Saturday, November 21, 2009

Apple TV spots make Microsoft look “like a buffoon”

So says this piece right here.  Let’s be clear.  Microsoft does make fine products.  To say otherwise is just not being realistic.  Much of what they have created has fundamentally changed the way we  conduct our lives.  The quote, though, is on the money.  Apple does a lot really well, too.  And what Apple does better than anyone in tech..and it’s not close…is create a mystique.  (See Jobs, Steve.)  Apple is cool, Windows is not.

Money quote that supports this theory: “Ballmer is tacitly admitting that, all things considered, yeah, Microsoft looks like a bunch of idiots but that doesn’t matter because they’ve got more customers than anyone else.”

The generation coming up sees gleaming cathedrals Apple Stores with pristine iMacs.  They also wander into the mall and see dancing,  in a seemingly spontaneous choreographed attempt at being “edgy.”  It starts at the top.  El Jobso wears black turtlenecks, Ballmer sweats.    And if you want to dress like Dear Leader, check this handy link.ballmer-perspiratus

Friday, November 20, 2009

Microsoft opens IE mini-markets, works on IE9

In a continuing effort to blunt the Apple Store momentum, Microsoft has announced they will open new Internet Explorer convenience stores.  Here’s a prototype in Bellevue, Washington.  These will be companion retail outlets to the new Microsoft Stores recently opened in a couple of markets.  Oh, and they’re now working on IE9, even though Firefox is having them for lunch.  Have they heard of it?  IE

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Borg ads causing televisions to crash

So says The Onion, and those guys do not make stuff up. Money quotes:

Although the commercials crashed nearly every available brand of plasma and LCD television, as well as afflicting older cathode-ray models, Microsoft spokesperson Sarah Machen insisted that the problem was not her company’s fault, and that it likely resulted from low memory, a fragmented disk, or perhaps an outdated video card. A press release issued by the software giant also advised televisions users to avoid quickly switching back and forth between programs to prevent any future crashes.


“I took my TV into the store and they added a bunch of cards and stuff so I can watch it again,” Yoder said. “But the shows run really slow. Now it takes me an hour and a half to get through an episode of Scrubs. And sometimes this hourglass thing comes on the screen right at a good part and, by the time it finally goes away, the show is over.”

Namaste to Jim T. for the link.

Despair, thy name is Windows

PC Mag ran this candid shot of the Borg equivalent of the Apple Genius bar. Not sure but I think the guy is saying, “The wow is now.” Voice balloons anyone?

Much love to dear reader Clay for the tip.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Borg’s freaky new ad for Bing

Sweet God almighty. What is wrong with these people? Do they have no idea at all about how to make an advertisement?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Jesus wept

Windows 7 illegal download party

Borg bails on Family Guy sponsorship

They were going to sponsor a commercial-free episode, the deal being that Seth McFarlane would load the episode with references to Windows 7. Problem is, he also loaded it up with jokes about “deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest, which all proved too much for the software giant.” My theory: Fox made the deal, McFarlane felt like a dirty whore, so he ruined it for them.

Friday, October 23, 2009

I just called Fester to congratulate him on the look of his new stores

I’m like, No really, where on earth did you come up with the look and feel of these stores? I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life.

He’s like, Ha ha. Well, I like to think of it as an homage.

And I’m like, Oh, is that French for stealing?

He goes, Hey, good one. You mean like what you guys did with Xerox Star?

I go, No, I mean what you guys did with Windows.

He goes, Oh, you mean, take what you did and make it better? Or take what you did and make it popular?

I go, Just the take what we did part.

He says, Hey, it’s how we roll. It’s how we do. We watch, we learn, we improve.

I go, Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

He goes, Bitch, please. You’re the one who said, Good artists borrow, great artists steal, right?

I go, Actually it was Picasso.

He goes, Well, you can’t sue us. We looked into it. We made it just different enough. And anyway you stole the look from the Gap. Or J. Crew. So don’t act like you invented it.

I go, You’re out of your mind, aren’t you?

He goes, Totally. But anyway, you can’t patent the way a store looks. Seriously, we had the lawyers check it out. And our stores have video walls. Totally different from yours.

I go, Yeah, and your retail people are all fat and stupid looking, whereas we hire slender, attractive, artsy people.

He says, Hey, you play to your base.

I’m like, Right on.

He’s like, Are we done?

I go, I think so.

He goes, Okay, so hang up.

I go, No, you hang up.

He goes, No, you.

I just sit there. I say nothing.

He goes, You still there?

I go, Yup.

He goes, Okay, let’s count to three and hang up at the same time.

I go, Fuck that. You hang up.

He goes, Nope. You.

So I did it. God I hate you Fester. I fucking hate hate hate you. And the following video makes me sick.

Halfpint halfwit at CNBC has no idea what Microsoft’s annual revenues are, and now must atone for his stupidity

CNBC tech reporter Jim Goldman went on air today and said Microsoft had lowered its revenue guidance for the full year, which wasn’t true. The stock dropped, and now Wall Street hates him. How could this happen? Answer: He’s stupid. And lazy. And he apparently gets his news from blogs, which everyone knows can’t be trusted.

The one bright spot in all this, of course, is that Borg shares got hammered, because all the dopes on Wall Street apparently believe whatever they see on CNBC. Just one problem with what Goldman reported — Microsoft hadn’t lowered guidance on revenue. They’d lowered guidance on their operating expenses. In other words, they reported good news. Not bad. Nevertheless, the stock went down. Yay Jim Goldman! Your free video Nano is in the mail.

Hilarious thing in the video (below) is that Goldman says Microsoft “lowering — lowering — its full-year revenue guidance to a range of $26.2 to $26.5 billion.” One big problem with that claim (other than the fact that it was not true) is that, um, Microsoft’s full year revenues are nowhere near $26 billion. They’re about $58 billion. You’d think Jim Goldman might have a rough idea of how much Microsoft does a year in revenues. I mean, they’re a pretty well-known tech company. But, um, no. So think about this: the Silicon Valley bureau chief of CNBC, an actual TV network that specializes in business news, does not know, even in ballpark figures, how big Microsoft is.

To be fair, it appears Goldman may have just been reporting something he read on a Wall Street Journal blog, which also misreported this statement. So who can blame him? I mean, he reads a blog, and he goes on air and reports it as fact. Isn’t that what they teach you at journalism school?

Now all the dickhead traders are mad at Goldman, and even though I hate the guys on Wall Street I have to admit that I understand their anger on this one. Hell, if it weren’t for the fact that Little Jim does such a thorough job of polishing my knob every time we release a new product, I’d be calling for his head too.