Friday, January 4, 2008

So maybe there is a God

So maybe it’s not yet time to join hands and sing “Ding dong, the witch is dead,” but man oh man you can kind of feel that day coming, can’t you? As many of you know, I’ve had some nasty run-ins with the Clintstones and I don’t exactly hold them in high regard. Frankly, I can’t stand them. And I can’t tell you how glad I was to see this mean old grimbo get her big garbage-bag-full-of-oatmeal ass spanked in Iowa last night. Unless or until Al Gore enters the race, I’m supporting Obama. The guy was amazing last night. That speech! Yes, I did recently say that Obama was “a nice guy, but a lightweight.” You know what? I was wrong. Because no lightweight could have beaten the shit out of the Clintstone political machine the way he did. Clearly Obama is not just extremely smart and a great speaker, but he knows how to run a campaign, and he knows how to stay cool, and he knows how to fight. My sense is he’s tougher than he looks, but that he downplays his toughness.

As Peggy Noonan put it in this smart essay, “He took mama to school.”

Or as readers of this blog might say, Hillary got pwned by a n00b. Amazing. And such great news for all of us. I just hope Obama can stay tough because the Clintstones are now going to unleash every low blow and dirty trick in their arsenal. Nothing, and I mean nothing, fights like a cornered Clintstone.

Meanwhile, what’s to say about Huckabee, with his corn-pone aw-shucks Gomer Pyle act and his bass playing and his self-deprecating humor? All I need to know about him is that he says he wants to take this nation back for Christ. In my book that’s it. Sorry. You’re done. Out. Gone. Bye. I mean stuff like that scares the living shit out of me. Funny thing is I’m pretty sure Jesus would hate this asshole just as much as I do.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I forgot to mention Ron Paul

Just realized I forgot to mention Ron Paul in my previous item. I find him intriguing. Mostly because he was the only one who didn’t come knocking on my door hoping to meet me. In fact we had to reach out to him. Even then he said he didn’t really know who I was and he was kind of busy and he didn’t think he could fit me in and what would be the point of this visit?

So in the end I had to go to him. He was down in Los Angeles for part of a day so I flew there and had breakfast with him. He’s pro-drugs. Great. Wants us out of Iraq. Great. Wants to reduce the size of government and wipe out taxes. Fantastic.

Only sticking points for me are the fact that he’s a Republican and the fact that he’s got this pro-life stance. I’m like Dude, is there any chance you could switch over and be a third-party candidate because I can’t vote for a Republican. And dude, on this pro-life thing, you gotta lets the ladies control their lady parts, ya know what I’m saying? But he says it’s a matter of principle.

So that’s it. I’m stumped. There’s nobody I can vote for. But I must say, I really liked Ron Paul. Maybe it’s just because I know he can’t win. I always go for the ones like that — Nader, Jerry Brown. Oh well. I’ve heard there’s lots of grassroots support for Ron Paul, so maybe he does have a chance. Anyone heard anything? And if so, could we somehow get him to drop this crazy pro-life position?

I’m up in the air on this election

So one good thing about being the most powerful person in the universe is that I can pretty much get access to anyone I want. In the case of politicians, most of them are begging to see me. And yes, I’ve met with a bunch of them, even some of the Repubes, just to hear them out. They all pretend like they just want to get my input on policy and sound me out for possible cabinet positions (right; as if) but I know what they’re really after is my money and that’s fine too. Because what is the point of having loads of money if you can’t use it to make other powerful people grovel and dance like puppets on strings?

So here’s the rundown. Obama is a nice guy, but a lightweight. Hillary scares the shit out of me and makes me glad once again that our management team and board of directors are entirely male. Edwards? Two words: The hair. Kucinich I like, the way you like some sweet fruitcake uncle who shows up every year at Thanksgiving and talks about UFOs; but I’m not letting him get his hand on the big red button. Biden? He’s a vacuum cleaner salesman. Dodd? I fell asleep. Richardson brought a box of donuts and ate them while we talked.

Honestly, the Dems are so bad that even that fat blowhard moron Michael Moore says he’s bummed out and can’t bring himself to vote for one.

So on to the Repubes. Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution, and thinks the story of Adam and Eve is literally true. I’m sorry but anyone who is capable of believing that is certifiably insane and shouldn’t be allowed to vote, let alone run for office. Rudy Giuliani picked his nose when he thought I wasn’t looking. Gross. Romney appears to be a cyborg. McCain? Great sense of humor, but, um, yeah. He freaks me out.

So here’s the thing. I’d love your input on this. Is there anyone in this crappy election year that’s worth supporting? Or should we just ride the whole thing out in protest?

And yeah, I’ve already called Al Gore and begged him. Over and over again. Latest take from Al is he says he’s thinking about it. He’ll let the other idiots beat the shit out of each other and then he’ll leap in later and ride off with the nomination. If that happens, my problems are solved.