Thursday, October 5, 2006

So Charles Manson calls

And he goes, Look, before you sign on with the Muslims at least give our frat a listen to, okay? Fact is, you’re gonna get a lot of offers to rush just about every frat there is, we know that, you’re a popular guy. So the question is, Which of these groups offers you the best selection of opportunities? I’d like you to consider our little brotherhood. We’ve got great food, snacks available 24×7, and I think you’ll agree our living quarters are a wee bit nicer than what you see on the average floor. Thing is, I’m getting old, and I’m tired, and I’m looking for someone to take over. And by the way don’t you ever tell anyone I said that or I’ll slit your fucking throat and bathe in your blood you fucking pig I swear I’ll do it. Um, sorry. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah. The leadership question. Fact is, I been watching you, Jobso. You’re good. You’re very good. You’ve got the whole cult thing down. Nice beard, too, by the way. And the Zen thing. Super touch. Question is, Can you make people kill for you? I think you can. You’ve just got to reach down inside yourself and find that little inner demon. You know he’s in there. Oops, gotta go. Pigs are going around rounding up the cell phones. Look don’t give anyone this number okay? You promise? Then say it! Say it out loud and promise me you miserable scumfuck or I swear I’ll take the form of a bird and fly out of this place in the middle of the night and attack you in your sleep and gouge your fucking eyes out. Oh man. Sorry. Gotta go. Sorry. Love you too. Bye.

So DeShaundre X calls

And says, Steve, all you need to do is to convert to Islam. We’ll take you in, don’t worry. And we’ll protect you. You’ll see when you get here. Such inner peace. As-Salamu Alaikum, my brother.

So John Coffey calls

And he says, You know what, you looking mighty good in them jeans, there, boy. Just kidding. I’m a gentle giant. Oh, gotta go. My little pet mouse just done died on me again. Gotta bring him back to life. See ya soon. Don’t bother packing soap, I’ll just leave a bar on the floor for you.

So Nelson Mandela calls

And he goes, My dear friend I suppose now you wish you had never made those comparisons of yourself to me. A little too close for comfort as you say. Well it is not so bad. Try to pray when they are beating you. Or think about the women you will attempt to bone when you are released. And bring a good book. Something you can read over and over and over again. One of the Harry Potters would be good, preferably the last one which is very long so will occupy more of your time. Though Sorcerer’s Stone remains my favorite. I know. I’m too sentimental.

So Lynndie England and her creepy boyfriend call

And they’re like, Ya know, We’ve done some bad stuff in our time, but come on. Backdating options to boost your returns and thereby incrementally diminishing the value of stock held by average shareholders? You make us puke, Mr. Macintosh. And oh, by the way, everybody in here says the Zune is gonna kick the iPod’s butt. We’re all putting them on our Christmas gift lists.

So Ted Kaczynski calls

And he’s like, Um, look, I know I wrote all that anti-technology stuff, but I’m going nuts in this place. They call it Supermax, so I figured it’s gonna be some kind of wicked-ass department store like a Wal-Mart Supercenter or a Big K where you can get groceries and golf clubs and inflatable swimming pools. But you know what? You can’t get shit in this place. This whole “super” appellation is a total misnomer. So look, if you’re coming to Florence, could you bring old K-Dawg a video iPod loaded up with, I don’t know, a couple of seasons of Dancing with the Stars, or some episodes of that new racially segregated Survivor? I heard the Asians kicked ass. Big surprise.

So Suge Knight calls

And he’s like, Bro, I know you musta heard all that shit about how scary it is inside and all the shit that goes down inside. Well let me just tell you, bro, it ain’t like that at all. That’s just shit people make up to be scary or whatever. Truth is, all you gotta do is this. First day you’re in, you meet your cellmate, and you just decide right then and there, Do you wanna be the husband, or do you wanna be the wife? What’s that? You wanna be the husband? Okay, cool. That’s fine. No problem. No just come on over here and suck your new wife’s dick. Ha! Punk!

So Fred Anderson calls

And he goes, You bastard. You think I’m taking the fall for you? I’m gonna roll, bitch. You know I will. Look at this place. There isn’t a prison built that can hold the Fredinator. Damn. Hey, get your hands off me! I’m serious! Hey! Where’s my lawyer? Where’s my friggin lawyer?

So Mark Hurd calls

And goes, I hear nothing! I see nothing! I know nothing!

So Pattie Dunn calls

And she says, Have you considered the chemo excuse? My lawyer calls it the “chemo schemo.” Buys you at least a year before they have a trial, he says. Think about it, honey. Now I gotta go meet with some DOJ folks and spill the beans on Mark Turd. Adios.