Monday, May 3, 2010

Meanwhile, the real journalists are focusing on what matters

Thank you, David Pogue, for your wonderful blog posts about technology that keeps people from using cell phones while driving, and a piece about how you made the video to go with that, plus new services from cable companies and a shout-out to Android for being such a crappy, plucky little also-ran in the mobile computing space. Plus some great stuff on passport photos, music-sharing tips, and a fitness monitor.

You too, Walt Mossberg. The stuff has been terrific lately, eg, “Cookies, Android Phones, and using a Kindle in Japan.” And: “A Brief Rundown of What You Need in a Laptop.” (Top thing you need: An Apple logo. Nice.)

Guys, we realize it’s been slow lately, and there hasn’t been much going on in the tech space, especially around Apple. But you’re doing a great job of finding things to write about. Keep up the good work.

Yet more hate

Now some insightful fellow says we’re China:

The recent war between Apple and Adobe and the justifications made in Apple’s defense (ignore the predatory behavior in the tech space because it is too big a market to ignore) bring to mind the attitude that most large American corporations have regarding China (ignore the civil rights abuses because it is too big a market to ignore).

Hoo boy.

Adobe is like that weirdo girl that you slept with once because you were drunk at a party, and now she won’t go away

I mean we keep dropping hints, right? But they don’t get it. We’re like, Okay, we’re not going to run Flash on the iPhone, because, um, resource hog. Then we come out with iPad and we knock ourselves out bragging about how much processor power and battery life it has, but we still block Flash, because of, um, it makes Macs crash. So Adobe says fine, we’ll do this Flash Packager thing, so you won’t need to put Flash on the iPad, and we go, Uh, no, because of, intermediate layers and cross-platform tools. So now they say Okay, fine, we’ll rewrite that entire Wired app in Objective C, to meet your guidelines. Which means now we’re scrambling again to come up with yet another way to block them, and the best one we can come up with so far is that we’ll make rule that says media companies can only use third-party developers that are on our approved list, and then we’ll make a list that includes every company in the world except Adobe. Either that or we’ll say we’re only approving apps from magazines whose titles begin with the letters A through V and X through Z, and hope that maybe they don’t figure it out.

Katie Cotton

But then Katie “Sue Sylvester” Cotton is like, Why are you guys being such pussies? She goes, Steve, look, I was a mean girl in high school, and back in those days, in the 1970s, we used to have a name for girls like this. We called them Klingons, because they kept clinging on, geddit? And you need to trust me on this that the only way to deal with a Klingon is direct confrontation with phasers set to kill. Just tell her, look, I know we had sex that one time at that party where I was really wasted and I thought you were someone else, and I know it was a big deal for you because I’m really popular and you’re so not, but you have to understand. It’s not going to happen again. Okay? And then she’ll say, Wait a minute, you mean we’re breaking up, and you say, No, see, we were never going out, I just used you and now I’m done with you and I really don’t want you bugging me any more and if you keep it up I will get a restraining order and you’ll be so embarrassed that even the kids in band won’t hang out with you.

So I’m like, What? You want me to get a restraining order against Adobe? She’s like, No, Just tell them the truth. Remind them of that time you went to meet with Warnock and he told you he was focusing on Windows now instead of Macintosh and it was nothing personal they just needed to make a business decision, and you screamed at Warnock and had a tantrum in his lobby and said, I will fucking destroy your company! I will destroy you! I will make you come to me and beg for your life and I will just look at you and laugh! And then when your company is dead I will go to your neighborhood and burn down your homes and shoot your dogs and laugh as I listen to the lamentation of your women! Just wait and see! And then just tell them, Well, my dear friends, do you hear your women lamentationing? Because that day has now arrived.

And maybe Katie is right. So okay. Here goes.

Adobe, here’s the deal. I don’t like you. I never did. I just used you. Now you’re wondering why I keep avoiding you in the cafeteria at lunchtime and ignoring your increasingly pathetic texts. Adobe, the truth is, I’m just not into you. I know it hurts to hear that. At least, I hope it does. Does it? Good. Now go back to the weirdo kid table and eat your lunch, okay? Bye.

Friday, April 9, 2010

While we were singing praises of OS 4.0 …

As Dear Leader was successfully demonstrating the next evolutionary step in cyberhuman development, developers were aghast at the new programming restrictions quietly introduced for the iPhone and iPad platform. Essentially, it bans the use of Adobe programming tools for the iPhone. I never saw so many knickers tied in knots since a Beta Theta Pi frat pledge panty raid at a Delta Delta Delta sorority, but less fun, I can tell you, though a number of people feel like they got royally screwed afterwards.

It’s totally official, now. It’s open warfare on Adobe and Apple feels it can bend the will of the developers with this latest decree. It’s a ballsy move, as many may openly revolt and go over to Android, which has no qualms about about using Adobe, and the Google team is now preparing to work closely with Adobe and hopefully make their stuff less buggy, a lot quicker and easier to use.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Goo-dobe? Ad-oogle? Fl-oogle? G-ash?

A number of open source pantywaists are getting their knickers in a right sheepshank over the burgeoning alliance between champeen of open source code, Google (really? Tell me and the rest of the community out there, what’s the secret algorithm, then, Squirrel Boy?), and proprietary graphic media overlords Adobe (you know, they didn’t invent Flash, they only bought the company that invented the stuff). It’s no secret that there is going to be netbooks and tablets by Christmas which will support Flash running the Chrome OS and be out there competing and getting a fair share of what traditionally had been Windows (and Linux’s) share of the market. Part of the scuttlebutt about that fabled meeting between Dear Leader and Squirrel Boy on the coffee shop patio touched on how Google is going to be influencing Adobe on improving the code in Flash, perhaps finally making it open source, though I wouldn’t bet on Flash going GPL or LGPL, probably closer to MPL. Another part of the scuttlebutt is that Jobs wanted it confirmed by looking straight in Squirrel Boy’s face whether or not Google and Adobe has been feeling each other out for eventual merger. (You’d think the part of the reason Jobs is abandoning Adobe is because Google is embracing it ?) Say what you will about Squirrel Boy, though, the engineers at Google insist on writing tight elegant code that gets peer reviewed to death before it goes out into the wild. Adobe, Microsoft and even Apple, on the other hand, have been known to release unsecure code, either knowingly or unknowingly, until some white, black or gray hat hacker informs the community, the company involved or the rest of the world, forcing a quick (or not so quick) patch. If Google’s engineers get to fiddle underneath the hood of Adobe Flash, one of two things may happen: 1.) They’ll probably think, “What a load of crud!”, throw the whole thing out and insist on starting from scratch, or 2.) pare down and eliminate all the buggy and useless stuff and make Flash both speedy and secure. I’m betting on the first option, myself. A third unstated option may be, why not stick with HTML 5****, and work on making that work more smoothly, more quickly and more secure, and to hell with Flash, Silverlight, Pivot and JavaFX? If that option crops up, I’d blame the blind idealists within Google’s code monkey tribe. Part of what makes Google successful is that they used open source code from day one in their operation and are now the eighty ton King Kong in the free and open source world, paying for and dictating the direction of where a lot of that code should go and that’s okay for most developers (except for a few justified paranoid cases out there). Microsoft is failing because they own the code they roll out and want to make the whole world use and pay for that code through the nose and dictate how the users employ the code. Then they ditch or disable that code just enough that you have to buy an upgrade that does exactly the same thing. People are getting sick and tired of that, especially since the Redmond brand of code is really, really, really sloppy, is still buggy and gets in the users way. People buy into Apple’s stuff because it’s code looks cool and elegant and doesn’t get in anybody’s way when they wanna’ do something (most of the time). People don’t mind upgrading, in fact, line up for days in anticipation of the new stuff. Google’s stuff is simple and just works. And if there’s a problem or the stuff don’t fly, out it goes, on to the next project.  Adobe’s stuff is slow, unwieldy and complicated. Now it needs a smart injection soon, especially if enough iPads take off to seriously influence how developers use video and graphics on the web. Who knows, if Google fixes Flash to the satisfaction of a certain man in Cupertino ….

****The HTML5 editor is Ian Hickson of Google, Inc. Just thought you ought to know, folks. So, that’s another reason Dear Leader may have been having that nice chat with Squirrel Boy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Flash: Kara visits Adobe CTO

Geddit? Flash? Newsflash..and then Adobe Fl-never mind. All Things D’s Kara Swisher ventured over to Adobe HQ to meet with their CTO Kevin Lynch. As mentioned in the article, you might think Lynch would be a bit wound up after all the iPad blowback. But no, he calmly chats with Kara about the latest Adobe efforts and other matters. Like the specs, BTW.