Thursday, February 15, 2007

Uncle Fester is backpedaling on Vista

So now Ballmer says maybe Vista isn’t going to do as well this year as they’d previously thought. See here.Then he takes a crack at me and our “I’m a Mac” ads:

I’ll give Apple credit for what it’s done. It’s not like they’ve really grown a lot of market share. Remember, when you’re the little tiny niche guy who owns about 2 percent of the worldwide market, you can be cute one time and it helps you grow.

You know what? Sure, I’d like to have more market share. But I’d rather have 2% share with something I can be proud of than 95% share of a pile of dog crap. But that’s just me I guess.

"Mac in My Top"

Much love to the reader who sent this in. And to the ladies who made this wonderful video, please get in touch. Free fake Macs for all of you. You sweet hot sexy mamas. Namaste.

IBMer found in Second Life, refuses to come out

After an exhaustive manhunt lasting more than a week, renowned IBM computer scientist Dr. Irving Wladawsky-Berger surfaced yesterday in Second Life, saying he had decided to make the virtual environment his permanent home. He is playing shortstop for the Second Life Mets and has changed his name to an acronym based on his initials, DIWB, or “Dweeb.” Said his annoyed wife, Mrs. Dr. Irving Wladawsky-Berger: “Oh, that’s just Irving being Irving.” As we first reported here, scientists at Google and other Silicon Valley companies last week launched a huge effort to find DIWB, a much-revered figure in high tech. A Google Earth team spent days frantically searching satellite images in hopes of finding DIWB alive. In a rambling, often incoherent interview with CNET, DIWB said, “I found a place here in Little Havana that makes the best Cuban sandwich you’ve ever eaten, I swear to God, I’m not even kidding. And the brothels! Don’t get me started. I appreciate all the concern, but honestly, I’m not coming out.”

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

A Valentine from Steve

No, baby, I didn’t forget what day it is. Not at all, lover. How could I? No, I was just teasing you. I wanted to build the suspense a little bit. Because you know, on this day of all days, you’re the only thing I can think about, my sweet dove. And I made you this special Valentine’s Day card, with my own hands, with paper and glue and scissors, so you could have it and look at it and just think of me, and know that I’m thinking of you right back. I even made it while sitting in front of a mirror, so I could see myself thinking about you and think about how sexy it is for me to be thinking of you and you to be thinking of me. Yeah, that’s the word. Sexy. Say it. Breathe softly and say it. Mmmm. Sexy. Girl, you make me want to lick my desk. Now ladies, and I know there are a lot of my readers out there who are ladies, well, if you’re out there tonight, reading this, and you’re home all by yourself, and you’re starting to feel a little bad about all this, well, stop right there. Don’t feel bad. Print out this picture of me. Check out young Steve, all lean and handsome, with that full thick head of dark hair, and those deep soulful almond-shaped eyes, those sexy bare feet, that cup of coffee and loaf of bread, that bottle of wine and those flowers: this is how I want you to imagine me. This was way back, back in the old days, the innocent days. Now just print this one out, ladies, and tape it up on your refrigerator, or bring it to bed with you, or better yet, I’ll tell you what. Call up a florist and order yourself a dozen long-stem red roses. When the flowers arrive, clip this photo to them, along with a note saying they’re from me. Hold those sexy flowers to your nose and drink in their fragrance and remember how special and sexy you are to me. Or better yet, let’s take this to another level. Let’s put the freak on. How about you draw yourself a nice hot bath, and fill that water with sensual bubbles and special oils and such things. Switch off all the lights. Now light yourself some flowery scented candles and some of that sexy sandalwood incense. Put this photo at the foot of your bathtub. Imagine my sexy breath on your neck, my lips next to your ears, saying, Boom. Eighty gigabytes. That’s right. All eighty. Boom. Slip into that bathtub, slowly. Ease yourself in. That’s it. Put some mad crazy sexy lovemaking music on that iPod of yours, and gently … ever so gently … push those earbuds into your ears. Deeper. That’s it. Now a little deeper. Aw, yeah. Now are you feeling me? Because I’m feeling you, lover. I really am. Boom. A touch screen. Feel that? Go ahead. Multi-touch it. Insane, right? Boom. Happy Valentine’s Day.
–Love, Steve

Great piece by John Gruber

On his Daring Fireball blog. See here. John shows once again why he is far and away the best writer going when it comes to all things Macintosh. (In other words: He’s defending my DRM letter against its critics.) Much love, Groobs. Peace out.

The Squirrel Boy rumor

Apparently there is this rumor going around the Valley that the reason we brought Eric Schmidt onto our board is so that he can step up and be CEO if I have to step down during this SEC investigation into the options stuff. I just want to say, this is totally not true. And even if I do have to step down it will only be temporary. But I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have to. We’re really working hard to get this whole thing settled and put away. You can’t believe the crap that Nancy Pelosi is putting me through, however. That lady gets your balls in a vise and friggin squeezes, let me tell ya. Free use of the JobsJet, iPods and iMacs for her nine hundred grandchildren, donations (cash only, in suitcases) to the Pelosi Library. I mean who even knew this crazy dame even had a friggin library?

Anyway, have no fear. Squirrel Boy is not going to be running Apple. At least not yet. And not permanently. I think. Um, okay. Peace out.

Yahoo music dude jumps on my anti-DRM bandwagon

And tries to act like he got there first. Money quote:

“I’ve long advocated removing DRM on music because there is already a lot of music available without DRM, and it just makes things complicated for the user.”

Oh, and now that the fabulous Steve Jobs is saying this in public, I’d like to take credit too. Please.

The Zune complaint blog

Okay ladies and gents, this site is just too ripe. Not saying what you should or shouldn’t do but I’d imagine it might be fun to dream up some really creative weird Zune-related problems. eg: “Dude, my Zune keeps scrambling pieces of one song into another song, is anyone else having this problem? Like it’s doing its own DJ mix on my songs and it’s really freaking me out.” One warning: Do NOT all go straight from this blog. Otherwise, as with the LinuxPetitionTards, the ZuneTards will figure out the source of the prank and just throw up a blockade. Be stealthy. Much love.

More praise for my DRM open letter

See here. Bob Lefsetz also takes a few shots at that idiot Edgar Bronfman Jr. of Warner. But my favorite quote comes in an aside:

My MacPro computer with its 23″ HD screen makes my dick hard every time I walk by it. Because it’s so fucking BEAUTIFUL! And it’s never ever crashed, not a single fucking time.

That just made my day. Namaste, Bob Lefsetz.

At last people are realizing

What a powerhouse we are becoming. See this article where the dude tried to figure out how we strong-armed Lions Gate into accepting our terms to sell movies on the iTunes store. Money quote:

So, let’s just call this deal what it really is: more proof that Apple is becoming the heaviest of the new Hollywood heavies.

Right on.