Thursday, January 24, 2008

Al Gore says he’s terrified for Obama

Had dinner with Al last night and he’s like, “Man oh man, I can’t believe the way Barack is going after the Clintons. At first I thought this guy must have the biggest pair of brass balls I’ve ever seen but lately I’m starting to think that it’s not that, it’s that he just doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. You think that could be true? Like he’s never heard of Vince Foster?”

I’m like, Dude, please tell me I’m not hearing what I think I’m hearing.

Al’s like, “Trust me, I spent eight years living in close proximity to these people and I can assure you, Tipper and I were terrified the entire time. You know how people talk about someone who’ll stop at nothing? That’s the Clintons. They run the party. They own it. And one thing they made perfectly clear was that this is going to be Hillary’s year. We all got the word. Kerry got a call. So did I. Stay the fuck out of the race. Frankly, I didn’t need the call, and they knew it, but they made it anyway. It’s how they do things. Sure, they’d allow nutbags like Kucinich to run and make it look like a race. Edwards got to stay in so that Hillary would have a smarmy lawyer type prick to beat up on stage, which always goes over big with the man-haters who make up the core of her base. Plus he had the wife being sick thing to give him an out. Basically the deal was that if Edwards really started getting some momentum they’d give him a choice — bow out saying your wife needed you, or end up in a park, ruled a suicide.

“You do realize that they undermined my campaign and Kerry’s campaign so that we’d have eight years of Monkey Boy in the White House and everybody would be sick of the Republicans and begging for a Democrat? You realize that, right? I mean imagine if I’d won in 2000 and served eight years. You think Hillary could be running on my wind? Worse yet, imagine Kerry had won in 2004. He’d be running now for re-election as an incumbent. They totally destroyed his campaign. That Swift Boat stuff? It’s got the Clintons all over it. Kerry knows it, too. That’s why he’s backing Obama. There’s a whole bunch of us who’d just love to see the Clintons knocked off. But none of us really dares to take them on. We like being alive a little too much, you know?

“But then along came Obama. I can’t believe he didn’t get the phone call. So he knows the deal. He’s not supposed to be there. He’s definitely not supposed to win. Really, honestly, I fear for the guy. Because frankly, I really like him. He’s smart. He’s funny. He means well. Great wife and kids. Just a really, really nice young family. I’d love to see him in the White House. Heck, I’d love to be his vice president. I just pray that he knows what he’s doing. Who knows? Maybe he does. Maybe he’s figured out how to stop these evil bastards. I hope so. Because someone needs to.”

Then the dessert came — I had my usual cup of hot water, with lemon — and the conversation moved along to Al’s new venture, which is this Kleiner-funded company that’s buying up all this land in the mountains and building these big compounds up there for when the global warming floods start and the coastal regions get destroyed. High-elevation fortified housing, it’s called. HEFs is the nickname. Basically big bunkers up in the Rockies that are super expensive and basically look like really nice ski houses but can be converted into bunkers when the muggles get washed out of their houses and there’s no food and no fuel and they all come scrambling up into the mountains because they’ve heard the rich folks are up there with supplies. Fifty million a pop for a starter home but you’ll have a huge food stockpile and walls that can’t be pierced by rockets. Active defense — which means machine guns, rocket launchers, a weapons cache, plus a security team to operate the gear — costs extra but is totally worth it, Al says.

“We’re already taking orders,” Al says. “Tipper and I are building ours in Idaho. We’d love to have you as neighbors. It’s gonna be bad, Steve. Real bad. I know it’s hard to imagine but I’ve seen the charts and the graphs and we’re talking about a global catastrophe. Picture it. You’ve got millions of displaced persons flooded out of their homes, and they’re out there on the roads. They’re starving. There’s people dying. The power grid is down. The ATMs have stopped working. It’s like Mad Max. Or that Cormac McCarthy novel. Have you read that book? It’s amazing.”

I told him of course I’d read that Cormac McCarthy book though of course I haven’t and neither has Al and my theory is that nobody actually reads Cormac McCarthy books they just buy them and pretend to read them because honestly they’re fucking impossible to read since the guy doesn’t use punctuation and he writes these run-on sentences that just go on and on and he uses all these weird big words that nobody understands and it’s like reading goddamn Shakespeare who is another one that I swear nobody actually reads they just say they did and then they watch the Kenneth Branagh movie instead.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Caption contest

Who on earth is Al Gore talking to, and what is he saying? Crank away, gentle readers.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It’s official — Al has moved out

He just came by and told me he’s moving over to the Four Seasons in East Palo Alto. Not because we’ve shut off the air conditioning, mind you. He said nothing about that. Though I saw him this morning and he was looking pretty sweaty and drained. Trust me, the guy can’t deal with temps above seventy. He melts like a wax statue. “I just don’t want to be an imposition on you,” he says. “You’ve been really considerate and generous and a great friend, but I just feel I should go to the hotel.”

I told him I understand, and that we’d miss him and that I hoped he and Tipper could work things out, and he could have our old Mercedes station wagon for as long as he wants. Then we both did our gassho bows and said, “Namaste.” As soon as he was gone I called Breezeann and told her to fire up the damn A/C again. We’re breaking out champagne tonight.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Al Gore, world’s worst house guest

So here’s the latest. Al borrowed my wife’s G55 and went to McDonald’s, ate burgers, and left the meat-stained wrappers in the truck. “It’s death,” she says. “The smell of death. That’s what’s in there now. You’ll never get it out. I just called the dealership. They’re going to send over a new one and tow this one away. I want him out, Steve. I mean out. Now. Today.”

But here’s the thing. Al eats when he’s depressed. He’s a junk food junkie. I can’t bear to toss him out right now, considering all that he’s going through. On the other hand we really did love that Gelandewagen. It’s an AMG model and totally kicks ass. I mean it’s this huge ass truck and it still does zero to sixty in five seconds. So I’ve come up with a plan. I just called home and told Breezeann, our house manager, to shut down all the air conditioning in the house and the guest house. We’re telling Al that he’s made us realize how important the environment is and how we should be doing more to help out. It’s not super hot out here in the Valley this week, but it’s hot enough. My bet is he’s gone in two days. More as it develops.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Al Gore is driving us nuts

So he’s been with us for less than a week but we’re ready to shoot him. First of all, he’s not a vegetarian, and he keeps bringing meat into the house even though he knows we’ve got a rule about that. And he’s got nothing to do so all he does is hang out playing Wii and checking his email. Also, he’s a slob. It’s driving Mrs. Jobs nuts. I told her, You know, the guy has never had to pick up after himself. Grew up with servants on some plantation, so all through his childhood he had people picking up after him. Same as an adult. Above is a photo of what he’s done to the living room in our guest house in just a few days.

He’s also doing damage to the main house. Example: He gets a pizza delivered, and just puts the cardboard box on the coffee table in our living room and eats out of the box, with no plate, spilling crumbs everywhere. He doesn’t eat the crusts, so they end up scattered on the table alongside his empty beer cans. Then when he’s done he just gets up and goes out to the guest house and goes to bed, leaving his mess in our living room for us to clean up. (Or actually for our house manager but whatever.) He doesn’t even shut off the TV. He also leaves the lights on all the time, which is kind of a pet peeve for me and Mrs. Jobs.

So just now the wife called me at work and gave me an ultimatum. The old “he goes or I go” thing. So I’m going to have to call him. I’m dreading it, seriously.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Al and Tipper’s argument

Like all of these things, it’s so silly how the whole thing got started. Apparently Tipper got upset during Madonna’s performance at Live Earth because Madge kept using what Tipper calls “the MF word.” (For the record, I believe what Madonna said was, “If you wanna save the planet, stand the fuck up, motherfuckers!” Which in my mind makes perfect sense.) So after the set, Tipper goes backstage and reads Madonna the riot act, saying there were kids in the audience and kids watching on TV and what kind of example is Madonna setting? Then she says Madge is going to get fined since there were riders in all the contracts prohibiting profanity and forcing performers to pay penalties if they broke the rules. Madge freaks out and starts going all Cockney on Tipper, using a fake working-class British accent and sounding like a female Ali G. Then Al gets involved and — here’s the mistake — sides with Madonna. Or, at least, agrees that there won’t be any fines levied on Her Madgesty. At which point Tipper goes nuts and tells Al he’s a drooling idiot and a ridiculous loser and how she was supposed to be first lady back in 2000 and instead here she is still schlepping around trying to get his fat ass elected and hanging out with circus freaks at rock concerts.

Yeah. Ugly. Al never went home. First he hung with Bono for a while but Bono got sick of him and “accidentally” forgot to tell Al their plane was leaving one morning, so Al got stranded in Morocco. He called me, drunk and crying, and I sent the Jobs Jet to fetch him. Now he’s with us and I have no idea when he’s leaving. Mrs. Jobs is not thrilled. More on this as it develops.

Bit of an argument at dinner last night

So Jerry York is a total global warming skeptic. Doesn’t even try to be polite about it. Just scoffs openly and taunts the shit out of Al Gore — who, as it turns out, is staying with us for a while since he and Tipper are having some problems again. So last night Jerry was in town and came over for dinner and he starts going on to Al about how it must have been pretty embarrassing to have that global warming concert wiped out in South Africa because of record cold temperatures and unprecedented snowfall. He says, You know, Al, I was looking at the climate trend data in South Africa, and one day last week the temperature was fifteen degrees lower than on the same date last year. Which means if this trend continues for another twenty years the average temperature in South Africa will be two hundred degrees below zero all year round, and the country will be covered by an ice sheet fourteen feet thick. Scary, right? I mean, we’ve got to do something!

Al sort of chuckles like he’s already heard this one way too many times and as if Jerry is just some poor retard who doesn’t understand science. He says, Jerry, see, this is why we’re now focusing on climate change rather than global warming. People got this idea about global warming in their heads and that’s really not the problem at all. Some parts of the globe are getting warmer; others are getting colder. It’s the change that we’re focused on, and in particular the severity of that change.

Jerry says, Well, um, excuse me, but if people somehow got the wrong idea that we were supposed to be worried about warming, isn’t that kind of your fault? Because I’m pretty sure you’re the one who got the warming thing going with that movie of yours, talking about how the atmosphere was acting like a greenhouse and the whole planet was getting warmer and warmer. But now if some parts of the globe are getting colder, that kind of destroys the greenhouse metaphor, doesn’t it? I mean, you don’t hear about greenhouses where over in some corner the air’s getting freezing cold, do you?

Al says, I actually never talked about global warming. That’s just not what I said. Jerry says, Actually that is exactly what you said, but anyway, if you’re going to weasel out of it now and talk about climate change, okay, be my guest. But tell me this. If you don’t like change, what are you advocating? That the entire planet’s climate should remain exactly the same forever and ever amen? No change at all in any direction can ever be allowed? Or what is it? We could have a little change, but not too much? How much would be okay? And who’s going to decide this? You? Or some panel at the United Nations? You really think we should get involved in trying to micromanage all these little microclimates and if they’re deviating in any direction, up or down, we’ve got to keep pulling all these levers and changing our behavior trying to just keep the entire planet the same, temperature-wise, for the rest of all time? One year things start to get too warm, we cut back on fossil fuel usage, but then if things get too cold, we do what, we burn more gas or something to try and bring things back to normal? And if Africa’s getting cold while we’re getting warm do we burn more gas in Africa but less gas here or what?

Al says, Jerry, you aren’t seriously suggesting that there’s not a problem, are you? I mean every scientist in the world who’s got half a brain has already signed off on this. I mean, you and I can sit here debating the science till we’re blue in the face but let’s be honest we’re not scientists and we don’t know what we’re talking about.

Jerry says, Well it’s refreshing finally to hear you admit that. Al says, I was talking about you, not me. Jerry says, Well, if you want my opinion I think you just want something big and scary and invisible that you can use to scare the shit out of people and get them whipped up behind some cause. It’s the oldest trick in the book. You create some big terrifying boogeyman. It’s what the Bushies have been doing with the rag-heads. But let’s be honest. Your real cause, at the end of the day, is “Cause I want to be president.” And since we’ve been drinking and since I’m so rich that I don’t give a shit who I offend let me say that I actually feel kind of bad for you, Al. Because you’re basically a nice guy with modest talents and a decent, though not outstanding, brain, and you had all sorts of unrealistic expectations placed upon you and had every advantage given to you but in the end you just didn’t have what it takes to fulfill your father’s ambitions.

Jerry says, It’s tough, I agree, to grow up in a rich Southern family with a daddy who’s a U.S. Senator and who gets you into Congress at 29 and the Senate at 36 and paves the way for you to become president. But eventually you bumped up against your own limitations, and unfortunately you had to do it on the biggest stage in the world, and you failed and got humiliated in the most public way possible. I felt bad for you in 2000 and I feel bad for you now. You had a good run with this global warming thing, and now that half the planet is freezing instead of warming you’re trying to call it climate change, but come on, that’s just clumsy and awkward and it smacks of bad PR — it sounds, in fact, like the kind of “pivot” you used to use in your campaign in 2000. Worse yet, the only thing you can possibly accomplish here is to fuck up our economy while doing nothing about the climate. So please, Al. Go do something else to win your daddy’s love. Lift weights. Make a billion dollars. Grow your hair, buy a guitar and make a rock and roll record. But not this.

By this point Al was in tears. And Jerry goes, You see? You see what I’m saying? How you going to run for president and stand up under that heat when you can’t even take a little crap from me? Jerry says, Steve, what do you think? Am I right or am I right? Don’t you agree? But I just put up my hands and beat feet out of there. The fact is, I love Al Gore. He’s like a brother to me. I think he’d be a great president. And I friggin hate Jerry York. If I didn’t need him to protect me on this SEC thing I’d bounce his ass off the board today.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Oh, Al, you coy bitch, just run already

Hope you’ve seen this cover story in Time about Al Gore. Money quote from me: “If he ran, there’s no question in my mind that he would be elected. But I think there’s a question in his mind, perhaps because the pain of the last election runs a lot deeper than he lets most of us see.”

Al, the whole Valley is holding out for you. We hate Hillary. Obama refuses to kiss our ass and tell us how smart and important we are. Edwards is too smarmy, and he reminds us of all the scumbag class-action lawyers who shake us down with shareholder suits every time our stocks drop a few bucks. We won’t vote for a Republican. Period.

Al, we need you. And you know you’re going to do it, no matter what Tipper tells you. So quit friggin around and announce, for Christ’s sake.

Monday, March 26, 2007

This options thing actually has nothing to do with me

So I was talking to Jerry York about all this legal stuff. He says there’s nothing he can do to pull strings in Washington. The orders on this one go all the way to the top. He says that first of all the Bushies are pissed cause I’ve been such a vocal supporter of Democrats. But also, the real target, according to Jerry, isn’t me — it’s Al Gore. Basically the Bushies want to tar him with this, and I’m just caught in the crossfire. The Repubes figure they can neutralize Al and keep him from running. They don’t need to bring charges — yet. But when they do, it’s not just the management team that’s gonna get hit, it’s the board too.

Jerry’s like, Kid I told you from the start we shouldn’t put that retard on the board, with all this global warming bullshit and his big fat dumb drawl and all his political enemies. Do you realize how much Bush hates this guy? And you go and put him on your board. Smart, kid. Friggin brilliant. You knew last summer that he was nuts. Hell, he called and told you himself that he’s wacky. Damn, kid.

It’s true, we all hate Hillary

Well the Journal finally got around to reporting today (see here) what I told everyone on my blog last summer. Out here in the Valley we friggin hate Hillary Clinton. Check out my piece called The Clintstones if you want to get the real skinny on the down-and-dirty meeting we all had with Hill and Bill last summer. It wasn’t pretty, trust me.