State of Washington may rename itself

We do like to bash on Ballmer and the boys (and girls) from Redmond, but the state of Washington can’t help but lay on the lovin’ for Microsoft. All those jobs. All that revenue. All them endowments. And hospitals. And university wings and buildings. And scholarships. If Ballmer ever announced Microsoft was up and moving its entire campus to, say, oh, I dunno, Arizona, rest assured, every elected Washingtonian official would be down on their knees before the Great Behemoth, begging, blubbering, slobbering, offering sacrifices of their first born, offering their spouses as indentured labor, even extending tax breaks for another thirty five years.

As a way to show their appreciation for what Microsoft has done and wrought upon the Washingtonian economy, there is a movement afloat to change the name of the state, not for one day, or a week or a month or even a year but permanently to Gatesylvania, after Bill Gates. I like it. It makes sense. I mean, George Washington wasn’t even alive by the time any Americans ever reached the Cascades, you know. And hell, at least the guy the state will be renamed after actually lives there. The guy Pennsylvania was named after never even stepped foot in America.  And it’s a lot less confusing when you tell people you’re from Gatesylvania than Washington. Hell, if you tell a contemporary rifle-totin’ tea-bagger you’re from Washington, before you get time to ‘splain Olympia, Mount St. Helens, Seattle or Starbucks Coffee – B L A M ! –  one red dot, then you’re shot on the spot. You tell someone you’re a Gatesylvanian – the first thing they ask you is if you’re work for Microsoft and are they hiring? One day, when they rename the future state of Northern California either as Googletopia or the Great Realm of Jobs, former Washingtonians will be proud and satisfied to be Gatesylvanians.