Friday, October 12, 2007

Much love, Al Gore

Many of you know this already, but for those who don’t: We’ve dedicated our home page to Al today. My idea. But I wanted to run a photo of Al and me standing together. Katie said we were better doing Al by himself. Okay. Whatevs. Al wants to coast on our good karma and use our halo effect to advance his career, good enough. We’ll play along. It’s good for us too. Peace out.

Al tells me to back off

Just called. He’s like, Steve, I really appreciate your sentiments on this idea about me running for office, but honestly, you really need to drop that line of thinking. Or at least stop talking about it in public. Do you have any idea what Hillary has threatened to do to me if I try to run against her? It’s not just idle talk, brother. These people play for keeps. I mean, have you read “Primary Colors”? Do you have any idea what we’d be dealing with? One example. Tipper called me this morning. Our cat is missing. Mr. Bojangles. Right. Then I get a call from Hillary to congratulate me on the prize and she says, “Oh, and how’s the family? Kid doing fine? Say, do you still have that little black-and-white cat?” Then she does that weird laugh of hers. You think that’s a coincidence? No way. It’s a warning. It’s their way of letting me know, Don’t even think about it. So look, Steve, I’m begging you. Ixnay on the ampaign-cay, all right? It just ain’t gonna happen. I’m sorry.

Dear Al: Now you must run

Dear Al:
Congratulations on our Nobel Peace Prize. I am so proud to have been right by your side these past years, working closely together with you. Now our hard work has been recognized. It is time for us to ask ourselves, What’s next?

I know you are a modest, humble, self-effacing man. I know you do not seek glory for yourself. I know you were hurt, badly, the last time you ran. You swore to yourself that you would never do that again, that you would devote your life to monkish study and selfless pursuit of the cause that matters most to you — saving our planet from destruction. You would retreat from the spotlight, where you had never been comfortable anyway. You would spend time with your wife and family. You would read books, and write books, and make films. You would, ironically, go back full circle to your days as a young man, when you told yourself you would change the world.

Well, you have changed the world. Profoundly. You have raised awareness of the most pressing issue of our time. You have put the entire world on red alert. You have opened our eyes to the invisible danger that lurks all around us. And you know what? Along the way you have become a better campaigner than you ever were back in the day when you were actually running for office. You’re like Obi-Wan Kenobi — struck down, you have become more powerful than we could ever have imagined.

Now it is time. You must run. Not because you want to run, but precisely because you don’t want to run. That, Al, is your strongest point. You don’t want it. You don’t need it. You dare now to be yourself. No artificiality, no stiffness, no falseness. You are who you are. And we need you. We, your fellow Americans. We need you. Now more than ever. Our nation’s soul, hurt by this foolish war, cries out to you. We’ve been wounded by an administration so obsessed with so-called “terrorists” that they don’t notice the earth’s temperature rising at an alarming rate — nearly a tenth of a degree in just the last ten years. So blinded by fear of Iran that they don’t see the snowcap receding on Mt. Kilimanjaro, and icebergs melting and breaking apart in Antarctica. For nearly eight years we have suffered under this madness. This must end.

Al, I say this as your friend, but also as an American: Run. Run, damn you. Dig us out of this hole we’ve fallen into. Larry and I and the rest of the Valley will give you all the money you need. Just run. Run. (Photo paid for by Norman Hsu, Democratic National Committee.)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Goddammit, I just know Al Gore is going to get the Nobel

See here. He’s the odds-on favorite this year. Now look. I know I should be happy for him. But I have to be honest. It hurts. As many of you know I have this silly habit of sitting by the phone on the day the Nobel winners are announced. Now it looks pretty certain that this year I’m out and Al is the man. Sure, I’ll smile and tell him how great this is. I’ll probably even host a party for him. But deep down inside, it’s killing me. The Oscar I could deal with. But man oh man. The Nobel? It’s something I’ve wanted for years, and Al knows it. Well I hope it doesn’t mess up our friendship. Do you have any idea how insufferable he’ll be if he gets this? He’s already the biggest windbag I’ve ever met. If I didn’t need him to fend off the SEC he’d be out on his ass in a heartbeat. Jerry York says I should just STFU because if Al wins this then he’s a shoo-in for president, and if Al Gore is president we can get away with anything. (Photo paid for by Norman Hsu, Democratic National Committee.)

Saturday, June 23, 2007

We must get Al Gore to run for president

I’ve held off saying much about this in public. But I can’t wait any longer. I can’t stay silent. I won’t be able to live with myself if I do. Can’t you feel it? The world is getting warmer. A lot warmer. The warming trend is accelerating. The crisis has become urgent. Last night I flew down to L.A. for a meeting at Barbra Streisand’s house to discuss global warming. It was a big crowd. People flew in from all around the world. Sting and Trudie, Bono, George Soros, John Doerr (who choked up and blubbered again as he did on stage recently), loads of VCs from the Valley, Andy Grove, T.J. Rodgers, Sergey and Larry (who took separate planes because I guess they’re not on good terms these days) and Squirrel Boy who also flew in by himself on his own 767, plus the usual line-up of studio executives and A-list Hollywood actors, like Brad and Angelina and Leo, and Larry David’s weirdo ex-wife, who was holding hands with Sheryl Crow, though I’m not sure if they’ve hooked up or what. Al was there as the featured speaker. I’m telling you, he’s electric. He’s fantastic. This crusade to save the planet has brought something out in him. He’s not the plodding, boring robot that he used to be. He’s a passionate, messianic robot. He’s en fuego, as the Romans used to say.

According to Al, in just the past six months — the past six months — the planet’s temperature has gone up 1.5 degrees Celsius. It’s the biggest leap in temperature ever recorded in such a short period of time. Worse yet, a huge chunk of Iceland fell off a few weeks ago. The biggest chunk ever. A chunk the size of Greenland. Don’t bother looking for any articles about this in the media. They’re all too busy trying to get paparazzi photos of Paris Hilton gnawing on dildoes in her jail cell. The ocean temperature has also gone up so much that fish like tuna and swordfish are migrating to the wrong places and fishermen can’t figure out how to find them, which I guess from the perspective of Greenpeace is a good thing, but still. Most scary of all is that the ocean levels have risen in some places by as much as a foot in the past 12 months. If the current rate of ocean warming and rising continues, according to Al, by the year 2010 one-third of the United States will be underwater, and that water will be the temperature of a warm bath. By 2020 more than half the nation will be submerged, and the water will be boiling. We’ll be boiled alive, in our own homes, like lobsters in a pot. It will happen so slowly that we won’t even notice it until we’re dead.

People, we can’t put Hilary in the White House. We just can’t. She’s obsessed with health care and isn’t paying any attention to our imminent lobsterization. Obama isn’t any better. We need Al. I told him that last night. I’ve been telling him that for months. I know, deep in his heart, that he wants to do it. But something is holding him back. I guess it’s the deep psychic wounds from his defeat in 2000.

We’re going to have to recruit him. A reader named Dave wrote to me today suggesting that we should start by choosing Al Gore’s campaign song, the way Hilary ran a contest to find her dumbass song by Celine Dion. (Which by the way is reason enough not to vote for her.) If someone wants to set up a YouTube channel, by all means, do it and I’ll promote it here, and link to good submissions. My song suggestions so far are these: “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder or “I Want to Take You Higher” by Sly & the Family Stone. Or “Blowin’ in the Wind” not because it has anything to do with global warming but because it’s the greatest song ever written in all of human history.