Thursday, April 1, 2010

Chalk one up for the freetards

SCO finally lost the big one against Novell. But the damn thing refuses to go quietly, it’s still pursuing its first lawsuit against IBM, which now not only has not even a leg to stand on nor a stool seat for missing legs to prop up, doesn’t even hold water as the bucket has no bottom, is stillborn in the womb but damn it to hell, they gonna’ nurse this foetus all the way to full term. Talk about living in the unreal world. It’s basically a vehicle for lawyers on both sides to milk it until those teats are spent and deflated and flapping like pancakes and excreting dustbunnies and whistling trapped air. This is why Samuel Adams said “First, shoot the lawyers!!!” [ed. actually it was Wm. Shakespeare:”The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers, Henry The Sixth, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2, 71–78]. Then he invented beer.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Suit-tard tries to take Sprint & Samsung to court

Jennifer Smith’s mom died in a car accident last year, hit by someone who was on their cell phone.  No doubt, a tragic situation, and a terrible loss for Smith.  But. Now Smith is suing the carrier (Sprint) and phone maker (Samsung) because she says those parties should have warned people about the dangers of talking and driving. A sad story, but ultimately, nice try.  They have done that, and this is not the first time such a suit has surfaced.stupidity

Friday, December 21, 2007

EFF lawyers preparing for more victories

Great news, scumbag bloggers. Following their decisive Think Secret victory over Apple, the EFF legal staff (photo) is already working on a worldwide program aimed at helping other bloggers obtain similar cash-for-silence settlements. “Operation Freedom,” as they’re calling it, will extend far beyond Apple. Mini-Microsoft? For a hundred grand he goes dark. Scoble? Surely someone would pay him to never write another word about anything. Daily Kos? Already for sale; you just need to outbid the Democrats. Valleywag? Take up a collection in the Valley and they’re gone. All those bloggers in Pakistan, and Iran, and North Korea, and China? You’ve built valuable assets, and now, thanks to some powerless government agencies who will be willing to suffer humiliating losses at the hands of your EFF-appointed legal team, you’ll have a way to monetize those assets and retire in comfort. It’s a win-win all around.

We’re launching a blogger amnesty program

In the wake of our devastating loss to Nick dePlume of Think Secret (photo) we are considering rolling out an amnesty program to other Apple bloggers in which they would accept a cash payment in return for a promise never to write another word about Apple for as long as they live. Naturally after this they too could claim victory and hail themselves as champions of the First Amendment. Payments TBD based on how much of a pain in the ass you are to us. Highly ethical and unbiased journos like Goatberg, Smurfy Pogue and Daniel Eran Dilger obviously are not eligible to participate. But the rest of you scumbags? Drop a dime. Let’s talk.

Bloggers, here’s your chance to be heroes. Follow in the brave footsteps of Nick Ciarelli. Strike a blow for freedom of the press. Become a standard-bearer for journalists everywhere. Accept money in exchange for shutting the fuck up. Stick it to the man, baby. EFF lawyers are standing by, ready to take your calls.

Think Secret lawyer declares victory over Apple

See this article in ComputerWorld and this blog post from Saul Hansell of the New York Times and this blog post from a lawyer for the Electronic Frontier Foundation. Nicholas Ciarelli aka Nick dePlume and his bonehead lawyer (photo) are working overtime to claim victory in a case that ended with Nick having to shut down his blog. Money quote from Nick’s lawyer cited in the CW article: “The First Amendment has prevailed,” said Terry Gross of Gross & Belsky LLP, “and every Internet journalist should feel some strength from what’s happened.” That is followed soon after by this gem: “Today, unlike blogosphere commentators, Gross claimed the settlement was a loss for Apple, not Ciarelli or other bloggers.”

A loss for Apple? A victory for the First Amendment? Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. This is straight out of Orwell.

Later Gross says, “I would have loved for Apple to go forward on this.” Oh really? Then why did you take the money and run?

Yup, feel strength, O bloggers. Know that should you ever get into trouble with a big huge mean-ass company, your EFF-appointed lawyer will make sure your blog gets its punk ass shut down. Great work, EFF. You’ve struck a blow for freedom.

Shareholder suits: These whingeing bastards won’t go away

My goodness. These idiots already got spanked once but now they’re back again with an amended complaint saying I’m a bad guy and did something funky with options and they all want some of our money waaaaa …

Money quote: “The suit also takes issue with an Apple special committee finding that only two former company executives engaged in backdating options. The special committee exonerated Jobs, saying he was not aware of stock options accounting rules and had not personally profited from the backdated shares. The lawsuit, however, alleges that Jobs was allowed to exchange 55 million backdated options for an equal value of Apple stock, which totalled 10 million shares.”

Look. We conducted a thorough investigation. Al Gore, one of the world’s leading experts on forensic accounting, signed off on the whole thing. I had nothing to do with any of this. It was two of my direct reports, operating completely without my knowledge or consent. There’s nothing to see here, folks. Let’s just move along, shall we? Much love to Pravin for keeping us up to date on this.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Suing me is like suing God

But I guess this guy is gonna try anyway. Claims we misled him by not disclosing that the battery on his iPhone is soldered into the frame. Let me make a prediction: We’re going to win this one.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Another nuisance suit

So we produce the finest portable computers ever known to mankind, and some greedy opportunists nevertheless see this as a chance to get rich by filing a lawsuit. See here and here. These frigtards are accusing us of false advertising about our displays. Or are they? This was reported on Engadget, after all, and we know how reliable they are. The giveaway that this might be another hoax: Plaintiffs claim the “display problems are not visible when they boot Windows XP on their Intel-based MacBooks and MacBook Pros, suggesting that Apple’s operating system is to blame.” Er, right. Engadget, you might want to double-check your “sources” on this one.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Here’s the guy who wants to put Dear Leader behind bars

Meet Michael Wang. Soon to be Wong. He’s one of the dicks in the San Francisco U.S. Attorney’s office, and he’s got a total hard-on for yours truly. He’s young, and wound super tight in the way that only Asian dudes can be. Like if he’d ever got less than a 100 on a test in college he would have killed himself. Unfortunately this never occurred, so he lived to go on to law school and now gets to torment me.

See a story about him here. They make a big deal out of what an “animal” he is. Which is true. He’s kind of a marmoset, I’d say. But no worries. El Jobso has a few animals of his own on his legal team, including one guy who only works undercover, off the record, not for attribution. Jerry York lined him up. Not going to say what he does for us, but put it this way: The Gambino family keeps him on permanent retainer.

By the way the stuff in the story about Wang planning to change his name to Wong is true. It’s the first thing our “Attorney X” turned up when he started doing his background work. Apparently Michael pronounces “Wang” so that it rhymes with “Wong” but people have always mispronounced it and called him “wang” as in “rhymes with rang.” And he really, really does not like the wang jokes, which he endured all through Harvard Law School. Well, ever since we learned this we’ve made a point to call him “wang” (as in “rang”). We also say, “Dang!” a lot. And we have our paralegals come to meetings with him wearing iPods that are cranked up load enough so everyone can hear them, and we’ll have them listening to the classic “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” and “Wango Tango” by the Nuge or “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by Wang Chung.

He never says anything. But he knows we’re doing it on purpose. And it drives the friggin kid nuts, I swear.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Mark Hurd of HP, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers on this

Not cool, Mark. Stealing my image and using it to sell your crappo machines? Man and I thought spying on your employees was as low as you would go.