Way to go Redmond, after trying to look like you’ll do anything short of anal lingus to keep your customer base, there you go, being the assholes we know and despise love.

Looks like someone

won’t be getting that

J.D. Powers award in their stocking at Christmas.

We all know who will ….

… according to Robert X. Cringely. He believes Jobs & Apple want that J.D. Powers Award so bad they’ll do anything to make Apple customers happy now. I’d like them try to replace

my train-smashed iTouch and country fried MacMini for nothing, so nothing ventured nothing gained. I wonder if they’ll do Windows, too?

UPDATE: Oops! The catch is your Apple product has to be under warranty. But maybe there is going to be something called leeway, eh?

If your Mac (or PC, let’s face it, there are a few out there) blows up..who ya gonna call?  Florence Henderson, also known as everyone’s favorite TV mom, hopes you’ll call her company if you’re in need of answers, and closing in on the AARP demo.

Well good old Dave Winer is whining again, this time because he brought in a broken MacBook and we fixed it but we kept his fucked up hard drive and won’t give it back to him and he thinks there’s some big security issue because surely the whole fucking world gives a shit what’s on Dave Winer’s hard disk. See this flickr page where he posts a copy of the email he sent to me hoping I’ll do something about it. Well since Dave has chosen to air this issue in a public forum rather than letting it remain private let me share with you the email I’m sending back to him.

Dear Dave:

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you always such a huge fucking pain in the ass to everyone around you? You broke your laptop. We fixed it. As for all this bullshit about how you’ve lost control of your passwords and brokerage account logins — come on Dave. That’s not what you’re worried about. It’s the porn. That’s right, freak. We’ve combed every nanometer of that hard drive and pulled everything off it and you know what? I’m halfway inclined to call the fucking cops. You know we’re legally obliged to do that when we find stuff like what you’ve got on there, right? Like the outtakes from this photo shoot of your friend Naked Jen. Dude I’m sorry but that is some truly scary shit. The ones of you prancing around made me throw up in my mouth. Worse yet was this sickening bear-on-twink sauna movie. You look like slightly less attractive version of Ron Jeremy.

By the way, you big dumb fuck, did it not occur to you to take the drive out yourself before you brought it to the store? Surely a big computer scientist such as yourself knows how to remove a hard disk from a laptop and put in a new one? But no. You waltzed into the store and stood in line for customer service just like any other total fuckwit. Now you have the balls to post an open letter about it? I’m sure it’s just your way of setting up a legal defense — your attorneys will be able to argue that the drive was out of your control for some period of time, and who knows what some other person might have put on there, blah blah. Dave, you make me sick. Oh, and by the way, that line about the “source code” on your drive? Right. Source code. Like you’re out there writing big important programs and you need your precious source code back. According to our forensics team the only source code they found was some stolen graphics drivers you’d put in a folder and sent to Andrew Tridgell, along with an invoice.

Finally, please know that whenever people expect me to personally attend to their petty complaints about an Apple retail store experience, and when they tell me how they’ve spent a whopping $3,800 on Apple products in the past two years and make some big threat about how they’ll never buy another Apple product, as if I give a shit about losing some asshole pain-in-the-ass customer, well, we automatically put those notes in a special bin. It’s called the loony bin. Everyone in that bin automatically gets the same response: Siooma, frigtard. You are hereby forbidden from buying Apple products. Do not ever write to me ever again. Now get down on your knees and bite me right on the ass. Hard.

PS, cheers and best wishes in the new year.

Sincerely,

Steve.