Saturday, February 17, 2007

Telstra to Apple: Stick to your knitting

Some dude from Telstra says we’re making a mistake building the iPhone and we should “stick to our knitting.” See here. Now, I don’t know who this guy is. And I don’t see why some refrigerator manufacturer in New Zealand should be telling us how to run our business. But the iPhone is a perfectly natural next step for us. Second, we go into any business we want. And we win. If we want to make Apple iToasters, we will. And you know what? They’ll rock. And they’ll cost a fortune. And people will line up to buy them. Or watch out, Telstra man. Maybe we’ll start making refrigerators, and put you guys right out of business. Put that on the barbie and grill it.

Stallman: Why do people keep calling me a Communist?

Richard Stallman just can’t figure out why people keep saying he’s a communist. He says he can’t help it if he happens to get along with communists, really, really well. And they all view him as a hero. Like at this conference in Havana where he got a standing ovation. Look, can Richard help it if these people love him for being such a non-communist hard-liner capitalist? Cause that’s what he is. Yep. These friggin commies just love his free-market, pro-America, pro-capitalism, pro-democracy philosophy. Funny old world.

I just don’t get British humor. Or is it humour?

Says here that our “Get a Mac” ads aren’t working in the UK. You know what? It’s true. I hate to admit it but the ads are backfiring. As the article says, instead of creating the impression that Macs are hip and cool, “Some viewers complained that the ads reinforced the `smug superiority’ stereotype of the typical Mac user.” I think this is because most Brits already go around feeling smug and superior. So they don’t know how to handle our smug, superior attitude. Kind of overwhelms their tiny British brains, I guess.

This morning’s unauthorized Journal story

Maybe you’ve seen this morning’s A1 story in the Wall Street Journal which by the way we did not authorize and will not link to. It’s a paid site anyway and I’m totally against that. Gist is that I was a total hard-ass with the frigtards at Cingular and drove some really hard deal or whatever. We are working very hard right now to find out who leaked to the press on this. When we find out those people will join the illustrious ranks of ex-Apple employees. But just for your information, the story doesn’t get halfway into what a total dick I was to those guys. The whole point of being all secretive like we are is that so people are dying to meet us. And they think we must possess some secret power or something because nobody knows anything about our company. They feel like Martin Sheen when he finally gets to meet Brando in Apocalypse Now. And I totally do the Brando thing. I insult them. I speak in a very low voice. I speak in riddles. I remind them that I could have them all killed right now, right here in this room. At that point they’re just willing to buy anything I say. Plus, I throw in some NLP trigger words and hypnosis techniques. Works like a charm. Sigman at Cingular went under in about 30 seconds first time I met him. Eyes rolled right up in his head. Next thing I know he’s chanting, “We are a commodity. You are the value. We are a commodity. You are the value.” Verizon guys were much more difficult. They’re kind of the cell phone version of us; they really think they’re the shizzle. Frankly, all the phone carrier guys are basically cretins. It’s just a matter of finding out which one will be the most submissive, then hauling out the hood and dog collar.

Britney Spears shaves her head

Not sure if this is some kind of Vista protest. Or Zune. Or maybe the Norwegians got to her and she’s angry about DRM. Who knows? Well, at least now the drapes match the carpet.

Kid defaces Powerbook, allowed to live

See this flickr page. Guy’s kid snuck in when he wasn’t paying attention and drew all over his Powerbook with a Sharpie. Page also links to a YouTube vid about the episode. Good news is, a little alcohol was all it took to clean up the P-book. That’s how good we are. We have a stain-resistant casing on all our machines. And yes, in case you’re wondering, I’m the one who thought of that. You’re welcome.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Yeah, I met this girl

True story. I got to attend the shoot and put the iPod in position. Better yet, this was a loaner iPod, so I got to take it home with me. I’ve got it here on my desk. Jon Ive keeps coming in to borrow it. Not sure why.

Maybe you think it’s funny

To laugh at my misfortunes. Apparently this guy does. Well, I don’t. Sorry. Then again, I’m the poor bastard who’s gonna be wearing an orange jump suit and trying to avoid the communal shower.

Search for another missing blogger

Our BSD guys alerted me this morning to an ongoing story about the disappearance of a blogger called Pamela Jones of Groklaw. Apparently the open source community has launched a huge search effort to try to find her. Supposedly nobody has ever seen this person so nobody knows quite what they should be looking for. But this drawing is the best anyone has to go on. Also there’s a support blog here where you can sign a petition urging law enforcement officials to step up their activities. Blog also is following all breaking news related to the case. If you’re a Linux fan I guess you might be interested. Peace out.

The noose tightens

You’ve probably seen the stories like this one about the feds trying to speed up their inquisition on the options stuff. And yeah, when they talk about “Apple officials” they are most definitely talking about El Jobso. Friends, I am this close to just pulling an OJ and fleeing the country. The JobsJet is fueled and ready. This whole thing is just total horsecrap.