Thursday, August 10, 2006

So Michael Dell calls

And he says, Ya know, I can’t read so good what with having only one good eye, as you pointed out recently, and also we kinda get the papers a few days late down here in Buttfriggerville, but, ah, from what I can see, and again, granted I got only one good eye, looks to me mebbe thangs ain’t looking so good for you these days, either, right? I mean, hell, we coulda put up good numbers too I guess if we left out some of our expenses. Oh well. You need any help restating those numbers, just call. We got some dumbass Texas accountants down here, can straighten your ass out.

So Bill Lerach calls

And goes, Hey, let’s test your ESP abilities. I’m thinking of a number between seven hundred million and nine hundred million … any guesses? Call me and let’s do this the easy way.

So Michael Eisner calls

And he’s like, Steve, Steve, Steve, I need your help on something, I’m out in the Hamptons and I’m doing a crossword puzzle here and I’m trying to remember that word that you Eastern religion hippie freaks are always using … what is it? Five letters, begins with K. Kurma? Korma? No, that’s some kind of Indian food. Oh wait. Karma. That’s it, isn’t it? Karma? I think that’s it. Great. Whew! But anyway, so what’s new? I’m a little out of touch these days, haven’t been reading the papers, just out here on vacation enjoying myself. Any news on the Disney front? Or at Apple? What’s going on? Heard those iPods are selling like crazy. Good for you, Steve, really. Good for you. Couldn’t be happier for you. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Really. I mean it. You get my drift? Peace out, as the kids say.

So Michael Moore calls

And he says, Look, Steve, I’m standing outside your building with a film crew and your dickhead security goons won’t let me in. Yeah, you, buddy, I just called you a dickhead, so deal with it. Not you, Steve. Sorry. I’m talking to your security goon. Steve, I’m doing this movie about corporations, about this options stuff, I mean people don’t realize how the top half a percent in this country just enrich themselves on the backs of the workers, and I’m standing right here, Steve, okay, I’m right here, and I’m ready to hear your side of it, and I just think you ought to consider what this is gonna look like if you refuse to come down and talk to us, okay? Does the name Dick Clark ring any bells? Or Roger Smith at GM? You’re gonna look like that, Steve, like a corporate bastard. These guys keep giving me this crap about how you’re not even in the building but I know you’re in there. Oh, wait, here comes the PR lady, isn’t this nice, oh this is fantastic, are the cameras rolling? Are we rolling? Good, I want every last drop of this, seriously, it’s pure spun gold. Seriously.

So Mel Gibson calls

And he’s like, Hey, man, I’m sitting here in rehab feeling sorry for myself and then I saw what they’re doing to you and I’m like, You know what? I’m a lucky man. Believe me, I know how it feels to have these bastards hunting you down. Now they’ve got me stuck here in this f-ing rehab place, sitting around playing Monopoly with Tom Sizemore who I guess basically lives here now whenever he’s not on a show. Anyway, just saying hi and don’t let the bastards get you down. Goddamn Jews.

So Lou Gerstner calls

And he goes, Wait a minute, who’s this? Steve? Wait. This is Steve Jobs? Shit. I was calling for Jerry York. Returning his call. Musta got the numbers mixed up. Awkward. Yes. Sorry for this. Sorry to bug you. Wrong number. Bye.

So Tom Mesereau calls

And he goes, I know, I know, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, I don’t need representation. Fair enough, everyone thinks that, and I’m just calling to plant a seed. Cause I’m sure you know who I am, and I’m sure you know that I’m pretty darn good at what I do. I mean, the words “Michael Jackson” and “acquitted” aren’t exactly supposed to show up in the same sentence, right? Well it’s nothing for Mesereau the Magnificent! Nothing up my sleeve – presto! You’re acquitted. I’m like David Copperfield. Just look at my hair! And yes, it’s real. Do you want to touch it? You know you do. Anyway, just an idea for you to tuck away, I’m thinking in your case we do the Johnnie Cochran strategy, make you sympathetic to the jury, you know, like, If the dude can’t count, then it don’t count. Good stuff, right? Good stuff. So call me.

So Bill Gates calls

And he’s laughing and in that nasal voice of his he goes, Hey, Steve, bummer that this all happened right before the big Worldwide Developers Conference, huh? I mean it kind of takes a little shine off the Apple, right? Man oh man, I’m sorry. I crack myself up sometimes. But I sympathize, Steve. I do. Seriously. I mean, it’s all so random. Like, all this hassle over, what, like 5 million shares or something? Totally random. I mean, what are 5 million Apple shares worth today, like $350 million? Oh, hold on, wait. You know what I just did? I just cut a fart that was worth $350 million, Steve. I mean, really, I did. This is messed up. Anyway, if you need any help, like another bailout or something, Daddy’s right here, just pick up the phone. And hey, a little advice is you should definitely try out the “Yes, I’m the CEO, but I didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t know it was wrong” defense. Worked pretty good for Ken Lay. Hey, by the way, while I’ve got you on the phone, is it true you had a party with an ice sculpture peeing vodka? That is so classy. What? Oh, right, that was Dennis Kozlowski. Sorry, I get you guys mixed up sometimes. Well, good luck, man. You know everyone in the industry is rooting for you, cause you’ve been so nice to everyone over the years. Really. We’ve all got your back, bro.

So Jerry York calls

And he goes, Kid, I’m in f-ing Macau taking care of something, and I just heard about this, and I know you know what I’m talking about, so kid, what the f- is going on over there? I mean, how many times I gotta tell you? What the f- is wrong with you, kid? And don’t tell me you didn’t know, cause f- that, kid, you think I’m stupid? You think I don’t got people who talk to me? Don’t insult me. I’m flying back tomorrow and I’m gonna come see you, kid, and we’re going to have a talk, okay? I mean a talk talk, capeesh?

So Al Gore calls

And he’s like, Uh, yeah, uh, hi Steve, uh, ya know, I been doing some more thinking and uh, ya know, uh, I know we talked about me staying on the board and all, but you know what, I been thinking about it some more, and I think maybe it probably is a good idea for me to step down after all, cause, I don’t know, I got so much on my plate these days, and, uh, like I’m maybe gonna make a run in 2008 which is pretty much gonna eat up even more of my time, so, uh, we okay on this? You understand? And I just want you to know, I’m not doing this cause I think being on your board is gonna hurt my reputation or something, I think Apple is a fantastic company, so that’s just not what this is about. I’m just way too busy. Really, really, really busy. Okay? I didn’t even know about this SEC thing, honest. Anyway, I’m soooo busy, in fact, hey, I gotta call here, gotta take this, okay, later, gotta run.