but you can make this right ... it is within your power ... look inside yourselves

do the right thing – purge this asshole and his dingleberries from your company now – and you will not only be on the road to being not evil again – you will also be in good graces with Saint Steve, once more.

For the sake of the children.

UPDATE: You wanna’ another reason to have the stockholders dump Squirrel Boy? Read this and then pass it around. Microsoft should be suffering the worst case of indigestion by a corporation since the Time-Warner AOL merger, but Schmidt The Shit screwed that up big time. Sometimes it’s best to shut up and let your enemies hang themselves. Unfortunately, it looks like Schmidt may be single-handedly hanging Google.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Google grows even more obnoxious

This anyway is the takeaway from a speech that Dr. Strangelove gave in Abu Dhabi. Fortune reported on it but of course didn’t have the balls to flat-out say that Schmidt & Co. are totally egomaniacal sociopaths drunk with their own power. No, for that bit of truth-telling we needed Valleywag/Gawker, which took the same material and put a better headline on it: “Six Delusions of Google’s Arrogant Leaders.”

It’s familiar stuff. Like, when people complain about Google invading their privacy, it’s not Google’s fault, it’s that the poor end users are confused, or stupid, or both. Like, Google isn’t about making money, yet the proof of Google’s virtue is how much money it’s making, and how well its stock price is doing, ie, the fucks on Wall Street are now the world’s best moral compass.

Best part is that apparently Eric claimed Google had figured out how to predict the stock market but had decided against doing it because “we decided it was illegal.” I’m not sure what exactly they had planned, so who can say on the legality part, but let’s just ponder this for a second. Google’s top brass believes they are so smart that they could predict the stock market, if they chose to do so.

Really? Seriously? What else could Google do? Change the weather? Communicate with the dead? Choose winners at the race track? I used to think Larry Ellison was the craziest, self-adoringest buffoon I’d ever met. But Eric, congratulations. You now have nudged into the lead. Even Microsoft was never this awful. And that’s saying something.

China to Google: Drop dead

Minister of Information Technology says Google must obey the laws or leave, and China doesn’t give a crap because they’ll be just fine without Google. (Especially since they apparently can waltz into Google’s servers whenever they want, steal Google’s algorithms, and create Google clones.) Now, I’m no fan of censorship, except when I’m the one doing it, in which case I’m all for it, but I must say I am loving this — seeing someone, finally, who isn’t afraid of Google and will just tell them, straight up, that they are totally full of shit and should just go fuck themselves. Smell the glove, Eric Schmidt. Smell it.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The noun that became a verb

Don’t know why Mosspuppet has served this one up, but here you go.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Google closer to Office showdown with DocVerse purchase

Google’s latest purchase of the week is DocVerse, a company that lets Office users edit their docs collaboratively on the Web. Kara puts the tab at anywhere from $25-30 million.