Monday, February 12, 2007

What a day

I’m in New York. Have been meeting with Al Gore and Bono about their global warming concert series. Apple is totally going to be a lead sponsor. Bono played me a few bars of the big ballad that he and Geldof are working on for all the superstars to sing in a giant chorus. Something about the fookin ice floes meltin and the polar bears a-drownin and the fookin smokestacks belchin while mankind does fookin nuffin, blah blah blah, and then a chorus that goes, “CEE-OH-TWO-OO-OO, let’s do what we all can do, CEE-OH-TWO-OO-OO, reach across the oceans blue.” Or something like that. Needs a little work. But I’m feeling it.

Anyway. Bigger news is this. The concert discussion was just a pretext. They really wanted to get me to New York and talk to me about the race in 2008. As in, running in it. My first reaction was like, You gotta be kidding me. Do you have any idea how many times I dropped acid in the Seventies? They say that’s no big deal, Obama went on TV and talked about smoking weed and doing coke. I’m like, Dudes, I’m talking about friggin hallucinogenics, okay? The kind of stuff that wipes out entire sections of your brain and twists your DNA into pretzels. I’ve got sperm cells with twelve tails and fourteen heads and each one looks like the Keep on Truckin’ guy. I did this shit like five hundred times, at least. Not to mention all the crystal meth and coke and weed and hash and angel dust and black beauties and downers and whatever else. I mean it was a lot.

No worries, they say. America’s moved past that. Gore says his machine is primed and ready, but he’s not going to be the candidate. I am. He says this isn’t about me, or him, or any of us — it’s bigger than that. It’s about saving this country from that woman. He says Hillary can probably raise $250 million. I’m like, Why can’t we back Nader? Or Jerry Brown? Nope, Al says as he sees it I’m the only person on the planet who has the mixture of charisma and cash that this battle is gonna require. Heck, I can raise half a billion and not even feel a pinch.

Think of all the stuff you’ve told me, Al says, about the ways you’d like to make this country better. Including reforming the DOJ and ending this crazy practice of turning hard-working entrepreneurs into the the target of ridiculous criminal investigations, and wasting millions of taxpayer dollars on pointless crusades.

All good points. But it was Bono who closed me, and God love him he did it by throwing my own words back at me. Boyo, he says, do you wanna make fookin music players for the rest of your life, or do you wanna change the fookin world?

So fair enough. We’ve set up an exploratory committee and talk to some fund-raising type people and see what kind of reaction we get. We’ll do some polling too. Apparently in some of the prelim work I’ve put up some ridiculously high name recognition numbers and some very low negs, as long as they don’t poll former Apple and Pixar employees. So we’ll see. We’re a long way from actually declaring a candidacy, so let’s not get too excited just yet.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Caption winners

Another mindblowing round of contest entries this week, with a real standout new player, Mr. H. Aiku. Much love, H.

H. Aiku
the lone stink finger
it’s presence told by context
Bill Gates sits and smiles

the iPhone comes soon
feels like waiting for Godot
soon we will call him

Bill, thinking to himself:
Hey! I can see daylight through his earhole!

Rip Ragged
If you want to kiss my ass take a number. Make it a big fookin’ number.

Free fake iPhone protoypes are in the mail. Peace.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Caption contest

Yeah, we’re making this way too friggin easy. I know. Well, enjoy. Free fake iPhone prototypes to the winners.

On being obscenely wealthy

So Larry emailed me this article today about how the richest 2% of the world controls more than half of the world’s wealth. And his subject line was, “Way to go! We friggin rock!”

I know how obnoxious this sounds. I can tell by the tone of these articles how people feel about this. It’s like they want us to apologize for having so much money. Well, you know, for a long time I had mixed feelings. Like, I really, really wanted to be rich; but then I felt weird being so rich. But then I just had this huge turning point. It happened when I broke through the billion dollar mark. Which is a big deal, ask anyone who’s experienced it. It freaks you out, really. I was standing in front of a mirror in my living room, naked, just looking at myself. Which is just something I do. I check out my body. And once a month I take a photo, and save them in a scrapbook. I’ve been doing this since I was fifteen. Anyhoo. I’m standing there in front of the mirror on the first day that I woke up a billionaire and I’m going, Steve is a billionaire. Steve is a billionaire. A billionaire. Like saying it over and over, listening to the sound of that word. And then I was like, Dude, you know what? This isn’t luck. This isn’t an accident. I’m different. I’m special. It’s like in one of those movies where a guy realizes he’s got telekinetic powers and it’s just too bad if he doesn’t want them, he’s got them. Likewise, I have this gift. It’s who I am. There’s no sense going around trying to hide it, or trying to be something I’m not, or pretending I’m just a regular person. I’m not a regular person.

I mean, Jesus didn’t go around being all humble and pretending that he wasn’t who he was, right? He just said, Dude, I’m Jesus, okay? And I’m like the son of God? So you all just have to deal with it, all right? Because I have to deal with it too. Same for El Jobso. I hope this doesn’t sound super vain or whatever. But there’s no way to be honest about who I am and also sound humble. I know some people (cough Bono cough) think the richest 2 percent should give away their money and spread it evenly all over the world. But think about it. There’s a reason why super smart people get all the money. It’s because we know what to do with it. What do you suppose happens if you just give all this wealth to poor people? You know they’ll just go out and buy 50-inch flat-panel TVs and bags of crack and loads of other useless shit. And then they’ll be right back where they started.

So I’m not going to apologize for being rich. What I am going to do is go finish this goddamn iPhone. Now that will be a gift to the world. It’s beautiful. Honestly. Just insanely gorgeous.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The lesson of the PS3

Is simply this: If you make something cool, price does not matter. Month after month we’ve been hearing this bitching about how the PS3 was priced too high (and yeah, loads of that was just Microsoft-funded astroturfing, but whatever). Now here it is, at 600 bucks, and people are lining up and waiting outside in the rain for days and even risking their lives to get them. Why? Cause they friggin rock. And the high price only adds to the allure. If anything, Kutaragi could have charged more. Folks, we live in a society where people have a lot of money. Okay? I gotta hand it to Sony. It’s a beautiful box. Really nice design. Larry and I both got one in advance. Bono, of course, got ten and he’s selling nine of them on Ebay. Bastard.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Friggin Bono will sell anything

Dude, even if you are giving the money charity (and I wouldn’t be so sure), there are just some things that don’t belong on Ebay. And what are people thinking when they bid on this? It’s not like he’s the first person who ever had a high colonic. They’re acting like it’s a saint’s relic. Sheesh.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I’m sorry, Bono, but I’m your friend and you need to hear this

So my pal Bono has been calling me all bummed out lately cause he’s getting all this bad press, with stories like this one about him suing some babe to get back some stuff he gave her a long time ago, and this one and a zillion others like it tearing him a new one for moving his company to the Netherlands to avoid paying taxes in Ireland, after badgering the Irish government and everybody else on God’s green earth to pay more taxes so we could feed the starving Africans. “Oh, Steve,” he goes, “I’m gettin fookin crucified over dis tax thing! Jaysus!” I told him hey, don’t read the papers, but he can’t help himself, he reads everything, and he takes it all to heart; I mean it really, really hurts him.

But here’s the thing. I can’t bear to say this to Bono in person, so I’m using my blog as a way to do it instead. Bono, the reason these stories strike a nerve is cause they’re kinda true. Bottom line: You’re cheap. There. I said it.

Fact is, Bono is without a doubt the cheapest bastard I’ve ever met. Tighter than a duck’s ass, and that’s watertight, as they say in East Palo Alto. I mean I’ve seen him take bread home from restaurants. Says he’s gonna give it to homeless people. Instead he puts in the trunk of his car. Then he drives around with bags of leftovers in there, piling up. Yeah. He’s that kind of cheap. The weird kind. The kind who asks for extra peanuts on flights, and keeps them, and uses teabags twice, and drives around trying to find out which station has the cheapest gas. The other guys in the band used to call him “Ken,” as in “Ken I bum a fiver?” And guess who’s always hitting me up for free Macs and iPods? “Oh, Steve, me cousin Siobhan wants an iMac, can you send me one over? The one with the giant screen. She saw it in a magazine and she says to me, `Oh, Paulie, don’t it look just like a fookin telly!’ Oh, you should meet me cousin Siobhan, Steve, she’s a hoot. Total Northsider. Oh, and can you send one over for me cousin Donal in Howth, and his wife Niamh, and their daughter Sorcha? Tanks, pal. By the way do you know how a Northsider proposes marriage? He goes, `Yer fookin wha?’ Ha! Get it?” And I’m like, Hey, cool, Bono taught me a new joke; now I don’t feel so bad about sending over ten thousand bucks’ worth of my precious computers.

The other guys in the band are just as cheap as Bono. Friggin millionaires and yet they’re the biggest sponges you ever met in your life. The Edge steals packets of Equal from Starbucks, I’m not kidding. And basically I’m the way they do their Christmas shopping every year. Hey, if any relatives of U2 members are reading this, I’m the one who should get the “Thank you” cards this year, okay? That’s right. Steve Jobs, aka Santa Claus, c/o the North friggin Pole. Or maybe you can send email if you don’t want to pay for a stamp. Goddamn Larry Mullen sent me a list last year, all the people who he needed to send gifts to and which model each one wanted. I’m like, Dude, should I gift wrap them for you too and fill out the cards, or can you handle that part yourself?

Couple months ago Bono calls and says, Hey, Steve, I wanna give iPods to all the crew, sort of a tankyou fer the toor and all, whattaya think? I’m like this close to telling him to just walk into a store with a credit card and friggin buy them like everyone else, but you know how it is. So I wussed out and sent him thirty iPods. And I swear he sold some of them on Ebay. No kidding. He’s got an account.

Only time Bono isn’t cheap is when he’s drunk. Then he spends money like, well, a drunken Irishman. I mean I’ve seen him stumble out of a bar and walk across the street and buy a Mercedes for a girl he’d just met a half hour ago. Crazy shit. But sober? You couldn’t pry a dime from between his ass cheeks. Now he’s suing some dame to get his Stetson hat back. And scamming on his taxes. Bono, I love you. You know that. But you need help. I’m not even gonna get into it with the gambling problem and the eating disorder. One thing at a time, right? And hey: How does a Northsider admit he’s got a problem? He goes, “I’m fookin wha?” Ha! Get it?

Sunday, October 15, 2006


So Bono calls to talk about his AIDS thing, and as we’re talking he lets slip that he was one of the finalists for the Nobel prize this year. So of course I try to be all positive and happy for him, but inside I’m just totally dying, my stomach is just in knots. I mean, come on! Friggin Bono? He makes the short list and I’m still out here pounding my pud? WTF, right? And he goes, Yeah, do me a favor and don’t tell anyone about it, nobody knows, I haven’t told anyone except The Edge, and he won’t tell anyone, Christ he didn’t even know what the fookin prize was, he thought it was something from MTV, but yeah, it was me and Cindy Sheehan and Ahmadinejad up for the peace prize. I go, Ahmadinejad? Is he the microloan dude? Bono goes, Naw, man, he’s the shah of Iran. I go, Wait, I thought he died like a long time ago or something. Bono says, Nah, he’s the new shah, the one they just elected last year. He’s totally all about bringing peace to the region and all, and I mean he’s totally first-rate. Me and Geldof had lunch with him a while back, and he’s just totally kewl. I go, So who’s the guy making tiny loans to poor people, like the guy who won, like what’s his name? Bono goes, Fook if I know, and man, I’ll tell ya, if I’d known all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace Prize was go around handing out ten-dollar bills or whatever, I mean, shite, anyone could do that right? Fookin hell. Can’t do it now, though, cause it’s been done. Gotta think of something else. I go, Well maybe this AIDS thing will do it, but he says, Yeah, you know, I was thinking about that, but like, keepin em alive ain’t gonna do nothing fer peace is it? I mean it’s just more of the fookers who can chop each other to bits with fookin machetes. I dunno. Well, we’ll keep thinkin about it. And like you say, brother, Peace. Pay it forward. Peace.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

This is maybe a little bit embarrassing

But this year I had some of our PR people put together a little presentation to send to the Nobel people. All about the Apple World Peace Summit featuring Bill Clinton, Nelson Mandela and Bono. One of our guys got a little snippy with me, saying that a, you can’t apply for a Nobel prize, and b, the peace summit hasn’t even happened yet, and c, shouldn’t we be devoting resources to handle this little options scandal? Suffice to say that guy no longer works at Apple. Though we are gonna pay his hospitalization and plastic surgery bills.

And yes, I did clear my schedule for the day when the prizes were announced, so I could sit home by the phone. Silly, I know. Ellison told me I’m being foolish. You know what? I wish I could be like him. Just vapid and self-centered and caring about nothing about racing giant penis boats and sleeping with Asian PR chicks. But I can’t. I want more from life. I want to make a difference. That’s my fatal flaw.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Shop till it stops, people

AIDS, that is. We’ve totally gotta stop it. So please support Bono, Oprah and the rest of us who are sponsoring the (Product) Red project. The whole idea is just so damn dead brilliant. Buy one of our red nanos and we’ll give ten bucks to stomp out AIDS in Africa. Friends, this project means a lot to me, and not only cause it will help Bono get some more free publicity. I mean, I actually spent 90 seconds on the phone with a reporter from the AP today, you know what I’m saying? Trust me, I never talk to those a-holes. And we’re lighting up our New York store in red. So bitchin. As I said in the AP article:

“I’ve never been to Africa, but you don’t have to go there to know there are a lot of people dying of AIDS there.”

I think that about says it all, doesn’t it? Heck, you might not even be able to pick out Guyana or Freedonia on a map of Africa, but now you can help out. Just by doing what you already do every day. Buying loads of shit you don’t need. Now you can feel good about that. So cool, right? I’m telling you, Bono is a friggin genius. And we are sooo going to party when he gets here. Peace out.