Honestly, he won’t let it go. He’s calling me over and over saying, Wait until you hear the latest, you won’t believe what they’re saying now! As if I care. Jesus. I put my iPhone 4 down on the desk and let him rant for a few minutes while I do some work, then I pick up and pretend I’ve been listening. Larry’s position is that Hurd didn’t do anything wrong. He’s like, Look, it’s not like he was drugging teenage girls and raping them while they were passed out! I’m like, Wait, is that the new hurdle CEOs have to get over? As long as you’re not feeding them roofies and raping them, it’s okay? And Larry says, Look, don’t start, you’re not like the rest of us, you have no genitals, you’re a fucking Ken doll, you can’t understand the needs that a normal man has. To which I say, Dude, I saw the pictures of Hurd’s gal-pal, and honestly, I wouldn’t tap that with your dick. Larry says then at least there’s one thing we can agree upon, but as they say, De gustibus non disputandum est, to which I said, Stop showing off with your restaurant French, everybody knows you’re a dropout just like me.

Anyway. My own paranoid conspiracy theory is that this woman was probably a Microsoft plant. Because think about it. A few months ago HP shoved a fork in Ballmer’s eye when they bought Palm and, in effect, rejected Windows. So, Ballmer waits a little while and then bam — he knocks Hurd out of the box. Maybe this all sounds crazy but trust me, the Borg has these sluts planted everywhere. We all do it, actually. They work their way in on some CEO or other top manager; they gather evidence; and then when we’re negotiating something tricky and we need something, we pull the trigger. The slut springs a blackmail attempt or, in this case, a groundless sexual harassment claim which everyone knew would fail in court but was basically just a way to embarrass Hurd and knock him out of his job.

Ballmer doesn’t try planting whores around me, because he knows it’s pointless; I don’t allow anyone to touch me. And nobody bothers planting whores around Larry, because he hits anything that moves and makes no apologies for it, and if you try to sue him he’ll get you thrown into prison. He did that to that one woman, and after that the word got out real fast among the VIP hostesses and “marketing consultants” that you should not mess with Larry, because he will cut a bitch.