Tuesday, September 29, 2009

DVD Jon can doubleTwist on my knob

The Norwegian code monkey has created a remake of our famous 1984 advertisement, with a guy who looks like me in the role of Big Brother. And he’s got some new iTunes hack. We’re all trembling with fear.

Seriously, DVD Jon, listen up. Apparently you’re a pretty smart guy. You’re entirely self-taught, and you seem to be able to crack just about any kind of encryption. But is this really the best use of your time and talent? All this playing of lame jokes and publicity stunts, like placing a huge anti-Apple ad right next to our store? Hacking our software? Making knock-offs of our videos? Really? Is this what you want to do with your life? You just want to copy work that other people do? You’re just going to be a cloner? A prankster? A painter who makes copies of Rembrandts, and tries to pass them off as originals? The kid who goes around letting the air out of everyone’s bike tires? Why not try your hand at actually making something original? You know?

Well, whatever. You want to spend your life playing cat-and-mouse games with me. That’s fine. It’s a distraction for me, and yet another slight pain in my ass, which I don’t need, but somehow I will push on and keep bringing wonder to the world. Somehow I will make peace with the understanding that all of your incredible, superhuman efforts — all those sleepless nights, the endless hours spent hacking away, drinking Red Bull and cackling like a maniac — may, in the end, maybe cause us to make .00001% fewer dollars than we would have otherwise. Fine. I will find a way to live with this. I will deal with the notion that you have attached yourself to me, like a remora to a shark. (Though for what it’s worth, I would refer you to the Wikipedia entry for remora, specifically the following discussion of that animal’s diet: “There is controversy whether a remora’s diet is primarily leftover fragments, or the feces of the host. In some species … consumption of host feces is strongly indicated in gut dissections.” Yeah. Enjoy that image. I know I will.)

For the record, we did not “pull strings” or “pressure the advertising company” to take down your ad from the side of our store, as you apparently told TechCrunch. At least, there is no evidence that we did those things. Nor, for that matter, is there any evidence to support your claim that we’ve become Big Brother. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must call Eric Schmidt and have your video taken down from YouTube. Peace.