Our legal teams will file lawsuits against Google’s phone partners to slow down the spread of Android. Meanwhile our special ops teams will be helping create articles like this one in the Onion, in which Google offers frighteningly specific apologies to people whose privacy it has invaded.

From Eric Schmidt: “Whether you’re Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are.”

From Sergey: “I’d like nothing more than to apologize in person to everyone we’ve let down, but as you can see, many of our users are rarely home at this hour,” said Google cofounder and president Sergey Brin, pointing to several Google Map street-view shots of empty bedroom and living room windows on a projection screen behind him. “And, if last night’s searches are any indication, Boston’s Robert Hornick is probably out shopping right now for the spaghetti and clam sauce he’ll be cooking tonight. Either that, or hunting down that blond coworker of his, Samantha, whose Picasa photos he stares at every night,” Brin added.