Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Headline: Steve Jobs Has Guts

In the New York Sun no less. See here. They’re loving the fact that I dared to say that teachers unions breed frigtards. Well I guess it was kind of ballsy. I don’t know. I’m sick of holding back. My exploratory committee is still working and this teacher stuff was kind of a trial balloon. If I run it’ll be on the left but I’m not going to just rubber stamp every leftie issue. So get used to it people. President Jobs is gonna be the education president but not the kind you’re used to.

We’re announcing a major new alliance

Namaste, FOFSJ. Maybe you’ve noticed some new buttons on the sidebar of my blog. Or you might have seen this story about the huge multi-billion-dollar deal that I’ve struck with the Wired publishing empire. Well, it’s true. As you know, I recently made a desperate and somewhat shameless plea for a sponsor. (What choice do I have when I’m collecting a $1 per year salary and facing some serious legal fees over this options bullshit?) Well after a fierce bidding war I have found a happy home in the warm soft furry bosom of Wired magazine.

Yes, I’ve taken the mickey out of Wired in the past. Mostly for their long-ago habit of writing stories in circles around the page and using other creative approaches to typography. I’m told this no longer happens in Wired. Certainly not in Wired online. Anyway, they’re definitely the kind of guys who remember to give you a reach-around when they’re doing you know what, which is more than I can say for most folks out here in the Valley (cough Larry cough Google cough cough). And I’m very very psyched to be starting what I believe will be a beautiful relationship with them.

And to be honest, another reason I’m psyched about this is that I recently have become a huge fan of Leander Kahney, who writes the Cult of Mac blog for Wired. (That’s the two of us in the photo above.) So I’ll probably be keeping an eye on his stuff, and vice versa. Also, his book, The Cult of Mac, is a must-read. Honestly. I’m reading it now and it’s great. And I’m not just saying that because they’re paying me. Seriously. I’m not. Honest. Go buy it.

All joking aside: nothing about the blog will change. It will still be the same sicko stuff. It’s just that now I’ll be getting a little of the green stuff to keep this offensive site limping along. And I know what you’re wondering. Hey Fake Steve, what can I do to help? Well, if you’d like to click on a few Wired links now and then, well, that would be nice. Show some love to the nice people who care enough to sponsor Fake Steve. Much love, Wired. And much love, readers. Peace out.

Squirrel Boy is freaking out

Big surprise, doofus. The big TV networks don’t want to give you their content for YouTube. Shocking! You know sometimes I think these guys at Google have been smoking their own inflated stock for so long that they can’t think straight anymore. They’re like one of these NBA players who’s been banging any woman wants for so long that he’s shocked when someone says no. “You mean you won’t just give us your content and let us sell ads against it and keep all the money for ourselves? What’s wrong with you? All the print guys did it and look how well it’s working out for them.”

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Gates Foundation will buy $100 craptops in the aftermarket

This little item came in via our competitive intelligence memo this morning. Appears that Beastmaster Bill is going to use his philanthropical foundation to buy up as many of those hundred-dollar craptops as they can. They’re gonnna offer Third World kids cold hard cash, or food, or vaccines and other medications, in barter for the machines. Program is gonna be called, “Be a Hero, Feed Your Family.” Our guys have already seen mockups of the ads, which are tailored to each country. Gist is the same. Picture of kid beaming with pride and holding his OLPC machine. Message goes like this, “Hello, Abdul. Isn’t it wonderful to have such a shiny new toy? How happy you must be! Yet how sad your Mama is that she cannot buy food for your family. Or that your sister needs medicine but your family cannot afford to buy it. Well, now you can be a hero! The ‘Be a Hero’ program will offer you valuable goods in exchange for your wonderful toy. As much as one hundred dollars, Abdul! Think! That is more than your Papa earned all last year! Fortune has smiled upon you and granted you this valuable object. Now you can use it to save your family. Won’t you feel proud?”

You get the idea. Negroponte is flipping the hell out. Says it’s a transparent scheme to wipe these machines out of the market and kill Linux. Bill’s people say it’s just an exercise in free market economics. Man oh man. This is a real fiasco in the making.

Caption contest

Well here I am with Michael Dell at some event in Austin last week about teachers. See here for some good quotes from yours truly on why teachers are such frigtards.

Anyhoo, Michael and I have a testy relationship at best. But here we are trying to look like pals. Check out my very, very sincere smile. Incredibly convincing right?

Well, put some quotes with the photo, and you might win a fake iPhone. Or at least a fake circuit board.

Another delay in the iPhone

Well the engineers want to kill me but you know what, I know how to design products. And I’m sorry, this circuit board for the iPhone is just way too friggin ugly. There’s no balance. You’ve got this long skinny piece on the left and then nothing on the right to balance it out. And the big chip should be right in the middle, not off center. And the two little gold pieces on the right should be lined up straight. I mean there’s a million problems with this design. Just look at it. You’ve got all these little skinny lines on one side then big fat lines on the other, with loads of space. WTF? So I told them go back and redo it. I want it perfectly symmetrical. They’re like, Steve, nobody is gonna see the circuit board. I’m like, Yes, but I’ll know it’s in there, and that will ruin it for me. They’re like, Steve, it’s not just about looks, because the thing won’t work right if we move the chips the way you want them. I’m like, You know what, try it. Just do it and let’s see. They’re like, Dude, with all due respect, we’re electrical engineers, okay? We know what we’re talking about. One guy goes to the white board and starts trying to give me a lesson in how electric current flows through a circuit. I’m standing there, just shaking with rage, and I’m like, Excuse me, but please put down that marker and then go to your desk and fire yourself. Okay? Thank you. No, I’m serious.

After he left the other guys told me he was the lead engineer on the project. Oh well. Too bad. Guess you’ll all have to work that much harder now eh?

Folks, this is probably the single most important product we’ve ever made. This is going to define the new Apple. This thing has to be like a Porsche. Or a really well-made Swiss watch. I want it to be perfect. Inside and out.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I love this kid

See this story about a kid in Mongolia who got pissed after his dad gave him a Dell instead of a Mac and finally, in a fit of rage when the POS Windows machine kept crashing, he threw it out the friggin window. Young man, namaste. We are sending Yuri Yobtvuyomat, our Central Asia director, to find you and bring you a brand new iMac, free of charge. You have given us more and better publicity than we could ever have bought on our own. Peace out.

Jet Blue blames its computers

That’s the story in this morning’s NY Times. They’re canceling flights left and right, have pilots stuck in hotels but can’t figure out where to send them, and so on. CEO says their Mickey Mouse operations systems are set up for smaller airline, can’t support their bigger volumes, blah blah blah. So guess where the bargain basement airline got its software? Um, see here. And here. And here. Yeah. The beast from Redmond strikes again.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I’m thinking of taking Apple private

This was Bono’s idea. He’s now a big private equity guy, in case you hadn’t heard. So last night we’re both baked and watching an old Cheech and Chong movie and he goes, You know wha? Youse oughta go proivate. So we started thinking about it. Ran some numbers. Then we called up some people who actually know how to run numbers and found out our numbers were off by like a factor of a hundred. Nonetheless, these guys still think it could work. Then we tell the SEC and everybody else to bugger off, we’re private, nothing to see here folks, move along, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. That kind of thing. Well, Blackstone and Carlyle want to get together. I’ll keep you informed. Much love, Bono.

I’m sorry but this is hilarious

Microsoft has hired a former tech analyst to be an “enthusiast evangelist.” See here. Guy says his job is to “find, engage and work with enthusiasts and other influencers and show them all the cool stuff that Microsoft is doing.” Question: Are there actually any Microsoft enthusiasts? Who are these sad people?