Simple reason. Because I get up at Town Hall meetings and say things that are obviously true but that for some reason CEOs aren’t supposed to say in public.

Maybe you’ve heard about this post on the Wired blog about our Town Hall meeting last week where I said that Google’s “Don’t be evil” mantra is complete and utter bullshit. Well, that’s correct. I said it, and I’ll say it again: Google is full of shit. They are totally evil, and they are beyond dishonest — they are, in fact, so twisted and fucked-up that they are actually incapable of telling the truth. About anything. Ever. Ask Sergey what he had for lunch, he’ll lie about it. I have no idea why. Ask Larry Page if he knows what time it is, he’ll tell you he’s not wearing a watch — even though you’re both looking right at it. And if you say, Larry, I’m looking right at your watch, he’ll say, That’s not a watch. If you say, Well what is it then because it’s round and has numbers on it and you’re wearing it on your wrist, and he’ll say, I’m sorry, but we’re not required to disclose that.

Or let’s talk about Eric Schmidt. If you know anything about his personal life, then you’ll know that this is not a person to whom words like “honesty” and “transparency” apply. Katie says she still doesn’t understand how I didn’t take that into consideration before I put him on Apple’s board. She’s like, Dude, how do you figure that a guy who betrays the people closest to him won’t also betray his business partners?

She’s right. What was I thinking? I mean, I knew he was a scumbag. But we figured it would help us to have some kind of alliance with Google. Then we found out that Google doesn’t make alliances. Google pretends to make alliances just so they can steal stuff from you. Google makes overtures to startups about maybe wanting to buy them, just so they can perform due diligence and get inside their books and learn everything about their business. Then they go, Nah, thanks anyway, and they go create a knock-off.

As I told everyone at the Town Hall meeting, Google wants to kill the iPhone. They absolutely do. Luckily for us, they have no idea how to create a user interface, and even less idea how to do customer service. Also, despite what you’ve heard, they can’t write code for shit, and Android is a sloppy fucking mess.

Best thing for us is that Google honestly has no idea how to run an ecosystem of developers. See, the way to do that is to enable other people to make money on your platform. Even the idiots at Microsoft were smart enough to know that. The brainiac Children of the Corn at Google probably understand this too, but it’s just not in their DNA to let it happen. For these guys, it’s all or nothing. If there is anyone else on the planet making money doing anything, they will want to take it over. Telecom? Check. Energy? Yeah, they’ll do that. Medical equipment? Animal husbandry? Shoes and leather goods? Yes, yes and yes again. It’s how they’re wired.

And, of course, they’re all convinced that they’re not only the smartest people on the planet, but also the best and most ethical. That kind of hubris almost guarantees they will fail.

Nevertheless, I am going to enjoy knocking them out and taking a dump on their chests. I swear I’m going to relish every bit of it.