Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bob Iger is freaking out about this Baby Einstein scandal

So we’re getting some heat at Disney because we sold all those Baby Einstein videos and it turns out that they won’t make your imbecile child into a little genius. Go figure, right? Anyway, Bob Iger (in photo at right, with Robert Scoble) caved in and agreed to give everybody their money back, which frankly was a huge mistake, and even now, after all that, he’s still got his panties wedged way up into his vagina over this, and I’m trying to talk him down off a ledge.

The real problem, as far as Iger is concerned, is the bad publicity, like this story in the Times where they’re all ecstatic because some frigtarded activist group managed to shake down Disney and pressure us into offering refunds, and this mommy blog at Yahoo that is also up in arms: “Disney’s refund is about as close as we’re going to get to an actual admission that we were sold snake oil, and it casts a pall over the other `educational’ toys out there.”

Frankly I wanted to tell these idiots to go fuck a tree. But Iger is like, Steve, you don’t understand, it’s the brand, okay? It’s the brand, Steve. We’re not Apple. We don’t have millions of hypnotized zombies out there who’ll buy a bag of broken glass and razorblades as long as it has our logo on it. We’re selling to kids, Steve. Kids and their parents. We’re Disney. That name is all we’ve got. It stands for something. It stands for innocence, and purity, and childhood. We can’t have even a tiny blemish on that name. It’s an incredibly fragile brand. It’s all built on trust. The tiniest mistake, this can all go up in smoke.

I’m like, You mean like those freaks who get jobs wearing animal costumes in the Disney parks and then get accused of molesting girls? He goes, Hey, that Tigger guy was acquitted. I’m like, Okay, but excuse me, but aren’t you the guys who bought that wholesome movie company called Miramax?

Anyway, I’m on record opposing this refund to idiots who bought Baby Einstein and now are claiming that they thought plopping their kids in front of videos would make them smart. Frankly, if you’re stupid enough to believe that, then you’ve already done your kids irreparable harm by passing your DNA on to them. Whatever harm that video might do is nothing compared to the harm of inheriting your hillbilly genes, trust me. And anyway, what’s next? Are these idiots going to sue Einstein’s Bagels cause all they do is make you fat, not smart?

Let’s be honest. Everybody knows why you buy these videos. You don’t buy them to educate your kids. You buy them because a) you’re lazy; and b) you’re tired; and c) you know they will hypnotize your kids and turn them into zombies, which means that, for at least a few minutes, those little fuckers will shut the fuck up and stop screaming and running around and ruining the house and basically driving you batshit crazy. And you know what? That’s a valuable service. Whatever people paid for those videos, it was well worth it for a little peace and quiet.

And all that bullshit about being educational? Come on. We winked when we said it, and you winked when you bought it. It was all just a cover so we could feel a little less shitty about what we’re really doing to our kids. Anyway, whatever brain damage they might suffer, it’s still better than getting the shit slapped out of them, right? Does anyone give Disney credit for that? For sparing millions of kids from physical abuse that they would almost certainly suffer if they didn’t have Baby Einstein videos to keep them quiet? No they do not, and I think that’s a sin.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Disney Stores look to El Jobso

Been to a Disney Store mall location lately?  Seems they have not been pulling their weight, so they have turned to a familiar source for inspiration.  You’ll see Apple Store touches like “cast members” wielding mobile checkout scanners, too.  If Mickey and Minnie get their own Genius Bar, well, so be it.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Disney is buying Marvel for $4 billion

See here. Woz is so excited he’s pissing himself. He just called and wants to know if he I can introduce him to The Incredible Hulk. I told him sure, no problem. Sigh.

Monday, May 21, 2007

You’re welcome, Disney shareholders

I know you’re pissed about the backdating stuff. But read this story about how I’ve transformed your boring old company into a cutting-edge Internet savvy media player. Sure, they give credit to Iger and his crew. But read between the lines. You know who’s really pulling the strings.