Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Help support Bikey’s dance troupe

Friends, as you know, Bike Helmet Girl, aka Tiffany, has a dance troupe in San Francisco. They’re called Double Vision and they’re really super amazing. Well, tomorrow night they’re holding a fundraiser at Dragon Bar in San Francisco and I promised Bikey I’d help her promote it. (And yes, I’m doing this because I’m still hoping I can win her over. So sue me.) For info, go here. Unfortunately I cannot attend but I will be there in spirit, believe me. For any who can attend, I highly recommend it, if only for the chance to bask in Bikey’s presence. Trust me on this. She’s an old soul.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Much love and namaste to everyone

I hate to break character but every once in a while I have no choice. I’m doing it today so that I can do something totally un-Jobsian and offer a profound heartfelt thanks to the fantastic people who have made the past few weeks so amazing. Back here in the Fake Jobs Pod I’m still reeling from having so much fun in such a short period of time. At the risk of sounding like someone’s yearbook page, here goes. Thanks to Steve and Ann in Toronto for the great party at the Madison Avenue Pub. Thanks to Kim R. and the rest of the people at Microsoft who opened their hearts to the frenemy. Thanks to Chris D. at Google in Santa Monica and Todd at Rand Corp. in Los Angeles for setting up events. Thanks to Greg and all the others from Coghead for great party after Kepler’s in Menlo Park. (I’m wearing my Coghead T-shirt as I write this.) Thanks to Larry from BitMover for the SIOOMA license plate which will go on the Jobs Mobile as soon as possible. Thanks to my girl K-Squared and the other unnamed players for the blast at Tommy’s in San Francisco. Thanks to Brinke, Mary and Stan for coming to the event in Berkeley. Thanks to Tyler and Lisa at Google in Mountain View, and to Meng for posing for a photo with me. Thanks to Mario Sundar and everyone else at LinkedIn, plus Guy Kawasaki and Brad Stone for the amazing event last week at the Computer History Museum. Thanks to Megan of Valleywag for not being mean. Thanks to Owen, Paul and Brian Lam for a fine dinner in North Beach. Thanks to Brooke & Forbes for the party at Frisson. Thanks to Valleywaggers for the party report. Thanks to Richard for a fine day in Los Angeles.

As you can see, it’s been a pretty hectic few weeks. And the highlight, I must admit, has been the chance to meet three of my blog crushes in the course of just a few days. Bike Helmet Girl and Veronica Belmont showed up at the same reading in San Francisco last week, which nearly stopped my heart. Then iJustine showed up at an event in Mountain View. Too much. Finally, much love to dear friend Otis van Adderly, who realigned my chakras. Victuri te salutamus, as they used to say in ancient Sparta. Namaste to all. I honor the place where your spirit and mine become one.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Confession: Sometimes I listen to 107.7 The Bone

Fair enough. This is super embarrassing. Because I’m a huge jazz lover and a total aesthete. But sometimes, when I’m driving on 101 or 280 and I’m by myself, I listen to moron rock on 107.7 The Bone. It’s the local classic rock station aimed at knuckle-draggers and yet there I was yesterday motoring down the freeway listening to a Lynyrd Skynyrd rock block. I mean I have lots of other choices in my Jobs Mobile, including a terabyte of Pod Storage built into the dashboard and every digital satellite feed in the world. But there I am, rocking out to “Gimme Back My Bullets.”

I blame this all on Bike Helmet Girl. Meeting her at long last has just changed my life in some ways that are hard to define. Definitely put a spring in my step. Not that anything has happened, because it hasn’t. (Larry says I’m a putz and “not a closer,” but he just doesn’t understand.) My thing with Bikey is on a different level. It’s beyond physical. It’s spiritual. We’ve been doing some intense work and she’s really helping me unblock some things and let go of some bad energy. Her whole thing is about energy and flow and listening and perceiving and recognizing where things want to go and then going there with them, rather than fighting the flow. I was telling Jonny about this yesterday when we went for our daily walk around campus. We did this exercise where we sat on the ground and held hands and just felt the energy flowing between us. Totally amazing. Now Jonny wants Bikey to come in and help his team work on their chakras and energy realignment.

Bottom line: I feel young again. It’s kind of amazing. Now I must sign off because I just had the most amazing revolutionary idea that is totally going to put a dent in the universe and change the course of human history. I have to rush into work and invent it before I lose the inspiration. Peace out.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Notes from the tour

Sorry for the slow blogging pace but the Jobso World Tour is just taking its toll on me. Throngs of adoring fans, hordes of autograph seekers. It’s insane. No time to eat, hardly any sleep. To paraphrase Dylan, I’m living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine. Everything’s a blur.

But last night something happened that was so special and amazing that I had to share it with you. (And yes, I did plagiarize that last sentence from Penthouse Forum.) I had an appearance at a bookstore in the Castro in San Francisco (did you know that there’s a magazine called “Butt”? I didn’t) and it turned into a Internet celeb-fest, with glamour couple Ryan Block and Veronica Belmont walking in after I’d started talking. I recognized Veronica right away. I had to stop — for a moment I could not speak. If it weren’t for the nitroglycerin tablets that I keep in my pocket at all time, I might have keeled over. How do I describe the effect she has on me? Folks, Veronica Belmont is beautiful on Internet TV, but that is nothing compared to how she looks in person. She friggin glows. She’s incandescent. Ryan, standing beside her, still seems to have no idea that their relationship is doomed.

But this wasn’t even the highlight. Fasten your seatbelts for this one. Also in the crowd was Bike Helmet Girl. The real one. She wasn’t wearing her bike helmet, but she did have the same shoulder bag as in the photo. She turns out to be spectacular. Like off the charts. Like incredibly gorgeous, way more so than in photos, and really, really super funny. And brainy. Like a really classic intellectual type chick. Really dry sense of humor. On top of all that she’s a world-class dancer and has that dancer’s body and a super straight back and great posture. Poor helpless old man that I am, I was trembling. Couldn’t talk. Tongue-tied. Nervous, sweating. I mean she’s like the ultimate dream woman. Worse, she wants nothing to do with me. Says she’s done with married men. And gay men. (I was like, What, you’ve met Larry too?) Says she has the same feelings for me that I do for her but she’s not going to act on them. Great. Friggin great. What is it about these women and their consciences?

Well all I can say is that Bike Helmet Girl stayed around to the bitter end of the reading, and we left the bookstore together in a cab. The rest of the night involved people and places that I’m not at liberty to discuss. As for Bikey, more on this one as it develops. If it develops. Which I guess it won’t. Or something. Peace out.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The other thing that makes BHG sexy

It’s the main thing, actually. And it’s very simple. What makes BHG sexy is that she doesn’t give a shit what any of us think of her. You know? She doesn’t care if you like her or hate her. Doesn’t matter. I mean, look at her. Check out that “fuck you” expression on her face. Check out too the short skirt and the little hint of stocking. But mostly it’s the “fuck you” expression. I sent her a free iPhone when they came out. She sent it back. Bikey, you are making me nuts.

UPDATE: Photo was taken by Mitchell Aidelbaum.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A point well made

A commenter points out that if Bike Helmet Girl had been the one complaining about the 300-page phone bill, I wouldn’t be making fun of her — I’d be cutting some AT&T exec a new poop chute. And you know what? You’re right, my friend. For my dear Bikey, I would stop at nothing. (BTW, BHG, call me, bokay? Or send email. It’s been a while. I just want to know how you’re doing.) So am I a hypocrite? No way. Dudes, come on. Look at BHG. She’s hip, she’s edgy, she’s a professional modern dance performance artist. She lives in San Francisco and dances in crazy shows like this. She wears her bike helmet at parties, dances in her underwear and chews on string. Grrrrr. What’s not to love? She’s far and away my ultimate geek crush. Except for Veronica Belmont. But VB is still involved with Ryan, so I’m told. Huuuuge mistake, VB. But we’re all still hoping you’re going to ditch him when you get famous, like Tia Carrere in WW2. Or does she end up back with Wayne? I can’t remember. Meanwhile I’m told that Phone Bill Girl is so famous she has her own friggin doll. I had no idea she was such a celebritard. Man do I feel old and out of it.

UPDATE: Photo of BHG was taken by Mitchell Aidelbaum.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Somehow I suspect that Bike Helmet Girl is involved in this

Last I knew she was working as a barista so who knows? Much love to the reader who sent in this tip. If you want to see the original, go to the flickr page here. For some background on Bike Helmet Girl, see here or check out the “Bike Helmet Girl” string under Labels. She’s a huge fan. And a great dancer. And very, very attractive.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

People say I’m obnoxious and self-centered, but frankly I just don’t see it

Folks, WTF with all these thin-skinned wussies who are reading the blog all of a sudden and complaining because they get offended? What the frig do you think this blog is about? Jesus. They don’t like the Bike Helmet Girl and think it’s like porn. Ya know what? I like porn. And if you really want to be offended, scroll way down to the bottom of this page and use the search engine to find “Big Mama Gummy Bear.” Or just read through all of the Yelptard posts, and then don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. Okay? Have a nice day, you sensitive wilting flowers. Folks, the whole idea here is to give you an unvarnished look at my inner soul — to stand naked before my acolytes and let you know exactly what goes on inside the brilliant mind of Steve Jobs. You know what? It ain’t all pretty. But this is what genius looks like. This is how big ideas are born, with loads of blood and afterbirth and slimy stuff gushing from my man-cooze. (That’s right. I have one.) If you can’t handle the ride, that’s your problem. My other pet peeve is the people who keep saying the blog is too “commercial.” Um, right. This is a real slick operation. Very professional. Whew.

Bike Helmet Girl writes in– she has a gig coming up

Dudes, I’m still sort of madly in love with Tiffany, aka Bike Helmet Girl, the girl with the golden glutes (center dancer in photo above), and though my feelings are unrequited I’m still going to promote her upcoming dance show — she’s asked me to attend, and invites any FSJ readers too. I will definitely be there. I’ll be wearing a disguise, but will introduce myself to anyone who wears some kind of FSJ badge or T-shirt. (Also, FWIW, the robot on the right side of the photo is being played by Scott McNealy.) For info & tickets click here.

Just to refresh everyone’s memory, and to clue in some of the newbies, BHG is one of the original Yelptards (look it up under labels). To see some of the original hot pix of Bike Helmet Girl dancing in her underwear at a Yelptard party, see this and this on the flickr page of Mitchell “Maximum Mitch” Aidelbaum, ace photographer. Yeah. Now you see why I’m in love with her.

UPDATE: No idea why this first went up with comments not allowed. I think one of the interns here at FSJ Central is still coming up to speed. Or was coming up to speed. He’s gone now. Peace out.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I’m flattered — but also scared?

A reader sent in a comment alerting us to her FSJ fan site. See here. It’s a blog called “Fake Steve Job’s [sic} Fake Fan.” Not sure how to feel about this. One the one hand, the photo of his “lady” looks pretty hot. And her posts about us having some kind of “9 and 1/2 Weeks” sexy time together, well, I haven’t been this turned on since Bike Helmet Girl dick-teased me. Long as it doesn’t morph into “Fatal Attraction.”