The story in PCW here. Of course the polite language is that rival Chinese

underage Asians making iPad clones

manufacturers are taking an interest. The truth is, they’re already making knockoffs and are going to try to sue Apple for ripping them off. Chutzpah! Cajones! The nerve! Remember folks, don’t buy any questionable crap on ebay based in Hong Kong or any other questionable knock-offs from Asia (or any other off continent source, especially Antarctica, freakin’ freetard penguinistas!), always buy from Apple or approved and vetted Apple resellers.

It’s true that we’ve found a few cases where some of our suppliers have hired underage workers in China. To our credit, we published this information ourselves, on our Web site. Also, let’s be clear — we’re talking about 15-year-old kids, who lied about their age and pretended to be 16 so they could get a job. I know the press is going to go nuts about this, and you’ll be seeing sensationalist headlines about us hiring children to make iPods. Well, I suppose it sells papers. But the truth is, I was working when I was 15. I bet you were too. Didn’t hurt me, and I don’t think it hurt the kids who were working in our factories. But anyway, we all have to play along and pretend to be contrite. But the truth is, we treat the kids in our factories better than any other company on earth, and frankly, I’m damn proud of that.

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Check out this story about an Apple store in Maryland where people have been buying iPods only to find angry Unabomber style notes inside them telling them they should free their minds and read a book. Ha! As if. Of course nobody actually took this crazy advice, but nonetheless we feel compelled to track down the source of this tampering. Because as Ron Johnson says, if we don’t stop it here, what’s next? Anthrax pellets? Notes telling people to spend their money feeding the homeless instead of buying ridiculously overpriced consumer electronics? Damn, yo.

Our first instinct, of course, was to blame bloggers, so we’ve sent subpoenas to TUAW, Crazy Mac Rumors, Cult of Mac, Your Mac Life, and the rest of the loonies to find out who knew what and when. Took a while to get the discovery done and to unshred and recreate all the paper in their shredders and for Moshe and his boys to conduct their polygraph exams using a batch of SP-17 truth serum obtained from the Russian secret service. Turns out they weren’t lying — these bozos really don’t know shit about anything. Apologies to the dozen or so hacks who were inconvenienced by this search but it had to be done. And, um, Leander Kahney? Much love and a huge namaste for telling us all that stuff about your years in boarding school. Hilarious! And just FYI, don’t you ever dare step out of line, or we’ll put that video up on YouTube faster than you can say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?”

So after scouring bloggers we were back to square one. If it wasn’t bloggers putting angry notes inside iPods, who could it be? Apple employees? Impossible. Maybe someone visiting the store? Not likely since the safety wrap was not tampered with. So who was the last person to touch these iPods before they were wrapped? Then we realized — it’s those bastard kids in China! Fuckers! Ingrates! We’ve locked down the labor camps. Nobody goes in or out, and all privileges are revoked until someone coughs up the culprit. Moshe and a team of elite commandos are on their way to Shenzhen now. I’m warning you, Chinese child workers: We’ll fire each and every last one of you. I’m not even kidding.

UPDATE: Dear reader Peter points out that according to the very story to which I linked (ahem) the Unabomber notes were found in iPods purchased in a Wal-Mart, not an Apple retail store. Much love to Peter for the correction. To those Apple retail employees who were wrongly dismissed, what can I say? Shit happens. Feel free to re-apply for employment with us after your six-month probationary period is over.

Finally here’s just a random snapshot of a typical lunchtime in our executive cafeteria at Hon Hai’s HQ in Taiwan. That’s Pete Dawson of Apple Asia with HR director Patty Hon (no relation to Bill) and director of engineering Louise Soo. Hey guys, who wants seconds? Gotta keep the strength up so we can keep cranking out those tasty iPods! (Geddit?)

Here’s a shot of Jenny Li, Hon Hai’s director of marketing and communications, going over the 2007 advertising campaign and budget plans with Chuck Hurley, one of our Apple Asia marketing execs. Great work, guys!

Another point I want to make about this report on iPod manufacturing, and the blog is the perfect place to do this, is that our relationship with Hon Hai Precision Industry and its Foxconn division is truly a partnership, in the full sense of the word, with lots of give and take, sharing of ideas and so forth. I know it’s been depicted as a kind of exploitation. But that is not what we’re about. Believe me, these folks are tough negotiators. And I thought if you could see some pictures of our top Apple managers interacting with their counterparts at Hon Hai you’d get a better sense of how our partnership works. So here are just some ordinary shots we’ve grabbed from our Apple-Hon Hai company newsletter. First one, above, is a photo of Charles Whitman, Apple’s PacRim director, at the signing of the extension of our agreement with the two founders of Hon Hai, Bill Hon (rear) and Luke Hai (front). Check out Mr. Hai and tell me if you think he looks unhappy to be doing business with Apple Computer. Right, I didn’t think so.

People are making a mountain out of a molehill on this iPod child labor report that we put out yesterday. But let me just tell you about one guy. This is Zhu Shi Tian, the CFO of Foxconn, our iPod manufacturing partner. He gets in around 5, puts in a quick 30 minutes on the StairMaster while ripping through his stack of morning papers. By 6:30 he’s at his desk with coffee and a croissant, checking the overnight exchange rates and booting up iCal to see what’s going for the day. Maybe a flight to Hong Kong to check on component suppliers. Maybe a boozy dinner entertaining clients. Now some flakes at the BBC are whinging because dudes like this want to work more than sixty hours a week. Well I hate to tell you, Nigel, but if you work in high tech, sixty hours a week is like bare minimum. Which is I suppose why those lazy bastard socialist Euros are getting blown away by the rest of the world. Now they want to drag the rest of us down with them. Hey, Euroweenies, take some advice and stick to what you’re good at, like going on strike, and leave the hard work of changing the world to guys like me and Tian. By the way, my man Tian not only works hard, he also parties hard. Heli-skiing, parasurfing, all the totally crazy shit. And believe me, we’ve had some nights in Shanghai. But that’s all I’m going to say on that subject. Otherwise his wife would friggin kill him.