Monday, March 26, 2007

This options thing actually has nothing to do with me

So I was talking to Jerry York about all this legal stuff. He says there’s nothing he can do to pull strings in Washington. The orders on this one go all the way to the top. He says that first of all the Bushies are pissed cause I’ve been such a vocal supporter of Democrats. But also, the real target, according to Jerry, isn’t me — it’s Al Gore. Basically the Bushies want to tar him with this, and I’m just caught in the crossfire. The Repubes figure they can neutralize Al and keep him from running. They don’t need to bring charges — yet. But when they do, it’s not just the management team that’s gonna get hit, it’s the board too.

Jerry’s like, Kid I told you from the start we shouldn’t put that retard on the board, with all this global warming bullshit and his big fat dumb drawl and all his political enemies. Do you realize how much Bush hates this guy? And you go and put him on your board. Smart, kid. Friggin brilliant. You knew last summer that he was nuts. Hell, he called and told you himself that he’s wacky. Damn, kid.

So here’s how the feds operate

They know they have no real case against me. It’s been months, and they’ve brought no charges. Right? They’ve looked at this thing a zillion ways to Sunday. They’ve gone up my ass with a scope. And they’ve got nada. Zilch. Bupkis. So what do they do? They resort to leaking smears, like this piece of crap in the Chronicle. Who do you think all the “anonymous sources” and “people close to the matter” are? It’s the frigtards in the U.S. Attorney’s office. And the bozos at the Chron think they’re getting some huge Woodward and Bernstein scoop. It apparently never occurs to them that if these dudes actually had a case they wouldn’t be leaking halfwitted stories to the papers.

It’s straight out of the Eliot Spitzer playbook. Look what that asshole did to Hank Greenberg of AIG. Tried to force him into some awful settlement and threatened to smear him in the press unless he caved.

Well, Hank didn’t cave. And neither will the Jobsmeister. You should see the “settlement” they’re trying to get me to take. It’s a joke. And it’s not just money. They’re talking about community service too. I’m like, Dudes, I’ve already done my community service. I’ve given the world OS X, the iMac and the iPod. And the iPhone is right around the corner. Community service? You should be giving me a Nobel prize.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

The lawyers are freaking out

They’re like, Jobso, dude, what are you thinking? You’re blogging again? We told you, you can’t be out there making fun of the SEC lawyers and U.S. attorneys at the same time they’re trying to bring a case against you. I’m like, You know what? It’s PR. It’s marketing. It’s the battle for public opinion. Everybody else who gets in trouble like this, like Martha and Quattrone, first thing they do is clam up. And all it does is make things worse. It makes them look guilty. And I’m not guilty. So I’m not going to apologize. And I’m not gonna shut up. Honestly. I’m blogging, and they can eat my friggin shorts. They think they’re gonna push me around? I’m friggin Steve Jobs! I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? So look, SEC dudes and US attorneys and Eliot Spitzer and whoever else. Here’s my deal. You want to rumble? You want to make your bones by taking down a celebrity CEO? Bring the noise, frigtards. I’ll give you a war like you’ve never seen.

I told the Apple lawyers this. Look, I know you went to law school. I know you understand the law. We hope. But you don’t understand marketing. You don’t understand public image. That’s my specialty. I’m the greatest friggin show on earth. Trust me on this one. I know what I’m doing.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Another trick I’m using with the feds

We had a bunch of them in here yesterday. So here’s what I do. No matter what question they ask, like even if they start by asking my name and address, I pause like three minutes, with my hands pressed together, and then I ask them to repeat the question. And on questions that are more complicated than name, rank and serial number, I look for tiny discrepancies in the way they ask the first time and the way they ask the second time. This requires enormous concentration because you have to memorize the first question exactly and then remember it word for word and compare it to the second version of the question. Luckily for me, in addition to having a photographic memory, I also have the auditory equivalent of a photographic memory. I hear a song once and can repeat every word. That kind of thing. So. I ask them to repeat the question. When they do, I tell them that they didn’t ask it the same as the first time, and which version do they want me to answer?

For example, first time out, the Fed asks me, “Do you recall a meeting with Mr. Anderson in July of 2001 where options grants were discussed?” I wait, silent, hands folded, thinking. Several minutes pass. Finally I ask him to repeat the question. He says, “Do you remember talking to Fred Anderson about options in July 2001?” I go, “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to know about a meeting. Isn’t that what you asked me? If we had a meeting?” He goes, “Did you have a conversation?” I go, “Well, which question do you want me to answer?”

And on and on and on. Drives them nuts. I love it.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

So about my big interview with the feds

I’m sure you’ve seen all the stories about how I got grilled by some feds last week. It’s true. I did. You cannot believe what total a-holes these guys are. First of all, our PR people asked for a list of questions in advance, and sent back a list of which ones would be allowed, and I had my answers all ready. So what did they do? Right off the bat they go off the list. I’m like, Okay, that’s it, this interview is over. I worked this out beforehand with your producers and if you’re not going to stay on message and talk about the iPhone and the next version of OS X, then you’re wasting my time. These guys informed me that they were going to ask me whatever they wanted, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m like, Dude, is this true? My lawyers are like, Um, yeah, pretty much. So fine. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m like, Go ahead, ask me anything. So they were totally trying to trick me, asking the same questions again and again, seeing if I’d answer differently. It’s pure evil. They’re totally just trying to trap you on some minor bullshit like they did with Martha.

So what I did was this. Whatever they asked me I would fold my hands in front of my face, the way I do, and I would wait a long, long time, like a few minutes, as if I were trying to think of an answer — then I’d go, I’m sorry, could you repeat the question? Then when they asked the question again, I’d say something like, “I don’t know.” Or, “I don’t remember.” Or, “Pass. Next category.” Drove them nuts, let me tell you. The whole time, meanwhile, I was working my hypnosis on them. One guy went under right away. I saw his eyes roll up in his head, his tongue start to hang out. Then his boss saw what I was doing and snapped him out and told me to stop screwing around. I’m like, “Why, what are you gonna do? Arrest me for talking? Can you do that? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking?” And as I said this I was just staring into his eyes, making him go wobbly. He’s like, “Mr. Jobs, stop it. I’m serious. Stop that. This is a serious matter.”

Well, it was more or less like that for eight hours and then finally they got fed up and let me go.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Adios, frigtard

Well, today’s a too-fer, as in two-for-one. First we blew out our numbers, and then we got our pals in Washington to fire this bonehead US Attorney who’s been hassling us on the options. See here and here. And we made sure they wrote it up that “Kevin Ryan is leaving to spend time with his family,” so everybody would understand that people were bitching about this guy and so Washington canned him for trying to lead some egomaniacal crusade against Apple even though, as I’ve said time and time again, no crime was committed. So look, Kevin V. Ryan. You want to come out here to my Valley and push Steve Jobs around? You want to play hardball, ese? I think you must be loco. Mess with the dudes from Brocade if you want, fair enough. But try to tangle with the Jobsmeister and it’s like having sex with a porcupine, if you get my drift. I run this Valley. And Hollywood too. So this time you messed with the wrong genius, you big dope. You tried to punch above your weight, and you got TKO’d.

Much love to Jerry York and his shadowy pals in D.C., and also who could overlook the huge contribution of my dear friend Mr. Albert Gore Jr. Not to mention Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi. If you want to understand a little of the subtleties of this matter, I urge you to check out who appointed Kevin V. Ryan and then consider who’s in power today in Washington. Food for thought. It’s a new day for all of us. Now we just need to get this friggin iPhone to work right by June, and Bob’s yer fookin uncle, as Bono would say.