Thursday, May 15, 2008

How the Valley put Obama over the top

Recently I pointed out that the Valley deserved a great deal of credit for Obama’s success. (See here.) Now the big brains at The Atlantic have figured that out too and have turned out a terrific piece about the huge role that Valley money-raisers and techies had in helping Obama gain an edge. Also very smart is the author’s recognition that Obama fits in out here — he’s young, charismatic, maybe light in experience but in the Valley we’re all about the new new thing, and that’s what Barry is. So people took to him and wanted to invest in him. Better yet, Barry understood the power of social networking and put it to work on his Web site, big time. And he’s a Mac user. As we say in the Valley, he gets it. It also didn’t hurt that the Clintstones made a huge error in refusing to play ball with the Valley, relying instead on the same old rich cronies they’ve always turned to for money. Money quote: “As a result, the wealthiest region of the wealthiest state in the nation was left to Barack Obama.”

Suck on it, Clintstones. And note to the rest of America — we may not be as sexy as Hollywood or Wall Street, but you know what? We’ve got a shitload of money, and we know how to organize. We’re a powerful bunch of khaki-wearing, gay-marriage-supporting, arugula-eating, Mac-using elitist nerds out here. To all of you racist homophobic non-Californian dumb fucks who find that annoying? Tough shit. We outsmarted you. We out-spent you. And now for the next eight years we’re going to be running this country. We’re going to give equal rights to gay people, fund stem-cell research, teach evolution, take down the fence on the Mexican border, and make sure abortion stays safe and legal. We’re going to pull out of Iraq, shut down Gitmo, and stop torturing people. And yeah. A black dude with a Muslim-sounding name and degrees from Columbia and Harvard is going to be in charge. So sit back down, strap yourself in, and shut the fuck up, crackers.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Obama flashes his iPhone

See the clip here. About halfway through he whips out an iPhone I know what you’re wondering — is that a 3G model that he’s using? Dear friends, it is. He got one of the first ones off the production line. And he loves it. Just loves it. He’s been calling me at night and raving about it. He says he wants me to be in his cabinet. I was like, Dude, let’s talk about that down the road. But, um, yes. I’ll do it.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Oh, before I forget — I’m going to work for Obama

Nothing to worry about, though, cause you’ve still got solid support among unemployed white racists who didn’t finish high school. And I love that K-Mart pantsuit. You go, girl.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

She bows out tomorrow

Fear not, Apple faithful. Our long national nightmare is almost over. Though the Hildebeast has been boasting about carrying on her campaign, Larry tells me he was just on the phone with Bill and Bill says the beast will withdraw tomorrow. FWIW, Larry says Bill actually sounds kind of happy about the whole thing. Larry’s theory all along has been that Bill was hoping Hill would fail. For one thing he’s got the alpha dog syndrome and doesn’t want his wife outdoing him. For another, he doesn’t want eight years of scrutiny and having to behave himself. He’s been very happy playing golf and chasing tail with Ron Burkle and shaking down foreign governments for huge speaking fees.

Whenever this ugly spectacle ends — tomorrow or two weeks from now — I hope everyone will take heart from the fact that the Valley had a great deal to do with sinking Hillary’s chances. Plain and simple, people out here wouldn’t pony up. We all gave money to Bill and we all were disappointed with the results. So this time we went for Barry. Sure, these politicians might like hanging out with the celebrities in Hollywood, and they may think the money guys on Wall Street are great pals, but the real money and power in this country resides right here in Silicon Valley. If you want our money, you come out here and kiss the ring and play nice. You take our list of demands, and you do what we tell you. Lesson to pols: Do not fuck with the Valley.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Notes from the front line

I’ve been working the phones all day for Barry and to be honest I’m wiped out and really, really depressed. One thing you find out when you spend 15 hours working a phone bank calling random people is how many scary fucked-up crackers and idiots there are in America. Especially when you call places like North Carolina and Indiana. It’s not just that they’re racist — though many of them are. It’s that they’re so fucking stupid. I mean just really low levels of comprehension.

I guess I never realized this. But 80% of the people I talked to today I’m sure do not read a newspaper on a regular basis. Furthermore, many of them could not read a newspaper and comprehend the meaning of the stories. I don’t mean that they’re illiterate. They could probably read most of the words, as long as they didn’t have more than three syllables. What I mean is they could not really understand what the stories mean. Also, I doubt most of them could focus long enough to finish an entire newspaper article.

And yet they vote. This terrifies me.

No wonder these poor idiots are so easily tricked and pandered to. I love Barry’s talk about a new politics and bringing people together and not playing the old games of race-baiting and divisiveness and easy campaign gimmicks and sound bites, but you know what? My sense after a day on the phones is that the crappy stuff is exactly what the crackers want. In fact the crackers love that shit. They get off on it. It’s about as sophisticated as they’re able to handle. The more a campaign resembles professional wrestling, the better. Because that’s the level they’re operating on.

So we get arugula and guns and crazy preachers and veiled racist slurs and insults about who’s got more balls and bigger balls. Groan.

To be really brutally honest, a lot of these morons can’t even understand what Barry is saying. To be even more brutally honest, the truth is they don’t deserve him. They really don’t. The last time I talked to Barry, which was about a week ago, I said, Dude, why do you even do this? Sitting through these stupid interviews, answering the same frigtarded questions over and over again? It’s humiliating. He didn’t have much of an answer. He’s exhausted and overwhelmed and frankly I think this campaign has done a lot to disillusion him.

As for me, I suppose I shouldn’t be so shocked. I mean 95% of the world uses Windows. Over the years I’ve come to accept this. I tell myself that if someone is so stupid that they can’t tell the difference, then I don’t want them using my machine anyway.

I guess this makes me elitist. Fine. I’m going to go have some arugula.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Girl’s got rhythm

This is Hillary doing some funky moves at a senior aerobics class in Philly with some very non-bitter Pennsylvania residents. Happy Sunday.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Hillary selling snacks to raise money for campaign

Not really. Actually this photo shows Hillary hanging out with the filthy hacks on her campaign jet and telling them how she’s this really super-duper fan of the Rolling Stones. Apparently she was there at Altamont, working security with the Angels. At least that’s how she remembers it.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tom Cruise makes dirty phone calls to Hillary at 3 a.m.

Warning: This is absolutely NSFW. Lots of dirty words. But it’s funny. Enjoy.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Obama girl strikes again

There’s just a couple things about this girl that really strike me.

Hillary in Bosnia: Action footage

Pretty funny stuff from Barely Political, part of Next New Networks. Much love, Internet TV dudes.